Tuesday, February 16, 2010

better, but still, weighted

firstly, thank you all for your motivational comments to keep going, that slip-ups happen to all of us.  and they definitely do.  so my words to you are to not give up, you will get there, mistakes happen.  we're here for each other, and i'd just like to extend my support.  more thanks to even more followers, i'm feeling so popular today, haha.

that said, today has been good.  i only woke up to find 110.5 on the scale, so the damage hasn't been that bad (or so it appears, so far).  i haven't eaten today, and don't plan to.  tomorrow should go okay also.  i didn't go to the gym, being that i am absolutely exhausted and have piles of work to do.  i did however walk home (briskly, if you will) from cvs, listening to the dirty projectors all the way.  i've missed them!
today i also applied to a few babysitting jobs online, as i realized i'm probably going to run out of money spending (on what? i don't even know) as much as i do.  and continuing to hate my workstudy job.  so hopefully i'll get babysitting jobs and make some extra-tax-free cash.

hope everyone else's days are going well, i'm off to read, read, read (it honestly is all i do with my life these days),
anastasia kirstyn

(and yet, peculiarly, today is one of those days i just feel heavy and weighed down by any and all the things that bother me in the world.  one of those days where i wish i was that little girl again, finding myself in the clouds with my mother, no preoccupations with food, or weight, or a skewed body image pulling me back from enjoying life in the normal ways.  tonight we're having a birthday party for one of my best friends.  i won't eat the cake.  i won't let one chip touch my lips.  and that, is heavy.  but at the same, i wouldn't give it up.  i know if i did eat them, i would feel miles worse than i already do.  if i did eat normally, i wouldn't lose this weight that's been making me hate myself for months, making me feel as if it's not really me all these people are seeing.  the real me found comfort in her 93-pound frame, in being smaller, lighter, more delicate, fragile.  it was as if my outside matched the inside, and people looked at me with more concern, care, and caution.  it's as if i don't warrant sympathy when i'm bigger.   yesterday a girl on my hall caught a glimpse of the cuts covering my left arm when i momentarily forgot about them while going into the shower.  she didn't say anything, but with the look on her face i realized, and i felt so ashamed.  but it's like i can't even accept sympathy for that, i'm just not thin enough yet.  i feel crazy)

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