Monday, March 29, 2010

new motivation

can't really keep this to myself.
just got personal thinspo thrown in my face, by my friend posting last year's memorial day pictures on facebook today, first time i've seen them.  let's remember that last year at memorial day i was somewhere between 100-106.

i remember all i ate that day was a salad without dressing, and drank tons of strawberry powerade zero to keep myself hydrated.  pretty sure that's how many of those days then were.  there's no fat on the inside of my knees in that picture! there's extra space around my arms in that xs abercrombie jacket (now it's skin tight) no muffin top! my stomach had to have been so little to enjoy fitting in that tight jacket loosely.

it's by no means perfect, i still want to be a decent amount thinner than that. but maybe this was exactly what i need, the most opportune thinspiration, remembering i have been there, i can do this.

love&luck to you all,
because we can do this,
anastasia kirstyn

also, intake today: 400kcal.  cutting down to 200 or less tomorrow.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

quite a weekend

hey ladies,

sorry for it being a few days, again.  again very busy with schoolwork, but also fun.  this past week was weird.  by the end of it i got into a rut, had a very "fuck it" attitude about food, and ate for the past few days what i thought was normally or even too much.  amazingly i got on the scale this morning (which took a lot of courage, i was so afraid) and I LOST WEIGHT! one little pound, I am 120.0.  but i didn't even think i was restricting at all, i was eating dessert, drinking.  i was sooo afraid i had gained like three.  i guess i just wasn't really paying attention to the fact that i wasn't eating too much.

also, my other slight theory is that i probably burned significant amounts of calories given i was with a boy (the same one!) the past two nights.  we like to go in for round two, three, four... lol.  it was nice to hook up with him, E, the same guy i hooked up with twice in the beginning of the semester.  he's also the last guy i hooked up with.  which is such a long time for me, as i normally find someone new every weekend.  partly it was because i wasn't drinking a lot for a few weeks, and just wasn't into it.

i'm starting to get a little scared now that we've hooked up like four times, because i'm not used to attachment, and i'm afraid to get attached, and things seem to be getting a little less "random hookup" and a little more sweet, intimate, caring. something.  i don't know.  i freaked out a bit last night when we started hooking up and sort of spilled this to him, and his sentiments are the same.  he also gets around.  but we're both really confused and neither of us are looking for relationships.  i think we see them as unrealistic for ourselves or in our situation being that we're in college, and partly because we're afraid of them.  i know he tried to date a few girls in the beginning of the year, and realized that's not what most college girls out on weekends are looking he kind of got defeated.  but he told me last night that where he's from (italy. so jealous) that's all people do.  they date, have relationships, no random hookups.  so it's different but he totally 180-ed.  I don't know.  things are weird.  on friday he wasn't even drunk at all and still wanted me, it wasn't just random sloppy drunk running into each other kind of thing.  i don't know.  it's really confusing.  especially because last night he stayed, we fell asleep, and then by like early in the morning he was like 'my back really hurts on your mattress...would it be ok if i left?  like are you okay with that?".  when he normally just leaves after like 20 minutes of just lying there, not asking, just saying he's going to go.  it's weird.  it's like we must care about each other on some level.  it just feels like it.

ugh. whatever.  i think i'll be better if we either keep hooking up or don't, but nothing more. i'm a mess.

aside from the sexcapades, this weekend was lovely because i just read a novel basically all these past two days, for my lit class, and it's really good and feels like reading for fun!  so nicee.  also the show at our college's basement space was amazing, so many amazing indie bands.  the best show of the year, i think.  also E showed me this neat little alcove outside the window of the basement that fits like 10 people if you squish, because they weren't letting us smoke inside on friday.  it was kind of amazing. anyway.  today eating was good, probably under 400 calories.  i'm going to try really hard this week, i want to keep losing, at least three or four pounds a week until i'm happy.  i have five weeks until finals. i would love to be 101-106 by then.  i'd finally be at the same weight as last year, when i only moderately hated myself.

love&luck ladies,
also, it's almost april! spring! and new beginnings!
<3 anastasia kirstyn

(my weekend: skinny boy, champagne, &cigarettes)

Thursday, March 25, 2010

and today i picked a daffodil

wow.  you're all so sweet and understanding.  thank you for all your supportive comments on my last post, i'm sad we all have these types of experiences, but it's a bit better to know someone else understands and doesn't judge.  also to clarify.  it's not that i don't want to cry. i just can't.  it won't happen. i wish it would. i know chances are good i'd feel a lot better.  isn't what i do just a way of getting the pain out, of trying to fix something, through food, through numbers, through straight lines etched into skin?

yesterday went really well food-wise. today not so much.
fasting tomorrow.
and have aerobics class.
i kind of just don't want to eat. just to like. have something, you know? just so i can say to myself: hey, look. you wanted to lose 25 or 30 pounds before school ended. you wanted it.  and you made it happen.  and you can do whatever you want and you can make things seem better by setting these goals and doing whatever you have to do to make them happen.
honestly just not eating. requires no physical effort. no extra decision-making. just say no and stick to it. it has been so simple in the past, i am capable of doing this. i used to be 90 pounds for god's sake! 
(ugh that knowledge hurts. anything over 102 used to be unthinkable! i didn't even think i was capable of hitting 110 and now look at me! ugh. well. get over it. move on. weight comes off. it's magical.)

aside from that, i was wondering how people feel about using adderall as an appetite suppressant.  have you done it, did it work, how hungry do you get once you stop taking it, do you like it?  i know to really be in control i should be able to just turn down food all by myself all the time, but sometimes i need a little push of food in general just seeming so entirely unappealing. i don't know.  feels like a fake to me. but i'm getting desperate.

hope you're all doing well, i'm feeling optimistic.
anastasia kirstyn

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

i can't

i can't cry.
why has cutting into my thighs
become the only option?

i am so sad. so much of the time.
correlate with lack of thinness?
most likely.


sorry i'm neglecting posting and commenting.
literally worked on a paper all the hours of sunday.
fasted saturday, then decided to drink, got drunk, binged while drunk, ate the next day due to a hangover and a "fuck it" attitude, then got my period.
so i'm fat. and disgusting. and i hate myself.
fruit "fasting" tomorrow.  as in it's the only time they'll have fresh berries and melon for the next month at the dining center tomorrow, and i'm craving something healthy!!
trying to do under fifty calories for the rest of the week. might take that adderall i've been saving as a cheat.  i just need to see a real change.  the weeks before school's over are getting less and less. and then it's bikini season.  and then i have to be around my family who will make me eat again. so i need to stay committed.

hope you're all doing well
got to get to schoolwork again
anastasia kirstyn

Saturday, March 20, 2010


FASTING TODAYY!! (saturday)
and i'm actually really really excited about this.

is that weird?

i have a fake girl-crush (i am supersupersuperstraight. like the male organs too much) on some pretty blonde named amy, who apparently is in my abnormal psych class.
preparing to outline 20+ psych studies and write 6-7+ pages of my psych paper today.
time for adderall, perhaps?  Perhaps.

anastasia kirstyn

Thursday, March 18, 2010

finally things are moving up, and the weight's going down

well, hello!
(sense the better mood?)  it sometimes strikes me as sad that a little bit of weight loss and feeling like i've got control over something and can be successful puts me in a better mood.  i joined that blog 10-day weight-loss competition and so far it's going well.  i ate more than i intended yesterday but was definitely still at weight loss level (~500 calories) and i dropped a few pounds (as of this morning)!  By the end of today i was down to 120.5, hooray!  even though that's still huge, the numbers are going down.  wonderful.  all i ate today was a salad (~a little bit of lettuce, a few pieces of tomato, a few edamame beans) which was probably somewhere between 25-50 calories.  lovely.
at this rate, i hope to be down to my stagnant weight (116) in like five days.  we'll see how that goes because i know technically my body should only burn off a half pound a day.  so anything more doesn't really make sense, since even if i exercise to the max it'll probably only add like one more pound off a week. lame.

aside from that school is actually kind of stressing me out.  i have a huge paper due sunday night that i've barely started, and things just seem to be piling up already and we only have six weeks left before finals (WHAT?! WHERE DID FRESHMAN YEAR GO?? give it backkk).  luckily finals is two weeks long, and i'll only have two new papers to write and one to edit and resubmit.  Totally doable.  I could do that in like four or five days.  Plus all that extra time without having classes and other work means I can go to the gym more and go to work more, because i'm in desperate need of money.  I'm also looking forward to the end because our school does this huge two-day party on the green as soon as classes end where they have things like moonbounces and hire bands and everyone's just totally trashed the whole time.  should be fun. then in the middle of the two weeks my a cappella group is doing recording for a cd, at some place in philly!  and then after finals i have five weeks to hopefully work a little, relax a bit, and then i'm off to be a camp counselor for the last year.  i'm hoping to go back at the low weight i went in at two summers ago, when i was 92 lbs.  take that other skinny bitch counselors.  i'll be hotter than you again.

anyway i hope all you guys are doing well and i hope the weather is nice for you (because it's 60+ degrees here!! this never happens here in march!!)
also i hope you're all doing well with your weight goals,
it's hard, definitely, but we can all do this, really,
even if you've had a bad month (or a bad couple months, years) you can start over,
that's the best part: the weight will come off again.  really, it will.  just knowing that is a relief.
anastasia kirstyn

ps. here's some Kaya Scodelario thinspo.  She plays Effie on the british tv drama "Skins".  If you haven't heard of it or haven't seen it, GO. Watch it NOW!  It's awesome, and the first series has a lovely thin ana girl named Cassie who's quirky and adorable to idolize (i'll give you some of her thinspo later). Last episode of the second series tonight! (well tomorrow for us silly americans who have to watch it on youtube or whatever tomorrow)

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Let's compete.

So my superskinny guy friend from home (he's still a senior in high school) told me he can't visit me at school this month because during his free week (when the rest of the seniors are on senior trip at disneyworld, and he chose to save money and stay home) he will be participating in a sort of "biggest loser" competition with another friend.  They're basically running, going to the gym together blah blah all week.  not like he needs it.  Whatever.  And today I was reading The Skinny Waste and she mentioned A COMPETITION (!!) a fellow blogger has started at her blog Miss Burton In Wonderland.  10 days.  Post current stats, and daily stats, and a goal for the end of the 10 days.  Granted I always feel at a disadvantage in these things as a result of being short and therefor my body burning fewer calories on its own and during exercise and such.  So i'm just trying to set a goal for myself, and hopefully my body will follow suit.

Guess it's time to own up then, I've ballooned up to 123 lbs.  Which is disgusting and is horribly, a new high weight. :(  I'm super disappointed but i guess i should have expected it after eating horribly and drinking all of spring break.  But now i'm even more committed especially because i'll have to report everyday and look at everyone else's progress!  Sounds great.

I went to my first aerobics class today, which was good but i hadn't eaten all day and hadn't drank much water so i started to feel faint after about a half hour and had to sit for a few minutes (silly me, i know i always pass out when i'm dehydrated.  even if i'm not exercising!).  but i got back up and it was great.  apparently my abdominal muscles aren't completely gone even though i stopped working those out months ago, and my leg muscles are there too, just grossly covered by fat.  I can't stop staring at the pictures of my friends and i on my walls when i was 100 pounds, 95 pounds, etc.  I look so much better. I'm going to do it!  Also I have about nine and half weeks of school left where no one can force me to eat and i have free (well, truly, paid for in tuition i suppose) gym access.  Might as well use it to my advantage.  Even if i only lose a measly 3-4 pounds each week i'll be back down to the double digits by the time i leave for summer vacation.  and that would be perfect.  TIME TO GET SERIOUS AGAIN.  eating today went okay actually, even though i did have dinner because i felt sick and truly afraid i would pass out, it was much better than these binge-filled days.  I am back on track.  I hope you all feel that way too!

Also a reallyyy reallyy huge thanks to Ella, who commented on my last post.  Hearing that i was your thinspiration made me feel so good, and your confidence in me is so helpful.  It made me realize I CAN do this, i've done it before, and it got so easy with a little bit of time.  It's so great to know that people are reading and trying too, and inspiring each other.  THANK YOU!

thinking thin, thin, thinner,
<3 anastasia kirstyn

Monday, March 15, 2010


i'm depressed and fat (gained weight over spring break, great)
and can't stop fucking this up by eating at the end of the day

going to meals with my friends keeps messing me up.  making me think it's okay to eat.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

mm willa holland

hey all,
    don't have much to say.  my superstrict plan starts tomorrow (well today i guess, given the time), since i'll be back at school.  i'm not going into details out of fear i'll jinx it, but i'm committed.  i have to drop all this weight by the end of the semester, otherwise it'll be much harder to hide eating habits once i'm home.

leaving you with a little willa holland thinspo.  she played kaitlyn cooper on the OC (lovee).  also she's got a gorgeous face.
anastasia kirstyn

Thursday, March 11, 2010

there are so many of us scattered around

sorry it's been a little bit.  i went down the shore with my two friends for a few days.  couldn't really post on this.

got drunk every night.  two nights ago my friend Car and i got to talking.  she saw the lines on my arms, told me how she used to do that.  how she almost tried to kill herself.  lying on the ground, knife aimed at her heart.  i've never wanted to end it all like that, but we had people over that night and i guess i was flirting with some guy a bit, cause that's how i always am when i'm drunk, even if i want nothing from it, and my other friend just comes up to me and says in my ear "he's not into it, okay?".
so then i found something sharp, and cut up the skin on my thighs again.  it had been a while, really, i thought i was done with it.  apparently rejection or feeling unwanted is what makes me most want to do it.  rejection's hard for me.  i normally get any guy i want.

so car and i talked, and then we got to talking about our eating disorders, cause we both have them.  she used to be anorexic, and she over exercised like crazy, and then she just became bulimic.  i didn't know this, but she still is now.  throws up two or three times a day sometimes.  it was really different but nice to get to talk to someone who's been there, and is kind of in the same place right now.  not someone who's going to try to tell me to stop, because she's in it right now too.  not that you all aren't amazing, reading your blogs and getting comments is so helpful.  it was just nice to know that one of my best friends knows exactly how it's going for me, but isn't going to tell me to stop.  my two other best friends (the four of us hang out together) have had/sometimes still have eating issues too, but they always always always get mad and tell me to stop.  i told her car i'd been successfully losing and wanted to keep going, and she just said "of course. we're always trying. always."

sometimes i wonder if this will ever go away.  and then i wonder if i want it to.  i don't.  at least not right now.

i made new rules.  in essence it's no day over 500 calories.  i want to hit the double digits.  and really, really want to hit 90 pounds before the spring semester ends and it will get more complicated around people to restrict.  that gives me approximately nine weeks.  to lose somewhere between 20 and 30 pounds.  i think.  if i go really minimal on the eating (like under 100 calories a day), that it's totally possible.  i think at the smallest loss, it would be three pounds a week.  but it will probably be more, especially in the beginning, and more with exercise.  also i'm going to start trying to buy adderall more often (even though i'm basically broke), like for the weekends and stuff so i don't have to drink but can have some sort of change, and there's the added bonus of it suppressing your appetite.  also i'm afraid of any harder drugs, and my friends at my college don't really do anything like that.  weed makes you hungry.  plus i don't like it.

well, loves, i hope you're all doing really well,
sorry it's been a few days, comment or something, and i'll start commenting again because i feel like i've disconnected from you,
and to the couple of you i've been following who have just stopped their blogs, maybe for the hope of something better than this life, i wish you lots of luck and strength, i hope all goes well,
anastasia kirstyn

Saturday, March 6, 2010

trigger me, please

random things from today.
i'm home, for spring break.  went to see my brother play at his high school acoustic coffeehouse tonight.  twas lovely.  we had to get those silly supersticky paper bracelet things on our wrists (i suppose, one would call them wristbands...haha) and the guy who was putting mine on was so shocked at how little my wrist was.  which makes me both happy and sad.  happy because it means i have a really small bone structure (i do that whole thumb to index finger around the wrist thing and i have extra space...and i have small hands).  but sad because i feel like it's the only thin part of my body.  gross.

while driving with my mother in the car she mentioned to me she thinks my brother isn't eating right because he keeps getting sick, and when she picked him up from school once she discovered all his sandwiches from lunch in the top of his locker.  i'm sure he's eating (though he's naturally superthin), just not sandwiches, probably crap (lucky bastard).  then she decides to remember out loud how i used to not eat my sandwiches, but that she knew i threw them away so she would think i was eating.  "all i had to do was look at you to know you weren't eating".  "actually, i was.  you just didn't believe me."  and back then, i did eat (i think), and i lost one lousy pound a week.  i just got light.  what i didn't say after that was how her not believing me triggered me, made me not eat, led me to binge, HELLO BULIMIA.  thanks, mom.  not that it's her fault.  preexisting risk factors, onset brought on by specific triggers. i know, i know.
terribly, her saying that she thought i didn't eat before, and her clearly thinking i'm over all that, i've grown out of it, makes me even more motivated to not eat.  did you know there are two average ages of onset for anorexia?  age 14 and age 18.  for bulimia it's 16 (check, been there, done that, right on time)  looks like i'm right on track.  great.

whatever.  since i'm home this week it will be more difficult than usual to restrict.  but i don't care, no one can make me, and i am sick with a sore throat, so i'm using this excuse.  plus i'm huge so it's not like they think i haven't been eating (or trying).  after i get back to school i'm full-on restricting for sure.  also i signed up for an aerobics class with my friends that meets twice a week.  and i have to go because we're required PE credit at our college (almost all the students are skinny-normal here.  seriously it's moderately ridiculous.)  so that will be extra calories burnt on tuesdays and thursdays!

well i'm off, happy weekend everyone!
anastasia kirstyn

Thursday, March 4, 2010

just fucking do it already.

i keep fucking this up.
by eating.
somebody tell me, how i can do this.  inspire me?
i want to fast tomorrow.
i can do it, right?

right. it's called thinspiration for a reason.
other reasons would be that spring is around the corner
and i want to look damn good in some short shorts.
also.  if i just suck it up and commit to this totally
i could hit double digits in 3-4 weeks.
something crazy? i don't completely hate myself when i'm in the double digits.
it matters.  it's also underweight level. 99 lbs.  that's a landmark number for me.
just fucking do it already, i'm sick of this.