Sunday, May 30, 2010

here, at least today

hi girls,

i'm here. at least today

i'm alive. breathing.  at least.
i lost three pounds. at least.  i checked yesterday. i was 120. i haven't really eaten all week. i drank a little these past two nights though so who knows. i'm staying at people's apartments. i hope i've gone down.  i have stomach pains in the worst way. i hope i've lost more.

i'm not really happy.  i'm sorry to post something so depressing.

i'm still messing around with the same guy.  and i know it's fucking me up.  when he wants me, i'm really fucking happy, and when he suddenly isn't interested one night (ie, tonight) i'm so low.  it's disgusting.  i wish i could change.  i wish someone just loved me.  one hundred percent of the time.  i hate myself.  the only thing i can count on is losing weight.  even if i keep drinking on weekends (3-5 shots max, which will still amount to a loss for the day) i won't eat.  i don't want to.  losing is the only thing i can do for myself.  even if i'm tired.  even if i have to curl into a ball and practically scream because the pain is so much, i don't care.  it's the only thing i can do to matter to myself.  i work fucking eight hours a day, just to pay for car insurance, and living expenses.  and i just want to be thin.  that's the only reward i can get.  this is my life, this is what i can control, i can finally take a look at my body and say, okay, we've improved, i'm not a huge cow any more (i hope i'll feel that way, at 99 lbs, 93 lbs).

i love you all and i'm sorry i keep disappearing i'm just going through a lot of shit and keep getting depressed and unable to deal with anything and even accept that i'm doing this to myself.  but i'm really really low tonight and i needed to at least let you all know i'm here, you're wonderful, and not alone, not ever, i love you, really.  we're all here for each other.

love&luck, hope, happiness, i hope it comes to you
anastasia kirstyn