Friday, February 5, 2010

my (ednos) history.

i know it's the second one in like a few hours, but i deleted my old post about my eating history, so here's a shorter version:>
sophomore year of high school: decided i just wanted to lose a few pounds (i was probably 104-106, since the beginning of high school). tried the special k challenge and ate special k for breakfast and lunch (110 kcals each), plus a light and fit yogurt (60) and grapefruit sometimes (100), ate dinner normally. no snacks no desserts. hit 98 pounds. was happy with it.
junior year of high school: had gained back the weight lost over the summer, eating unhealthily and not dancing all summer (i was used to 15-20 hrs a week). decided i would lose the weight immediately. i started counting calories, cutting out 500 a day, lost 1 lb a week. i initially tried to totally starve my way through the day until i had to eat dinner with my family, but i kept getting strep throat and my mother noticed me not eating; back then, it wasn't worth the fight.
by december of junior year i was my goal weight by losing just one pound a week, and i was 93 lbs, the lowest i could still be before being considered "underweight". my mom was constantly freaking out and trying to force food down my throat.  and then it all went downhill.
given the stresses around eating during the holidays, as soon as christmas was over i fasted for about four or five days, hit 90 pounds (or less, i wasn't home and wasn't really able to check).  when i came home for new year's, was forced to eat by my mother, i binged like crazy. it was horrible.  it's the first time i ever felt out of control of my eating, and i HATED it.  it lasted a few days, when at my most stuffed i had gone back up to 98 pounds.
junior year, january: there was no wayy i was letting all that work go to shit, so i got into a really vicious cycle where i tried to lose more weight but instead ate only very little at dinner or managed to avoid it from monday through thursday or friday, and then couldn't control myself and binged the weekend away (most weeks).  i couldn't purge (restricting has been my only form of purging, ever), it was too hard, and i hate throwing up more than anything, really. so the cycle began itself again on monday, and i went through june weighing between 94-98 pounds every week depending on whether or not it was a restricting day or a binge day.
summer: worked at a sleepaway camp. no scales. lost control and binged more than i restricted. hit 112 by the end of the summer. i honestly hated myself more than ever.
senior year: struggled with restricting and bingeing all year.  initially got down to 105-107 on a bad week, 99-101 on a good week.  ended senior year at 101.
summer: i was sick of all the lying. summer killed me. i hit 119 by the time i went to college. my metabolism and my digestive system were completely fucked up, i hated myself, my body, my friends who still watched my eating like a hawk.
freshman year, college: i've remained stagnant at about 116, with varying periods of restriction, bingeing, and just "normal person" eating. hit only a low of 111, gained it back.
now: completely determined to lose weight on my terms.  pretty sure i'd call my issues EdNos.  it sometimes overtakes my life more so than other times, but it is always lurking, i am ALWAYS thinking about it.  right now, i'm giving in, and full-on restricting as much as possible to lose AT LEAST 2 lbs a week (1000 calories less than i should every day. i'm supposed to eat between 1430-1500 a day to remain the same.) until at least the end of the semester (May 1st), preferably longer.
the goal that i'll feel most accomplished at is 93-95 lbs, because that was probably my most stagnant low weight that i enjoyed. though i would like to go lower, and find myself under 90 lbs. just to see.

so that's it. it's fucked up, eating/weight has actually been an underlying issue for me since middle school (i used to count calories and keep food journals back then, too), but i've come to understand it better throughout the past few years.  i still deny the problem to my parents, even though they think i have/had one, and i know i do, admitting it to them would make it a million times harder for me to eat how and when i want.  most of my best friends know it's an issue for me, but they have no real control or authority over what i do.

i'm sure plenty of you have stories so much like mine, i'd love to hear from you, and know i'll support you in whatever your choices are with this monster we're living with.

love love loveeee, and support,
anastasia kirstyn

ps. think happy!

1 comment:

  1. :) sounds a bit like me..
    you binge, feel disgusting..
    starve, binge,starve and it carries on..
    and never feel content?
    I have to lose it all this time. No more binging..
    Just strength.
    <3 :)