since i was 113.5 this morning i'm reaaally hoping for 113.0 when i wake up, which would put me back on track from starting last week(assuming i lose a minimum of two pounds every week). today did eat a little, but it was two slices of grapefruit (20) and one mini-reese's peanut butter cup (25), which puts me at 45 calories for today, which is still under 50. right now i'm afraid of a few things: a)my weight stagnating. i know my metabolism is fucked up from all the disordered eating i've done for the past three years, so i really hope it doesn't just shut down from the fasting/low intake. therefore i am also afraid b)to up my intake above like, 200 calories, for fear somehow it will make me gain the weight back. i guess i'll reevaluate it in a few days to see if i've lost anymore, because i'm still sticking with under 100 per day right now. i've been avoiding going to meals, and because of that i actually haven't been craving food at all. i think i'm kind of one of those "all or nothing" types. if you give me a little, i'll want the whole plate plus another. if i just don't touch it at all, i won't eat anything for days. i feel like right now i'll probably try to stick at a superlow intake until either i stop losing this quickly, or once i hit like 107-105, which was my high weight for all of the last school year (crazily, i only hit my highest weight at the end of the summer...i was fine before that. whatabitch).
ugh. there is one thing that will make this rapid loss difficult. my one suitemate. unfortunately everyone on my hall knows about my eating problems, and my closest friends, who live on the other hall, on the same floor as me. my closest friend here has had friends/boyfriends with eating issues forever, so she knows she can't control me and that if she tries, it will hurt her. so she lets me do what i want (at least for now). but my one suitemate (i live in a single that is directly connected to two other rooms) has this heightened sense of self-importance and likes to put on this stupid act of caring and having responsibility over me when we're not even close, nor do i want to tell her anything. today she sees me and goes "ohmygod. you look thinner. i haven't really seen you in a few days, it's so drastic." and i had to insist, "no, i'm not any thinner, god i wish though. trust me." and i get back "...i'll trust you. but just this once." Honestly, it's all bullshit. she doesn't really care about me, and she the superskinny but-with-perfect-boobs-ex-ballerina has no right to tell me how much i should weigh, or how i should get to that weight. plus, it was like, three, four pounds loss tops. which is hardly noticable, and only appeared so because i've been fasting, so my stomach was completely flat and my hip bones were sticking out like they always do when i have no food in my stomach. whatever. point is now she's watching me like a hawk. not that she can force me to do anything, but she can tell the older students on our hall who are part of our orientation team, who are in a way a bit "responsible" for us. i'm mildly furious, to not explain it very well at all. point is, i'm independent, i'm an adult, no one can force me into a hospital ever, or a program, they can't force me to eat, they are not my parents. and no way is this bitch going to prevent me from being successful at this the way i want to.
so that's it for today. i'm going to sleep, since i had only three and a half hours of it out of the past twenty-four.
love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn
(i wanted a cigarette so badly when i was out tonight. but i forgot them, and i felt bad bumming one from someone i didn't know. i hate giving away cigarettes to people i don't know)
(oh how nice my bed will be once my favorite sheets are clean)
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