Saturday, February 20, 2010

i did it anyway

i knew i was going to do it.  and i did it.  yesterday i ate and ate and ate until my stomach felt like it was going to burst.  then i ate a little more.  i didn't even enjoy the taste.

i've never felt so much stomach pain in my life.  i've taken about a million pepto-bismol tablets.  perhaps this will serve as a reminder that binges after serious restriction are pretty much the worst idea ever, in multiple ways.
7-day grapefruit cleanse is starting tomorrow (well, today, saturday) because it hurts too much to even think about putting anything significant into my stomach.  i'm pretty sure i'll be able to stick this one out, given i feel so utterly disgusting.  who knows though, i just keep fucking up.
    however i found one of those countdown clocks that does a 'count-back' type thing, mine being 'time since a binge'.  i'm pretty much trying to never have to reset it.  i'm now at 3 hours and 21 minutes (well, since the end of the day's eating really).  bingeing is the most disgusting thing ever.  ugh.

   i'm choosing to believe though, that this will be serious motivation to get through the next two weeks (it seems my tipping point for a binge has only extended to a week, which always makes the week's loss pointless, as i gain it all back with the binge).  i'm not going to the dining center.  i'm not looking at what they're serving.  i have no food in my room.  just grapefruit.  i know i've said this before, but each time i get closer and closer and the eating gets more spaced out.  what sucks is that right now, given my weight and these ridiculous restricting/bingeing habits i'm basically bulimic.  i really would like to get rid of that title.  it just implies that i'm not successful enough to be skinny enough to meet the anorexia criteria.  lame.

something happier later.  i'm exhausted again on four hours of sleep (screw you two friday essays being due).  sorry this was kind of a bitchy rant.
to add to it, i'm out of my mind jealous and sick of hearing about my friend L's new boyfriend and how cute he is and how much she likes him and every little detail of them spending time together.  i love her and i'm happy for her but god it just reminds me of how incapable i am of finding anyone to care about/who cares for me.  i haven't felt anything for anyone in five years.  maybe it's because i'm so self-absorbed and focused on beautiful things.
luck to all of you,
anastasia kirstyn


  1. Ah well, shit happens, that was three hours ago and this is now, put it behind you and focus on fixing this in a way that wot lead to you binging again,
    you will find someone, eventually, you just have more on your mind right now,
    I hope your feeling a little better, x.

  2. After a binge it's even more motivational to take a look at WHY you binged, then try to avoid the cause.

    I don't believe there is a nonpurging type bulimic. Isn't that what bulimia is? Binge purge? Just because you aren't vommiting or laxing up the place doesn't mean it's not a purge. fasting and restricting to compensate (sp?) can be considered a purge.

    you may mean Binge Eating Disorder.

    But it is normal to have these rough periods. Don't sweat it, just make it through!

    If your friend bothers you that much, tell her she's the one in love with the guy, not you (in a nice way). Otherwise I don't she'd stop.

  3. yea i think you're right, fasting/restricting is a form of purging.
    thanks for the advice and support girls, i am feeling better today.

  4. your blog is amazing...
    if you have time would you look at mine?
    thanks xx