when we got back to campus i made it in time to catch the last half hour of that band i wanted to see. god that's one my favorite atmospheres...dorm basement with the small stage, low lights, band playing, the temperature risen from all the bodies, drunk kids, horny kids, old, but comfy sinking couches, the cafe in the connected room, and getting to smoke inside (finally, i hate smoking outside and freezing my fingers off)
after that i was dead tired and went back to my friend's room. we made tissue paper heart chains, haha. we're having a valentine's gettogether tonight. one of them just got asked out today by this supercute, sweet boy!! like now they're "in a relationship". i love it! i feel like i'm living vicariously because if i had a boyfriend he'd probably get sick of me or i'd fuck it up because i seem to have so many problems (eating/weight/body image issues, cutting issues, blahblahblah). that on top of the fact that i feel quite self-centered at this age and point in my life. even so, i'm kind of getting tired of all the random sex. i haven't even done it in like two weeks. also, though, i haven't really been drinking for two weeks because i've been trying to keep my calories really low, and alcohol is really what triggers my weekend hookups. whatever. i've had so much sex these past few months, it really doesn't matter to me right now.
well, i'm going to nap or something and then head to dinner (don't worry, i'm not eating). oh right, i'll give you my intake for the past two days, because i did eat a little.
yesterday: lettuce & tomatoes (~20)
7 crackers (100)
today, so far (planning on that being it):
1 mini-reese's (25)
yea yea, the candy, the sugar. but it's valentine's day. it was practically forced on me. but you'll be proud, my friend brought me a bagel from breakfast (unasked for, trust me) and i simply smelled it and threw it away! with thoughts of "later, later, once you're thin enough, once you're trying to maintain". i'm getting to be pro at this. i love bagels. maybe, depending on how much i lose this week, i'll have just one (or a half of one) next weekend, with one little pack of cream cheese (so i can count exactly how many calories). we'll see. i was still 112.0 today, kind of expected that, since technically my body only burns about 1500 calories a day (that's actually a pretty low estimate, just to be safe) just from doing like normal walking around, and a loss of one pound is 3500 calories. so given my little exercise, i should only really be losing a pound every two days. unless my body is magically burning more calories than i think, but i highly doubt that.
well, love&luck everyone,
and happy valentine's day!
(come on, it's really not that bad, even if you're single. it doesn't mean much)
anastasia kirstyn <3