a boy

early in the fall, i found a boy.  well really, he found me, and chased me.

and i fell for him. i liked him he was special.  i even waited to sleep with him.

we had only eachother, i didn't sleep around, we talked, we started to know each other.

andthen suddenly, as the leaves started to turn, started to fall, so quickly, i lost him.  still in love with his ex, i wasn't her, she didn't want him, i wasn't enough, he couldn't do it, something.

i still miss that boy, lost something i never got a chance to really have.

ironic, that now i'm sleeping with another boy, whom last fall showed me that i had it in me, i could actually like someone, not heartless, i discovered.

he managed to touch it, and then pulled away. i liked him, but it wasn't right, i wasn't her, he couldn't do it, something like that again.

now i have him (somewhat), and real feelings are gone and it's lost and i'm lost and we really are only friends, but that's nice, for what it is, but still i'm lost, i'm insecure, unsure.

one hundred and four pounds, which used to be kind of okay and i feel humongous. early in the morning you see bones, you see thin, hours pass you feel like the biggest thing in the room you can't see it, i can't see it will i ever? does it end? girls fall to this in their teens and seven, ten years later it still defines them for themselves, they can't get rid of it, can't let go of it, don't want to, what else is there? how can i live like this forever? but how can i let go when i'm not thin enough yet? why would i let go, what good could it do me?

ohheywhatupblogging?

well hello, long time no see.
i'm back!

summer went really well, i had tons of fun. enough said there.
in all honesty i didn't know if i was going to come back to this blog a few weeks ago. i wasn't feeling as ED-centered/focused as usual (though i had lost weight...it was just not my main focus at all).

but of course, today i check the scale for the first time in a few days...and i'm down like three pounds this week. &i have no idea how it happened.  i drank three nights this week, and i thought i was eating a normal person amount, and i did not exercise.
maybe it was the sex i've been having.  or maybe i'm just eating way less than i think, i wasn't counting.
soo i realized i need an outlet, and i also realized my eating/weight issues are obviously still a concern for me.


so overall update, i'm about 13 pounds down from may, when i left school.  my friends all noticed the weight loss, even though i honestly can't tell looking at myself.  "wow you lost like a lot of weight this summer you look so much skinnier"  and casually after i remarked about some girl passing by having lost weight, "yea did you lose weight cause it looks like it". honestly i was fluctuating around 116 once i went to work at camp, and then i got strep throat and couldn't eat because of the pain for a few days, and i dropped a few pounds...and now it's just getting easier and my body seems to want the weight to come off.  i can't wear my skinny jeans without a belt, my hip bones are back, my back is all ribs and backbones. i guess i there are differences. it's weird that it's happening without a lot of effort from me.  the cool thing about this school year (sophomore in college woo) is that i'm living in an on-campus apartment, so i'm off the meal plan and can eat/not eat whatever i want.  i basically have lots of snack food, very little meal food, plenty of veggies, and some vegetarian stuff for when i do feel like eating dinner.  my schedule makes it so lunch just doesn't really happen, since i don't go to the dining center for it...i just don't bring food with me upcampus to class.  it's so simple.

so that's what's new on the eating/weight scene for me.  i'm really tired and have so much work to do, but i promise i'll update you on juicy details (boys boys boys) later.

lots of love,
anastasia kirstyn

(th)inspiration? absolutely.

there are so many of us scattered around

sorry it's been a little bit.  i went down the shore with my two friends for a few days.  couldn't really post on this.

got drunk every night.  two nights ago my friend Car and i got to talking.  she saw the lines on my arms, told me how she used to do that.  how she almost tried to kill herself.  lying on the ground, knife aimed at her heart.  i've never wanted to end it all like that, but we had people over that night and i guess i was flirting with some guy a bit, cause that's how i always am when i'm drunk, even if i want nothing from it, and my other friend just comes up to me and says in my ear "he's not into it, okay?".
so then i found something sharp, and cut up the skin on my thighs again.  it had been a while, really, i thought i was done with it.  apparently rejection or feeling unwanted is what makes me most want to do it.  rejection's hard for me.  i normally get any guy i want.

so car and i talked, and then we got to talking about our eating disorders, cause we both have them.  she used to be anorexic, and she over exercised like crazy, and then she just became bulimic.  i didn't know this, but she still is now.  throws up two or three times a day sometimes.  it was really different but nice to get to talk to someone who's been there, and is kind of in the same place right now.  not someone who's going to try to tell me to stop, because she's in it right now too.  not that you all aren't amazing, reading your blogs and getting comments is so helpful.  it was just nice to know that one of my best friends knows exactly how it's going for me, but isn't going to tell me to stop.  my two other best friends (the four of us hang out together) have had/sometimes still have eating issues too, but they always always always get mad and tell me to stop.  i told her car i'd been successfully losing and wanted to keep going, and she just said "of course. we're always trying. always."

sometimes i wonder if this will ever go away.  and then i wonder if i want it to.  i don't.  at least not right now.

i made new rules.  in essence it's no day over 500 calories.  i want to hit the double digits.  and really, really want to hit 90 pounds before the spring semester ends and it will get more complicated around people to restrict.  that gives me approximately nine weeks.  to lose somewhere between 20 and 30 pounds.  i think.  if i go really minimal on the eating (like under 100 calories a day), that it's totally possible.  i think at the smallest loss, it would be three pounds a week.  but it will probably be more, especially in the beginning, and more with exercise.  also i'm going to start trying to buy adderall more often (even though i'm basically broke), like for the weekends and stuff so i don't have to drink but can have some sort of change, and there's the added bonus of it suppressing your appetite.  also i'm afraid of any harder drugs, and my friends at my college don't really do anything like that.  weed makes you hungry.  plus i don't like it.


well, loves, i hope you're all doing really well,
sorry it's been a few days, comment or something, and i'll start commenting again because i feel like i've disconnected from you,
and to the couple of you i've been following who have just stopped their blogs, maybe for the hope of something better than this life, i wish you lots of luck and strength, i hope all goes well,
lovelovelove&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

my (ednos) history.

i know it's the second one in like a few hours, but i deleted my old post about my eating history, so here's a shorter version:>
sophomore year of high school: decided i just wanted to lose a few pounds (i was probably 104-106, since the beginning of high school). tried the special k challenge and ate special k for breakfast and lunch (110 kcals each), plus a light and fit yogurt (60) and grapefruit sometimes (100), ate dinner normally. no snacks no desserts. hit 98 pounds. was happy with it.
junior year of high school: had gained back the weight lost over the summer, eating unhealthily and not dancing all summer (i was used to 15-20 hrs a week). decided i would lose the weight immediately. i started counting calories, cutting out 500 a day, lost 1 lb a week. i initially tried to totally starve my way through the day until i had to eat dinner with my family, but i kept getting strep throat and my mother noticed me not eating; back then, it wasn't worth the fight.
by december of junior year i was my goal weight by losing just one pound a week, and i was 93 lbs, the lowest i could still be before being considered "underweight". my mom was constantly freaking out and trying to force food down my throat.  and then it all went downhill.
given the stresses around eating during the holidays, as soon as christmas was over i fasted for about four or five days, hit 90 pounds (or less, i wasn't home and wasn't really able to check).  when i came home for new year's, was forced to eat by my mother, i binged like crazy. it was horrible.  it's the first time i ever felt out of control of my eating, and i HATED it.  it lasted a few days, when at my most stuffed i had gone back up to 98 pounds.
junior year, january: there was no wayy i was letting all that work go to shit, so i got into a really vicious cycle where i tried to lose more weight but instead ate only very little at dinner or managed to avoid it from monday through thursday or friday, and then couldn't control myself and binged the weekend away (most weeks).  i couldn't purge (restricting has been my only form of purging, ever), it was too hard, and i hate throwing up more than anything, really. so the cycle began itself again on monday, and i went through june weighing between 94-98 pounds every week depending on whether or not it was a restricting day or a binge day.
summer: worked at a sleepaway camp. no scales. lost control and binged more than i restricted. hit 112 by the end of the summer. i honestly hated myself more than ever.
senior year: struggled with restricting and bingeing all year.  initially got down to 105-107 on a bad week, 99-101 on a good week.  ended senior year at 101.
summer: i was sick of all the lying. summer killed me. i hit 119 by the time i went to college. my metabolism and my digestive system were completely fucked up, i hated myself, my body, my friends who still watched my eating like a hawk.
freshman year, college: i've remained stagnant at about 116, with varying periods of restriction, bingeing, and just "normal person" eating. hit only a low of 111, gained it back.
now: completely determined to lose weight on my terms.  pretty sure i'd call my issues EdNos.  it sometimes overtakes my life more so than other times, but it is always lurking, i am ALWAYS thinking about it.  right now, i'm giving in, and full-on restricting as much as possible to lose AT LEAST 2 lbs a week (1000 calories less than i should every day. i'm supposed to eat between 1430-1500 a day to remain the same.) until at least the end of the semester (May 1st), preferably longer.
the goal that i'll feel most accomplished at is 93-95 lbs, because that was probably my most stagnant low weight that i enjoyed. though i would like to go lower, and find myself under 90 lbs. just to see.


so that's it. it's fucked up, eating/weight has actually been an underlying issue for me since middle school (i used to count calories and keep food journals back then, too), but i've come to understand it better throughout the past few years.  i still deny the problem to my parents, even though they think i have/had one, and i know i do, admitting it to them would make it a million times harder for me to eat how and when i want.  most of my best friends know it's an issue for me, but they have no real control or authority over what i do.


i'm sure plenty of you have stories so much like mine, i'd love to hear from you, and know i'll support you in whatever your choices are with this monster we're living with.


love love loveeee, and support,
anastasia kirstyn


ps. think happy!

The beginning, it seems

I suppose this could be interesting.  If you're interested.  I'm Anastasia.  Eighteen years (whether that's old or young I've yet to uncover for myself).  I go to a small, prestigious liberal arts college in the north-eastern united states.  I don't entirely know what I'm doing, where I'm going to end up, or how I'll get there.  Given the people I'm surrounded by, I assume most of us don't.  I used to keep a journal; sometimes I lied to myself in it.  At some point, I stopped writing in it.  Cutting to the chase here a bit, I'm going to take a reach and assume you're looking for someone like you, or something interesting, readable.  I'm not promising anything.  I guess I'm reaching out, maybe some of us will find meaning, comfort, strength in another's similarities, differences, perspective.  the title gives my thoughts & preoccupations away.  I've lost my sense of my body, what is skinny and thin, what is okay, how to eat normally. I don't love, I sleep around a lot.  Others are pulling at my sides, wisping away through their fingers, wanting me to figure it out, to let go of whatever's pulling me back, but I don't know what happened. Or how to, or if I want to, find my way back.


Maybe we're similar in that, or different, it doesn't entirely matter
At this point, I'm not even sure what truly does...


jusqu'à plus tard,
anastasia kirstyn