ridiculous

i've been eating today.  too much too much too much.
thinking about my one very catholic friend giving up something she loves for lent.  giving it up for something symbolic.  something she feels is worth it.  it's a miniscule amount of time in the grand scheme of her life.  i need to just give up all those additional calories, turn away from food, for something inherently more important and gratifying: being thin.  i don't love food.  i hate it.  it represents the antithesis of what i desire.  honestly, if i just committed to this for even three to four weeks, i'd already hit underweight level.  three weeks? there are fifty-two of them in a year.  it's ridiculous to even think about not being able to do that, when you look at it that way.  i have plenty of weeks to have a little more food.  i need to be devoted to attaining the weight, the body i want, that i feel is a truer image of who i am, how i feel.
i'm starting a grapefruit cleanse on sunday.  only half a grapefruit.  every day.  for seven days.  i need to work up to it, however, that's why it's sunday.  minimal eating for the next two days.  i'm sorry i've been so bad and i've binged and not bounced back.  but my binges have gotten fewer and further between.  and i want this so badly.  so badly.

i am exhausted, exhausted, exhausted.
                  and cold.  always cold.


                        also i've moved onto my legs as my new canvas for my straight red lines.
                           no one gets to see these.  they're for me. 
                                                                    this is all for me.
                              
                                            and were we ever happy?