not again, you broken record

so.  ate horribly again today.  i don't know what's with me, but i do know that going to meals is what's triggering this eating.  letting people drag me to meals is not allowed to happen.  i'm starting this 7-day grapefruit cleanse over and i'm sticking to it, that's the only option.  i will not slip back into this starving/gaining everything back pattern again.  i'm sick of it.

maybe when i drop my calories so low, sure, i get hungry which hurts a little, i get really tired, i get weak.
   but even if i do choose to eat i feel fat, i feel disgustingly full, i feel lethargic anyway from eating too much at once.  i feel worse.  i hate myself.  i hate my body.  i even hate my face with its little bits of excess weight here and there.  the skin not pulling at my bone structure like it does when i'm thinner.  i like feeling empty.  i love seeing the numbers go down.  i'm living for it.  i will be successful.  i will continue losing.  i will win.  also i just ordered two beautiful pairs of abercrombie size 0s jeans (don't get too excited, i'm 5'2" and i've never gone beyond a size 2, i've always been skinny-average).  and i won't put them on until they fit perfectly.

also i had this crazy scary dream that one of my best friends became a follower on here, meaning she knew me and had read through the whole thing and knew what was going on.  it totally freaked me out for my first few waking minutes.  anyway.  new week.  fresh start.  and absolutely not allowed to go to the dining center. no. no. no. no. take a nap. a shower. go to the gym.  anything but.  i will not step foot in that building.  i just don't have the self-control right now.

much better luck than i've been having,
stay focused,
love,
anastasia kirstyn

(motivation one: look like this in new jeans)

(motivation two: i have this shirt. look like this in it again.)

(be in control.)