Sunday, February 28, 2010

all i want from life today

all i want from life today is to be skinny&pretty forever, stay cozy in bed listening to music (beach house, bowerbirds, dirty projectors, today), read blogs, watch skins, and look at pictures of pretty, thin people.  oh and to drink this wonderful coke cherry zero which i am thoroughly enjoying.  and actually, i would like to do this all week long.

instead i have two essays to write by tomorrow, and three more by friday.  bollocks.
spring break starts for me friday at five.  it is going to be a long week.  but it is going to be a weight loss week.  i've decided.


lots of luck skinnies,
anastasia kirstyn


Saturday, February 27, 2010

smelling of cigarettes, ethereal floating

right now i smell of cigarettes.  and laundry soap of some other person who must have worn/washed my sweater. tonight was beautiful to me.

i decided for the first time in a month to drink (i've been trying to avoid empty calories) and it's been a serious commitment but tonight i kind of just wanted to let loose a little.  it was perfect, and now i think this good feeling can sustain me for the next month.  i'm trying to do a five-week serious restriction plan to get down to my ultimate goal.  when i think about how short five weeks is, i feel like i can do it. yesterday went really well, i haven't gained back as much as i was afraid of.  today eating was bad because i drank and lost inhibition so i ate when i was drunk.  another reason not to do it for a while.

tonight was beautiful because i really enjoyed my friends, and i hung around with this girl in my lit and french class i really like; honestly i find her beautiful and captivating.  and she is.  and so passionate (english major).  the strangest part is, i think that, but she's not thin.  like not ideal thin the way we crazies look at it.  she's average but she has the most beautiful face, and, it must be her personality or something about her air.  i kind of love her.    anyway.  i also loved tonight because i was in a version of drunkenness where i just felt sort of ethereal and like i was floating amidst the masses.  went to one of those weekly concerts in our college's basement space.  people everywhere.  a wonderful band played that was just kind of mellow and i think brought the entire crowd down in a lovely sort of lulling way.  i'm having difficulty describing it but it was kind of magical.  i was even all stuck in my own head the way i always am when intoxicated.  or all the time really, i suppose that's just me.  my two best friends here, they get drunk and they're sort of a package deal.  they get all giggly and crazy together.  which is great for them, and there i am, always, keeping up the composure, even though i feel differently on the inside.  i suppose that's how i always am, really.  i seem fine, or moderately so, at least, normal, to everyone around me but if they saw inside my head they'd know just how out of it i really am.  seems that's just me, then.  drunk or not.  there's always that disconnect.

my friends looked at two girls on my hall tonight. gawking at the skinnies.  but saying they just thought they're sick-looking (and no they don't have EDs at all, you can tell.  carefree, beer-drinking, dessert-eating skinny bitches.  really skinny.)  i just thought to myself how funny it was, because they are my ideal.  perfection.

sorry, sleep is overtaking me.  bedtime.  more later lovelies.
also thank you for the beautiful comments.
it makes me feel so amazing to know you feel the same, that you want to keep my words and read them, because we share this experience.  it kind of sucks we're all going through it, but it's a bit of a light to feel not so alone.
love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

Thursday, February 25, 2010

today

today i've turned my back on mia, this strange, trickery version of mia that made me 'binge-restrict-binge-restrict' two years ago before i even realized it was her, before i even heard that she had that power; she found me and captured me in a roundabout way, i didn't even know.  i don't throw up, so i've never known mia (wrong, so wrong.  look how well she tricked you.)  mia who whispers suddenly, strongly into my head "if you don't eat all of this right now, you'll never have the same chance.  just eat it. NOW. GO!"          what fucking lies.  mia has become this incessant, neverending cycle i've been caught in.  a circle.  round.  which is exactly how you'll stay as long as you let her creep into your head.

today i turn back to ana.  a long, straight line.  a road, the further down it you go the thinner it appears in the distance.  you don't turn back from her, she leads you, straight ahead.  thinner, thinner, thinner.  a thin red bracelet sneaks its way around my wrist today.  this is my choice.  i alone have the control i need.



Tuesday, February 23, 2010

i don't want to eat anymore.

i don't want to eat anymore.
i don't want to.


whether i eat or not, i feel sick, i feel tired, i feel disconnected from life, i feel disconnected from people.
and i want to be thin, and weak, and frail.  i will stay tired, and disconnected, but i will be connected to me, i will get what i want.
and i don't want to eat anymore.




thanks, anyway.

Monday, February 22, 2010

iamsofatiamsofat

ifeelsofatifeelsofatifeelsofatifeelsofatiamsofat.

not to mention sitting in abnormal psych twice a week just makes me feel more and more like i meet the criteria for bulimia.
oh and learned something to clarify: there are two subtypes of both anorexia and bulimia
bulimia is split into "purging subtype" and "nonpurging subtype".  purging-type involves actually getting rid of the food from the body (ie. throwing up. laxatives.), whereas non-purging-type involves other methods of making up for the consumption of calories (ie. restriction/fasting, exercise).  it is a compensatory method, and in a way it's "purging" but just not as literally.
in the same vein, anorexia is divided into and restricting subtype and a binge-and-purging subtype.  the only clear, distinctive difference between anorexia and bulimia (for meeting diagnostic criteria) is weight.  anorexics are at a BMI lower than 18.5 (or less than 85% of their ideal body weight) and bulimics are above that.  so basically, anorexic binge-and-purgers are just lighter, and probably have fewer episodes, sometimes they start out at a lower weight, or they have a faster metabolism, etc etc individual differences.  i'm not entirely sure of all the specifics.

sorry if you don't want to hear all that, it's just been shoved at me the past few classes.
also i have a friendcrush in that class (haha).  meaning.  i want to be friends with this guy cause he seems awesome.  there's a thread about him on our own collegeacb.com discussion board. haha.  okay.  moving on.  naptime.  thanks for letting me get that out.

love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn



not again, you broken record

so.  ate horribly again today.  i don't know what's with me, but i do know that going to meals is what's triggering this eating.  letting people drag me to meals is not allowed to happen.  i'm starting this 7-day grapefruit cleanse over and i'm sticking to it, that's the only option.  i will not slip back into this starving/gaining everything back pattern again.  i'm sick of it.

maybe when i drop my calories so low, sure, i get hungry which hurts a little, i get really tired, i get weak.
   but even if i do choose to eat i feel fat, i feel disgustingly full, i feel lethargic anyway from eating too much at once.  i feel worse.  i hate myself.  i hate my body.  i even hate my face with its little bits of excess weight here and there.  the skin not pulling at my bone structure like it does when i'm thinner.  i like feeling empty.  i love seeing the numbers go down.  i'm living for it.  i will be successful.  i will continue losing.  i will win.  also i just ordered two beautiful pairs of abercrombie size 0s jeans (don't get too excited, i'm 5'2" and i've never gone beyond a size 2, i've always been skinny-average).  and i won't put them on until they fit perfectly.

also i had this crazy scary dream that one of my best friends became a follower on here, meaning she knew me and had read through the whole thing and knew what was going on.  it totally freaked me out for my first few waking minutes.  anyway.  new week.  fresh start.  and absolutely not allowed to go to the dining center. no. no. no. no. take a nap. a shower. go to the gym.  anything but.  i will not step foot in that building.  i just don't have the self-control right now.

much better luck than i've been having,
stay focused,
love,
anastasia kirstyn
(motivation one: look like this in new jeans)

(motivation two: i have this shirt. look like this in it again.)

(be in control.)

Saturday, February 20, 2010

i did it anyway





i knew i was going to do it.  and i did it.  yesterday i ate and ate and ate until my stomach felt like it was going to burst.  then i ate a little more.  i didn't even enjoy the taste.


i've never felt so much stomach pain in my life.  i've taken about a million pepto-bismol tablets.  perhaps this will serve as a reminder that binges after serious restriction are pretty much the worst idea ever, in multiple ways.
7-day grapefruit cleanse is starting tomorrow (well, today, saturday) because it hurts too much to even think about putting anything significant into my stomach.  i'm pretty sure i'll be able to stick this one out, given i feel so utterly disgusting.  who knows though, i just keep fucking up.
    however i found one of those countdown clocks that does a 'count-back' type thing, mine being 'time since a binge'.  i'm pretty much trying to never have to reset it.  i'm now at 3 hours and 21 minutes (well, since the end of the day's eating really).  bingeing is the most disgusting thing ever.  ugh.


   i'm choosing to believe though, that this will be serious motivation to get through the next two weeks (it seems my tipping point for a binge has only extended to a week, which always makes the week's loss pointless, as i gain it all back with the binge).  i'm not going to the dining center.  i'm not looking at what they're serving.  i have no food in my room.  just grapefruit.  i know i've said this before, but each time i get closer and closer and the eating gets more spaced out.  what sucks is that right now, given my weight and these ridiculous restricting/bingeing habits i'm basically bulimic.  i really would like to get rid of that title.  it just implies that i'm not successful enough to be skinny enough to meet the anorexia criteria.  lame.


something happier later.  i'm exhausted again on four hours of sleep (screw you two friday essays being due).  sorry this was kind of a bitchy rant.
to add to it, i'm out of my mind jealous and sick of hearing about my friend L's new boyfriend and how cute he is and how much she likes him and every little detail of them spending time together.  i love her and i'm happy for her but god it just reminds me of how incapable i am of finding anyone to care about/who cares for me.  i haven't felt anything for anyone in five years.  maybe it's because i'm so self-absorbed and focused on beautiful things.
luck to all of you,
anastasia kirstyn

Friday, February 19, 2010

ridiculous


i've been eating today.  too much too much too much.
thinking about my one very catholic friend giving up something she loves for lent.  giving it up for something symbolic.  something she feels is worth it.  it's a miniscule amount of time in the grand scheme of her life.  i need to just give up all those additional calories, turn away from food, for something inherently more important and gratifying: being thin.  i don't love food.  i hate it.  it represents the antithesis of what i desire.  honestly, if i just committed to this for even three to four weeks, i'd already hit underweight level.  three weeks? there are fifty-two of them in a year.  it's ridiculous to even think about not being able to do that, when you look at it that way.  i have plenty of weeks to have a little more food.  i need to be devoted to attaining the weight, the body i want, that i feel is a truer image of who i am, how i feel.
i'm starting a grapefruit cleanse on sunday.  only half a grapefruit.  every day.  for seven days.  i need to work up to it, however, that's why it's sunday.  minimal eating for the next two days.  i'm sorry i've been so bad and i've binged and not bounced back.  but my binges have gotten fewer and further between.  and i want this so badly.  so badly.

i am exhausted, exhausted, exhausted.
                  and cold.  always cold.


                        also i've moved onto my legs as my new canvas for my straight red lines.
                           no one gets to see these.  they're for me. 
                                                                    this is all for me.
                              
                                            and were we ever happy?

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

mind flitterings

today i told my friend i'm giving up chips for three weeks. "are you going to start eating real food to make up for that?"  oh, so you've noticed.  and the other day, my other friend "yeah but you never eat anyway," and another "yeah all you eat is celery and lettuce".  i wonder what they'll say as the weight keeps coming off.  the weight isn't noticeable yet.  i wonder if i can keep this up, and get down to 100 or less by spring break (17 days.  17 days of minimal eating.  if the weight loss keeps going at the rate it was, and i'm successful, i should be able to).  my best friend at home will notice, last time she said to me "really though? switching out the anorexia for cutting? it doesn't help. you should stop."  well look now, i've fallen back to my old ways, with more success than before.  sorry.


i'm mostly trying to lose so fast so i can already be thinner when i see my mother again, so she'll think i lost the weight healthily over a period of seven weeks, instead of three or four.  she's not naive, she'll suspect it.  but she can't prove anything anymore.  and i'll just have hit underweight level, so she really can't force anything on me.  maybe i'll only go home for a few days, come back to school early, so i won't be forced to eat.  maybe i'll just "go out to eat with my friends" all week long.  i have a feeling she'll be watching me a lot.  i will not let her pressure force me to gain anything.  


but, that's 17 days away, right now i just need to focus on losing.  the fasting today is going well.  six hours and twenty minutes to go (not that i'm going to eat at midnight, it's just symbolic.)  i have nothing here to binge on.  i'm skipping dinner.  i sat in my other psych class earlier today, smelling the overpowering scent of pizza and fries that a few people had brought from lunch as take-out.  i did not go to the dining center after.  i drank a diet soda.  also the boy in front of me spent a good ten minutes disgustingly chewing off piece after piece of a huge carrot stick.  even though it was a vegetable, just his eating made me so sick, so distracted.  i don't want food today.


today the lecture in abnormal psychology was on anorexia.  my professor tried to shock us with "i once had a patient who only ate 300 calories a day".  hilarious, professor, my goal is under 100.  today, it's zero.  will you notice, in a month? or are the 35 students in the class just too many to see us?  i've been sitting in the front row.  perhaps i'll move to the back.  continue to keep my coat on for the entire lecture. what can you do anyway, i'm eighteen.


time for a nap (not eating actually does make me exhausted, yet makes it really hard for me to get to sleep at night) and more virginia woolf.  i've been reading all your blogs incessantly, in my free time: they're reassuring, and inspiring, we're not alone, stay strong.


love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn




Tuesday, February 16, 2010

tuesday update

okso i skipped out on the ice cream cake at the birthday party.  but i did slip and have some chips and a few pieces of candy.


and so i have revised my plan.  i'm doing every other day fasting for the next five days.  full day of fasting tomorrow.  allowing 40 calories thursday, in grapefruit or salad (only fruits and veggies) if i feel like i need it.  then fasting again friday.  allowing 60 calories of fruits or veggies saturday, if i need it. and fasting again sunday.  i'm trying to get down to my next goal of 106.0, so i'm trying to keep it really low until then, when maybe i'll give myself one day with some more calories than that.  i really seem to be an all-or-nothing type, so just denying myself completely seems like the only way to go.


also, in the spirit of lent (even though i'm not catholic, and don't do that), i'm joining in (slightly).  i'm not allowing myself one chip or piece of candy until i hit 98 pounds.  added to that is dessert in general which i don't care that much about and don't eat anyway (cookies, pie, ice cream, etc).  i'm really just not a fan, and i'm lactose intolerant.  really it looks like my food choices for the next few weeks will be fruits, vegetables, and maybe a few crackers or a little cereal every once in a while; it's bad for me to try and cut out all bread products at once, that leads to binges.  but i'm feeling good about it.  and i'm telling my friends (although i'm just telling them i'm cutting them out for three weeks, so they don't think i'm trying to lose weight) so they won't let me eat them in their presence.  which is the only times i have been, at random parties/gettogethers.


i wish everyone else luck with what they're giving up!
love,
anastasia kirstyn


ps.
my friend was so surprised about her birthday party!! we got her new boyfriend in on it to distract her, and she didn't suspect a thing!



(kate moss. a goddess)


better, but still, weighted



firstly, thank you all for your motivational comments to keep going, that slip-ups happen to all of us.  and they definitely do.  so my words to you are to not give up, you will get there, mistakes happen.  we're here for each other, and i'd just like to extend my support.  more thanks to even more followers, i'm feeling so popular today, haha.


that said, today has been good.  i only woke up to find 110.5 on the scale, so the damage hasn't been that bad (or so it appears, so far).  i haven't eaten today, and don't plan to.  tomorrow should go okay also.  i didn't go to the gym, being that i am absolutely exhausted and have piles of work to do.  i did however walk home (briskly, if you will) from cvs, listening to the dirty projectors all the way.  i've missed them!
today i also applied to a few babysitting jobs online, as i realized i'm probably going to run out of money spending (on what? i don't even know) as much as i do.  and continuing to hate my workstudy job.  so hopefully i'll get babysitting jobs and make some extra-tax-free cash.


hope everyone else's days are going well, i'm off to read, read, read (it honestly is all i do with my life these days),
love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn






(and yet, peculiarly, today is one of those days i just feel heavy and weighed down by any and all the things that bother me in the world.  one of those days where i wish i was that little girl again, finding myself in the clouds with my mother, no preoccupations with food, or weight, or a skewed body image pulling me back from enjoying life in the normal ways.  tonight we're having a birthday party for one of my best friends.  i won't eat the cake.  i won't let one chip touch my lips.  and that, is heavy.  but at the same, i wouldn't give it up.  i know if i did eat them, i would feel miles worse than i already do.  if i did eat normally, i wouldn't lose this weight that's been making me hate myself for months, making me feel as if it's not really me all these people are seeing.  the real me found comfort in her 93-pound frame, in being smaller, lighter, more delicate, fragile.  it was as if my outside matched the inside, and people looked at me with more concern, care, and caution.  it's as if i don't warrant sympathy when i'm bigger.   yesterday a girl on my hall caught a glimpse of the cuts covering my left arm when i momentarily forgot about them while going into the shower.  she didn't say anything, but with the look on her face i realized, and i felt so ashamed.  but it's like i can't even accept sympathy for that, i'm just not thin enough yet.  i feel crazy)

failure

so i binged. what a fucking failure.
     i don't think i've ever felt this defeated from a binge ever. honestly.  i never want to binge again.  i'm heartbroken.  and we all know. binges are hardly enjoyable.  and that was a real one. not like an "oh i'm eating more than usual for a few days blahblahblah", like a straight-outta-the-textbook definition of a binge: eating abnormal amounts of food uncontrollably in under a two-hour period of time.  i'd say it was fifteen minutes.  it was tortilla chips and salsa, crackers, and fucking valentine's candy.


i thought about it, however.
and, caloriewise, i should only gain like a pound of real weight back, unless my metabolism is totally shut down. i kind of doubt it with how quick the weight's been coming off though.
gonna try to go to the gym at least three times this week.  obviously, fasting for the next two days.  then reevaluating whether i should keep fasting or not, but not stepping above 100 calories at all for the next five days.  i did this last week, and it worked fabulously.  it's making me feel better.


also.  things to make me happier.  today my friend's sister (whom i just met) told her that she thought i was the cutest person ever, that my face was supercute.  how nice.
on friday, one my friends from school (a brutally, yet genuinely honest one) told me (out of nowhere) that she absolutely thinks i'm hot. which is nice to hear, even if i don't believe it myself.  she was serious.  that's her logic for half the reason i get so many guys.
also i got a message from my mom on fb today: "Kirstyn. [she calls me that] Do you remember me? Once we laid on the lawn and found ourselves in the clouds. And now you are in college... And sometimes I miss you."  Heartbreaking? Absolutely.  But so sweet.  It makes me feel bad for how distant we had to become because of my eating issues.  it's a big deal to her.  so i've had to lie a lot.


anyway, i'm sad.  and i feel like i've let you down.  but that's why these next few days are fasting days.  i threw out the rest of the candy (magically, i didn't eat it all!)  and i'm walking to cvs tomorrow to stock up on calorie-free flavored water, and then going to the gym.  i'm back in control.


love&more luck than i just had,
anastasia kirstyn


Monday, February 15, 2010

hit first goal weight!

another quick update, but expect something lengthier later tonight...


i hit my first goal weight!!  110.0 lbs!  which is six pounds loss in the past six days.  this is real.  i haven't been this low since like this past july-august.  now onto the next goal.  hopefully my suitemate won't notice...


also i want to give a quick thankyou to all my new followers! 23, wow! that's amazing.  i hope you're all doing well on your own journeys!


love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn


five lbs in five good days

just a brief update.
checked the scale at the end of the day (sunday).  111.0
        i've lost at least 5 pounds in the past 5 days.  why did i ever stop restricting before?  the happiness i get from a lower number on the scale every day is incomparable to most other things in my life.  for one, that's how i know i'm not right, in a conventional sense.  on the other hand, it makes it easier to eat less, easier to lose, and still makes me happier in general.  i feel like since i haven't even come close to a binge for these past five days, it's like i've surpassed it.  i'm either fasting or doing only 100 calories tomorrow.  i haven't decided.  but i know i won't go over that.  i turned down so much food today (tons of candy, cookies, a bagel) and i can sit at dinner and not eat a thing, just sipping my diet coke or water.  hunger means nothing to me.  i know if i eat anyway, it will only be a little, which won't make the hunger go away, so it's pointless.  god how i've missed this control.  i haven't really felt it so strongly since i was a junior in high school.


also:  i like this losing way too much.


lovee,
anastasia kirstyn


(surprised at how easy this is becoming)


(and way too happy about it for me to be a normal person)

whatever. i'm gonna ride this out as long as it lasts for me.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

lazy days, smoke-filled basements

so yesterday was good.  i recommend seeing that movie, Valentine's Day, it was really cute and happy, and i actually laughed a lot (which doesn't often happen with movies).  philly was...snowy, icy, cold, but a nice change from our tiny campus in an upscale area.  at dinner i basically just picked at the lettuce in my salad, and managed to turn down the garlic bread and all the other things on the menu! i'm so glad.  ah and i bought four new pairs of earrings, which i lovee! and am so excited about.  also being in the city involved tons of walking, which is a plus since i haven't managed to get my lazy ass to the gym yet.  i'm a bum, i know.


when we got back to campus i made it in time to catch the last half hour of that band i wanted to see.  god that's one my favorite atmospheres...dorm basement with the small stage, low lights, band playing, the temperature risen from all the bodies, drunk kids, horny kids, old, but comfy sinking couches, the cafe in the connected room, and getting to smoke inside (finally, i hate smoking outside and freezing my fingers off)


after that i was dead tired and went back to my friend's room. we made tissue paper heart chains, haha.  we're having a valentine's gettogether tonight.  one of them just got asked out today by this supercute, sweet boy!! like now they're "in a relationship".  i love it!  i feel like i'm living vicariously because if i had a boyfriend he'd probably get sick of me or i'd fuck it up because i seem to have so many problems (eating/weight/body image issues, cutting issues, blahblahblah).  that on top of the fact that i feel quite self-centered at this age and point in my life.  even so, i'm kind of getting tired of all the random sex.  i haven't even done it in like two weeks.  also, though, i haven't really been drinking for two weeks because i've been trying to keep my calories really low, and alcohol is really what triggers my weekend hookups.  whatever.  i've had so much sex these past few months, it really doesn't matter to me right now.


well, i'm going to nap or something and then head to dinner (don't worry, i'm not eating).  oh right, i'll give you my intake for the past two days, because i did eat a little.
yesterday:  lettuce & tomatoes (~20)
                    7 crackers (100)
                    total: 120
today, so far (planning on that being it):
                              1 mini-reese's (25)
                              m&m's(30)
                              grapefruit (100)
                              cereal (225)
                              total: 380


             yea yea, the candy, the sugar.  but it's valentine's day.  it was practically forced on me.  but you'll be proud, my friend brought me a bagel from breakfast (unasked for, trust me) and i simply smelled it and threw it away!  with thoughts of "later, later, once you're thin enough, once you're trying to maintain".  i'm getting to be pro at this.  i love bagels.  maybe, depending on how much i lose this week, i'll have just one (or a half of one) next weekend, with one little pack of cream cheese (so i can count exactly how many calories).  we'll see.  i was still 112.0 today, kind of expected that, since technically my body only burns about 1500 calories a day (that's actually a pretty low estimate, just to be safe) just from doing like normal walking around, and a loss of one pound is 3500 calories.  so given my little exercise, i should only really be losing a pound every two days.  unless my body is magically burning more calories than i think, but i highly doubt that.


well, love&luck everyone,
and happy valentine's day!
(come on, it's really not that bad, even if you're single.  it doesn't mean much)
anastasia kirstyn <3


(exactly. perfect.)






Saturday, February 13, 2010

112.0? magic.

so i didn't even get the chance to be happy about getting to 113.0, because today when i woke up i was 112.0 (!!) it seems fasting is working.  (also, is it terrible how much happier losing weight makes me?  probably.)


have a lovely day ladies, mine is really busy (going into the city, coming back for parties & shows) but i'll tell you all about it once it's over.  also i'm ordering clothes online this weekend. hopefully those badass shoes i've been ogling over all week (see posts below). and a new circle scarf from american apparel. yay.

love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn
(things my day will include)


(marlboro menthols, mm. and texting, comme toujours)

(train rides. eye makeups. yum)


(friends! and heels!)

don't be a self-righteous bitch, bitch.

so thank god, the wonderful man from maintenance fixed the leak on the roof. and my room is dry!  although i still have to wash my sheets, great.


since i was 113.5 this morning i'm reaaally hoping for 113.0 when i wake up, which would put me back on track from starting last week(assuming i lose a minimum of two pounds every week).  today did eat a little, but it was two slices of grapefruit (20) and one mini-reese's peanut butter cup (25), which puts me at 45 calories for today, which is still under 50.  right now i'm afraid of a few things: a)my weight stagnating.  i know my metabolism is fucked up from all the disordered eating i've done for the past three years, so i really hope it doesn't just shut down from the fasting/low intake.  therefore i am also afraid b)to up my intake above like, 200 calories, for fear somehow it will make me gain the weight back.  i guess i'll reevaluate it in a few days to see if i've lost anymore, because i'm still sticking with under 100 per day right now.  i've been avoiding going to meals, and because of that i actually haven't been craving food at all.  i think i'm kind of one of those "all or nothing" types.  if you give me a little, i'll want the whole plate plus another.  if i just don't touch it at all, i won't eat anything for days.  i feel like right now i'll probably try to stick at a superlow intake until either i stop losing this quickly, or once i hit like 107-105, which was my high weight for all of the last school year (crazily, i only hit my highest weight at the end of the summer...i was fine before that. whatabitch).


ugh.  there is one thing that will make this rapid loss difficult.  my one suitemate.  unfortunately everyone on my hall knows about my eating problems, and my closest friends, who live on the other hall, on the same floor as me.  my closest friend here has had friends/boyfriends with eating issues forever, so she knows she can't control me and that if she tries, it will hurt her.  so she lets me do what i want (at least for now).  but my one suitemate (i live in a single that is directly connected to two other rooms) has this heightened sense of self-importance and likes to put on this stupid act of caring and having responsibility over me when we're not even close, nor do i want to tell her anything.  today she sees me and goes "ohmygod. you look thinner.  i haven't really seen you in a few days, it's so drastic." and i had to insist, "no, i'm not any thinner, god i wish though.  trust me."  and i get back "...i'll trust you. but just this once."  Honestly, it's all bullshit.  she doesn't really care about me, and she the superskinny but-with-perfect-boobs-ex-ballerina has no right to tell me how much i should weigh, or how i should get to that weight.  plus, it was like, three, four pounds loss tops.  which is hardly noticable, and only appeared so because i've been fasting, so my stomach was completely flat and my hip bones were sticking out like they always do when i have no food in my stomach.  whatever.  point is now she's watching me like a hawk.  not that she can force me to do anything, but she can tell the older students on our hall who are part of our orientation team, who are in a way a bit "responsible" for us.  i'm mildly furious, to not explain it very well at all.  point is, i'm independent, i'm an adult, no one can force me into a hospital ever, or a program, they can't force me to eat, they are not my parents.  and no way is this bitch going to prevent me from being successful at this the way i want to. 


so that's it for today.  i'm going to sleep, since i had only three and a half hours of it out of the past twenty-four.
love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn



(i wanted a cigarette so badly when i was out tonight. but i forgot them, and i felt bad bumming one from someone i didn't know. i hate giving away cigarettes to people i don't know)



 (oh how nice my bed will be once my favorite sheets are clean)

Friday, February 12, 2010

AAHHH!

i woke up this morning. an hour early at 10. after going to bed at 6:30am. to WATER DRIPPING ON MY FACE. MY CEILING IS LEAKINGG. i don't even live on the top floor of my door (the fourth) I LIVE ON THE THIRD FLOOR.
no one from maintenance is calling me back, THIS IS ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING.


on the plus side, i weighed in this morning at 113.5 lbs. which is only .5 more than what i wanted. THANK GOD FOR FASTING.


thanks for letting me vent, I'M STILL COMPLETELY FREAKING OUT.
more later,
ANASTASIA KIRSTYN (so grossed out so grossed out so grossed out)




ps.
this is why i absolutely hate the snow.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

sunlight in the afternoon

yes, it's only 4:15 pm. but i don't feel like starting work.  i've been searching around to find out what's the cheapest way for me to get cases of bottled water delivered to me at school.  it's proving more difficult than i imagined.


fasting again today.  tried to c&s a couple crackers. did it with one.  decided i didn't want them at all.  magic.  i suppose i figure if i don't allow myself to eat all the binge-triggering foods (french fries, pizza) then it's like i don't really want anything at all.  maybe i'll eat a few slices of grapefruit late tonight though?  i haven't decided.  i'm running out of kool-aid packets.


my friends and i are going into philly on saturday, i get a free check-in to see if my back piercings are healing correctly.  we're also going to see that movie, Valentine's Day, and do dinner for my friend's birthday.  i'm not worried though, being vegetarian always allows me to just order a salad "with dressing on the side" (aka dry because i won't use it).  the way i'm looking at it now is: the food will always be there later.  our DC menu repeats every six weeks.  just because i can't have the food today, doesn't mean that sometime in the distant future it won't be there. it will always be there.  it's just not for me right now. fine. i can handle that. and i will be skinny.
to be entirely honest, i'm pretty sick of philadelphia.  i've lived right outside of it my whole life, and it's just getting tiresome.  i need a new city.  i think after i graduate i might move to california.  i hate the cold.


well i suppose i'll leave you with that, maybe i'll update on how the rest of the day went later.  haha, sidenote, i love how i follow people, and some people follow me, who live in like the uk and such.  you're all finished with your successful days turning down food, while i'm still in the middle of mine.  and people on the west coast are three hours behind me.  time is such a funny thing in that way.  anyway, off to read some social cognition study, some more virginia woolf, and abnormal psych on depression and suicide, yay!


love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn




(if only it was warmer!)

fast.

today, i fasted.  for the first time (on purpose) for ages.  drank tons of 0-cal koolaid spruced up water.
it is now 12:00 am, and i have made it.
cool.  i still feel fat from the three days of actual eating i did out of the past eight, but that means four days of under 450, which is better than i've done for a while.  i'm now continuing through the weekend with a (hopefully) 50-cal max per day, allowing myself to hit 100 cals if it's a really hard day.  haven't decided if i'm drinking on saturday night or not...it can add up (normally only 500-cals max though, if i haven't eaten all day), especially given i'm still making up for those three bad days.  i'm thinking maybe i won't this weekend.
maybe i'll fast again friday or something. i think tomorrow i'm going to have a little something for flavor. i wonder how well c&s-ing works on not absorbing calories?

news! i don't know if you've heard, but the APA (American Psychological Association) is working on editing criteria for disorders for the new version of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel of Mental Disorders), the DSM-V, and today announced new criteria for eating disorders.  Surprise, surprise, now you can be anorexic and still get your period! (before you weren't classified as anorexic even if you met all the other criteria)  That was a long time coming, lame.  also they're adding binge-eating disorder.  bulimia's staying relatively the same, it appears, but that one's the most common anyway.

other things i've been learning since i just read the eating disorders section of my textbook.  PURGING ONLY RESULTS IN GETTING RID OF ABOUT HALF THE CALORIES CONSUMED.  so the other day, after i binged at lunch and went to that psych class, with super-ultra-high anxiety just dying to go to the bathroom and throw it up, i still couldn't bring myself to do it.  i've tried before unsuccessfully, and now i feel better, because i know that purging starts a really bad cycle where you feel like bingeing won't lead to gain, and maybe you'll lose.  chances are you won't.  better to restrict.  i'm fine with that.  my own form of purging is restriction (which, i believe actually makes you meet the bulimia criteria, rather than EDNOS...although i don't think my binges are as bad as the DSM requires them to be: massive amounts of food in under 2 hours...well, actually, maybe they are...haha).

anyway.  i didn't eat today, and i'm sticking this out, and not budging in upping my calories until monday where i'll allow myself 200, and no more than that until i hit at least 113, which was my end goal for this friday, which i probably won't hit by then, now.

so, it's back to reading for me, because it's unclear whether my class tomorrow is canceled or not (thanks, professor for emailing me back).  today actually also kind of sucked, despite having no class, because i didn't even leave the building, and just slowly slowly slowly dragged by in my reading. it was boring. also tomorrow i have to go to the DC to pick up some more equal packets, and i'm thinking maybe some celery.  i kind of hope i do have class, just to get my lazy butt up!


love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn


(oh my god the shoes, the shoes!!!)