so yay, it's the new year.
yes a new start, but at the same time not, because i was doing really well in december. really, now i'm just lucky because i'm spending my last two weeks at home recovering from getting my tonsils out and not being able to eat a thing. who knows how long it will be before i can eat rougher foods (ie chips crackers, all the carbs that are normally my downfall). could be three weeks to a month. &for me, once certain foods are cut out of what you can eat, it's just easier and easier to cut out one more type, and then another and another until eventually all you're intaking is like celery, diet soda, and vitamin water. love it.
so hopefully i'll lose a few pounds in the next two weeks just by default because of the pain (tylenol with codeine is such a joke, my aunt who's a nurse told me it never works and now i should ask for something stronger).
anyway, i hope you all are doing well with this fresh start that is 2011. you can reach your goals!
i feel really lucky, i am both forced and have a legitimate excuse to not eat/be weird about eating for a whilee. (we are such sick people, aren't we?)
so don't really have much to say, nor will i for the next two weeks as my life will be filled with television and movies for two weeks. film recommendations anyone?? tomorrow i'm watching y tu mama tambien and run, lola, run...but i could also use some lighthearted/upbeat (but QUALITY) ones too!
early in the fall, i found a boy. well really, he found me, and chased me.
and i fell for him. i liked him he was special. i even waited to sleep with him.
we had only eachother, i didn't sleep around, we talked, we started to know each other.
andthen suddenly, as the leaves started to turn, started to fall, so quickly, i lost him. still in love with his ex, i wasn't her, she didn't want him, i wasn't enough, he couldn't do it, something.
i still miss that boy, lost something i never got a chance to really have.
ironic, that now i'm sleeping with another boy, whom last fall showed me that i had it in me, i could actually like someone, not heartless, i discovered.
he managed to touch it, and then pulled away. i liked him, but it wasn't right, i wasn't her, he couldn't do it, something like that again.
now i have him (somewhat), and real feelings are gone and it's lost and i'm lost and we really are only friends, but that's nice, for what it is, but still i'm lost, i'm insecure, unsure.
one hundred and four pounds, which used to be kind of okay and i feel humongous. early in the morning you see bones, you see thin, hours pass you feel like the biggest thing in the room you can't see it, i can't see it will i ever? does it end? girls fall to this in their teens and seven, ten years later it still defines them for themselves, they can't get rid of it, can't let go of it, don't want to, what else is there? how can i live like this forever? but how can i let go when i'm not thin enough yet? why would i let go, what good could it do me?
so sorry for the randomness of this post.
christmas over, it was good, i ate enough for mummy to be happy. oh also she got me a vegetarian cookbook and the materials you need to make/eat your own sushi. i feel like she just doesn't know what to do to make me eat so that's her way of hoping i'll try to be healthy. lolthanksfortryingmom.
she knows i haven't been eating meals though, and she only said something the other day when i lied to her about eating breakfast and she was like "why did you lie to me? you didn't eat breakfast. is it because you didn't want me to bother you about eating?" bingo! i just sat there and avoided her eyes not saying anything...so for two out of the past three days she knows i haven't eaten meals, but hasn't said a thing. maybe she's just given up? i don't really believe that though, and it'll probably blow up in my face pretty soon.
luckily though, i'm getting my tonsils out in a week, so i won't be able to eat anything except popsicles for a while anyway. i'm gonna milk it until the end of break (january 18) and basically just make my way up to eating soup by the time i go back to school. also i haven't gained in the week i've been home (haven't lost though either), still at steady 105.5. but that's amazing considering i haven't been this low since senior year. woohoo.
anyway. my mind is everywhere and i'm like super-relapsing/back into my old habits, not that anything was ever normal really, it's just that right now i'm actually successful. things that haven't helped with me not wanting to lose and not eat: the boy i'm hooking up with telling me last week that he loves that i'm so small (&telling me i'm pretty, aw), and literally just picking me up off the bed and placing me standing on the floor, with no help from me. i can't even fake fight with him, i'm too little i have no power. andd like the rest of you i totally love it. also all the attention he's giving me (textingwhatt) even though we're on break. planning to hang out over break. people noticing, and telling me i'm "looking thin" and asking if i've been eating. haven't they learned it just makes you want it more? seeing serious hip bones, ribs all the time, arms with real shape instead of doughy blobs, elbows, really skinny wrists. actually losing weight
things i remember now:nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. i actually like feeling hungry. going to bed hungry is the best feeling. losing, seeing a lower number on the scale, gives you the most fulfilling feeling in the world, it is success. when you're thinner, you're prettier. clothes that normally fit feeling loose really does happen. unfortunately, not being able to sleep does come with this (remember to try to get at least 6 hours though for your metabolism to keep working right!!). THERE IS NOTHING THAT FEELS BETTER THAN LOSING, nothing.
&&that is our reality. &i am so happy to feel like i am really back.
bingeing does not exist in my world anymore. starvation and success only. love&luck, anastasia kirstyn
i think my mother took my brother and me out to dinner at an italian place tonight on purpose,
so she could watch me eat cheesy, calorie-filled food, and make sure i ate today.
ugh the ultimate downside to being home for winter break.
&tomorrow? she has plans for cookie baking with us.
but i was really good on my own today, i only ate some vegetables besides the dinner she made me eat.
god i'm such a bitch.
but whatever, i don't want to get caught this month that i'm home, so i'll play along the days that i have to, and all the others i'll just starve, starve, starve.
my body just wants to drop the weight, it's dropping off kind of quickly these days.
so close to being back in the double digits. can't wait.
love&luck to all of you, especially with the holidays & how stressful it can be to deal with gatherings with food, people always around, being stuck with parents for too many hours in which you should be eating,
we'll get through it,
oh and ps. i'm the lowest weight i've been in the past year and a half. !!!!! how is this finally reality?
AND only 9 lbs away from my stagnant low weight from junior year of high school.
&some days it feels like no effort, none at all.
summer went really well, i had tons of fun. enough said there.
in all honesty i didn't know if i was going to come back to this blog a few weeks ago. i wasn't feeling as ED-centered/focused as usual (though i had lost weight...it was just not my main focus at all).
but of course, today i check the scale for the first time in a few days...and i'm down like three pounds this week. &i have no idea how it happened. i drank three nights this week, and i thought i was eating a normal person amount, and i did not exercise.
maybe it was the sex i've been having. or maybe i'm just eating way less than i think, i wasn't counting.
soo i realized i need an outlet, and i also realized my eating/weight issues are obviously still a concern for me.
so overall update, i'm about 13 pounds down from may, when i left school. my friends all noticed the weight loss, even though i honestly can't tell looking at myself. "wow you lost like a lot of weight this summer you look so much skinnier" and casually after i remarked about some girl passing by having lost weight, "yea did you lose weight cause it looks like it". honestly i was fluctuating around 116 once i went to work at camp, and then i got strep throat and couldn't eat because of the pain for a few days, and i dropped a few pounds...and now it's just getting easier and my body seems to want the weight to come off. i can't wear my skinny jeans without a belt, my hip bones are back, my back is all ribs and backbones. i guess i there are differences. it's weird that it's happening without a lot of effort from me. the cool thing about this school year (sophomore in college woo) is that i'm living in an on-campus apartment, so i'm off the meal plan and can eat/not eat whatever i want. i basically have lots of snack food, very little meal food, plenty of veggies, and some vegetarian stuff for when i do feel like eating dinner. my schedule makes it so lunch just doesn't really happen, since i don't go to the dining center for it...i just don't bring food with me upcampus to class. it's so simple.
so that's what's new on the eating/weight scene for me. i'm really tired and have so much work to do, but i promise i'll update you on juicy details (boys boys boys) later.
so i'm working at a camp for the next nine weeks
with one shared computer between a staff of like 60 plus 15-20something yearolds
so basically i'll barely be able to post
i'm still working on the losses though,
met my first goal weight! i hit 114.5 yesterday! it made me soooo happy!
partly i think when i don't eat a lot, the topamax helps my body lose more weight faster. and it keeps my hunger from being too painful, and sometimes i just don't get hungry all day even though i don't eat, so that's really cool, especially since i'll be working as a counselor and i have to be on my game with the kids all day long, so i really can't be worrying about myself or in pain.
love and luck to you all, i hope you're doing well
i've been feeling a lot better.
i went to BONNAROO! and it was definitely one of the best experiences of my lifeee i urge you all to go
i had plenty of favorites. tops wereee. regina spektor, she & him, jay-z, the xx, deadmau5, the flaming lips, lcd soundsystem...the list goes on and on...so much music, and everyone was sooo good!
okwell. i have to leave really soon (tonight!) but i'll try to do a few short posts if i ever get a chance just to update you on things if i can.
love&luck to you all
&&;i have been reading, just so you know,
nicole fox from antm cycle 13, my favorite winner!
the cheap scale i own said 119.5 yesterday.
my mother's scale said 118.5 though.
and today. the scale at the house where i babysit, said 118.5. and that was with jeans on.
and i had to have lost. because at that house, on friday, it said 120.0. so that's something.
i had a teeny salad with dab of 15 calorie dressing, 15 pita chips, and some pickles today and i feel like a whale.
there's something wrong with me.
but i only feel this way, because i'm afraid i won't even have a half pound loss tomorrow, and that will hurt.
luckily i work 8 hours a day now, and don't have time to think about breakfast or lunch, and don't care to make anything beside salads for dinner.
i'm still taking topa, and thanks to the slowness of the mail i'm just now upping my dosage to 100mg a day from 50. it's true that i had a smaller appetite but that could partly be because i just stopped eating of my own accord so my stomach shrunk. i still get hungry, but can't eat much of anything because nothing fits in my stomach. also really sweet sodas taste off, but i only drink diet so no loss there. i mostly do salty, not sweets. i'll update you if those things change.
i hope everyone's doing well. i'm trying to catch up on your blogs, but it's slow since i'm working a lot and trying to get enough sleep also.
lots of love and luck,
and take some time to enjoy the scenery. sometimes the world is beautiful, even if we don't feel we are. (but you are, i promise)
i've been crashing at my friends' apartment near where i work. and one of them gained like at LEAST the freshman fifteen (i'd go for like, 25). and she keeps going to the gym. but anyone who knows anything about losing weight knows you can't just go to the gym, you have to WATCH WHAT YOU EAT. she continues to eat ice cream daily, lots of cheese (so fattening), guacamole with tortilla chips, hummus (that stuff is so high in calories if you eat a lot of it!!!) but oh she eats it with CARROTS not pita chips-THEY ALL HAVE CALORIES!, and snacks all the time! the other day at the shore she ate a giaaant chipwich (ice cream sandwiched between two huge chocolate chip cookies). i'm dying watching her. like hi, you have what looks like a guy's beer gut, and you're STILL EATING DESSERT???? EVERYONE KNOWS YOU HAVE TO CUT OUT BIG DESSERTS ("haha dessert is my favorite meal!")! today she ate TWO ICE CREAM SANDWICHES!! AND JUST NOW WENT BACK FOR M&M's!!! obviously i feel better about how little i'm eating, but she eats waaayyy more than the other girl in the apartment who's not trying to lose weight. and she's "sure" she gained all this weight "just at the end of spring semester" (not true at all) from "drinking so much" also not true. it's from the melted bowl of chocolate chips she ate at lunch every day. she honestly thinks her going to the gym every day is going to take this weight off? forget about it! she doesn't even own a scale!!
okay. now i definitely feel better about myself. remember girls. there are people out there doing a LOT worse!
i'm alive. breathing. at least.
i lost three pounds. at least. i checked yesterday. i was 120. i haven't really eaten all week. i drank a little these past two nights though so who knows. i'm staying at people's apartments. i hope i've gone down. i have stomach pains in the worst way. i hope i've lost more.
i'm not really happy. i'm sorry to post something so depressing.
i'm still messing around with the same guy. and i know it's fucking me up. when he wants me, i'm really fucking happy, and when he suddenly isn't interested one night (ie, tonight) i'm so low. it's disgusting. i wish i could change. i wish someone just loved me. one hundred percent of the time. i hate myself. the only thing i can count on is losing weight. even if i keep drinking on weekends (3-5 shots max, which will still amount to a loss for the day) i won't eat. i don't want to. losing is the only thing i can do for myself. even if i'm tired. even if i have to curl into a ball and practically scream because the pain is so much, i don't care. it's the only thing i can do to matter to myself. i work fucking eight hours a day, just to pay for car insurance, and living expenses. and i just want to be thin. that's the only reward i can get. this is my life, this is what i can control, i can finally take a look at my body and say, okay, we've improved, i'm not a huge cow any more (i hope i'll feel that way, at 99 lbs, 93 lbs).
i love you all and i'm sorry i keep disappearing i'm just going through a lot of shit and keep getting depressed and unable to deal with anything and even accept that i'm doing this to myself. but i'm really really low tonight and i needed to at least let you all know i'm here, you're wonderful, and not alone, not ever, i love you, really. we're all here for each other.
love&luck, hope, happiness, i hope it comes to you
someone took pictures of our a cappella concert this saturday.
I'M GOING THROUGH A CRISIS.
as in. i'm fucking huge.
like. huger than huge. i thought being 116 was huge? oh no. this is DISGUSTING. 123 is DISGUSTING.
solution? not eating.
can i eat under 100 calories each day for the next three days?
cause then it's a drinking fest at my school for two days.
and then it's back to restriction restriction restriction.
this is ridiculous.
quick post cause i've been thinking about you all a lot.
i'm currently writing a paper for my abnormal psychology class
and the topic is the pro-ana movement on the internet.
(yes yes i picked it i can't help that i'm obsessed with this mess that is whatever i have)
but in reading these studies, some of which have quotes from websites that girls like us have used,
i just felt again an overwhelming sense of support and compassion and empathy coming from them,
and it makes me again feel so grateful to be part of such a supportive and wonderful community.
you girls are all amazing, and all working hard at figuring things out for yourselves, and supporting each other in whatever is happening. you have all made such a difference in making me feel better about myself and less alone. i love you all.
also amazing thanks to Alice for the sunshine award! just more proof that you ladies are amazing and reaching out to each other has really helped a lot of us.
i've thanked her here. [elusively] given my tumblr is open to my realworldfriends.
&i'll be giving out my own awards when i have more time.
i unfortunately really am amazingly busy and stressed out. as this paper is supposed to be 10 pages and it's due in two days, alongside a 16page essay exam, and another 4page essay. i promise i'll be much more present after these next two weeks are over (end of classes)
a few more brief things i suppose, though. since you want updates&isuddenly want to procrastinate to update you (!)
my weight and eating habits have been bouncing during my absences. i'll have a few good days, a few bad days. a few good exercise days in a row, a few days where i have zero time, &am probably stress eating for flavor since there is a lack of interesting things beside coursework in my life. my weight is sadly not 120 like it says, it's 123 :( back to my highest. but i took adderall tonight (actually for studying purposes, ick) which has the added bonuses of me not needing sleep and losing my appetite. i might even take another tomorrow depending on the workload, because i doubt i'll finish it all before the effects run out and i crash. just keep the high going! haha. also through the sneaky tricks of a fellow blogger i've figured out i can order generic topamax (topiramate?) online through sketchy, non-prescription-necessary international pharmacy websites. it's used for a variety of things but helps with weightloss and is prescribed for binge-eating disorder. [visit Lola for some more info on side effects&risks] it'd be great if i could stop those binges and actually keep weight off for once (my 'purging' methods of intense restriction periods have gotten fewer and farther between, ugh. though my weight's been pretty stable. no loss.) we'll see if they come ( in 10-21 days! ah!) and if they actually work, or if they're fake or something. also it's only 25 mg (whereas the lovely 20-lb-loss-in-one-month Zen is on 400 mg/day) but that's because that's all they sell, and i am kind of poor, so at ~$1 a tablet i can afford 30 of them as a trial in case it's a scam or something. maybe i'll take two a day so i'll be at 50 mg. don't know. we'll see how it goes.
wow. that was tons of logistical rambling. it's the adderall, sorry (!) making me talkative even on the internet, goodness!
although it's also because i miss you guys, and i figure i'll be up all hours for the next day so i'll have time.
oh fuck. this is going to be a long one, isn't it? (so be it).
here we go then. got rid of the boy i'd been screwing regularly. it got weird, and was hurting me (as you can see in my recent posts), because i was attached without liking him. and i think he was moderately attached, but less than i was. it's fine now though. i didn't hang out with him last weekend and barely saw him all week, but then this week i've run into him a few times and we're totally fine and friendly, which is PERFECT-exactly what i want. i hate post-fuck-buddy awkwardness. it's GREAT.
also i found out some things about this other guy i hooked up with before this last one, J. (i know i've gone through a lot of boys so if you don't follow, don't worry). this one i hooked up with before winter break, and we had to use plan b, and it was complicated. but i thought we were fine because we hooked up again at the beginning of this semester, but then after two weeks he spazzed and wouldn't look at me. it clearly bothered me, but i let it go to the weirdness of guys. however, a few weeks ago my guy friend who lives on his hall was talking with me, and realized that i had been the one J had the whole plan b thing happen with, and told me that J was actually really freaked out and scared, and that's probably why he pushed away. i feel bad, since i wasn't really worried, i have lots of faith in that stuff (haha). but we're also fine now and he's been saying hi to me a lot. oh silly boys.
so anyway. doubt you'll read all that. but you asked for an update, so you got one! there's still more but i should definitely write my paper (6.5 hours before i have to go to class,work,AEROBICS,&filmingstuff until 9pm. ohgodohgod.notenoughtime)
ok. onto work. also. texting buddies in the US. i'd love you right now to keep me on track with the eating! let me know!
i really do LOVE you girls.
&thank you for being there for me, and each other
you're the best, and have made so much of a difference for me
ps. another plug for my [tumblr]
i'd love it if you followed, &if you have one, let me know, i'd love to follow you
it's a little less time consuming than this blog, fewer words/real experiences, more photos/quotes
&therefore my newest quick artsy fix
consider joining if you don't have one, it's a nice outlet
promise i'll update you on things when work calms down.
in the meantime, fasting today (wednesday). i need something to keep me honest.
anyone want an ana texting buddy (US)?
i would love one, though i've never done it before.
although, kudos to me, i've been to the gym 7 times in the past 9 days.
friday night. got too drunk, didn't want to be so drunk. was too clingy with the boy. said so many things i wish i hadn't said, things i don't remember.i think i scared him away.
i got attached. attached to having the same body to sleep with, the same arms wrapped around me. i don't like it. no more of that boy for me. late saturday night i walked by his room, empty, i'm sure he found some other girl to be with that night.
friday we slept together. fell asleep quicklyiwassodrunk. woke up at fiveish. he left. he didn't care.i cut myself. again and again and still didn't feel any better. saturday got drunk again, better this time. was with friends. danced all night. parted ways with them, smoked cigs sitting in beach chairs on the third floor fire escape steps with two guys from my hall while they had shared a bong (i hate weed, makes me anxious, too much in my own head).
then. they just left. went inside. i just wandered. down to the ground. back of the building, there are these really cool steps in the back, stone, with big ledges to sit and lean.
probably smoked like six cigarettes quickly. alone. found a safety pin on my skirt, started scratching up my thighs again. oh right, i remember now, my best friend saw all those lines on my thighs when we went to the bathroom together saturday. she wasn't drunk. she remembers. she thought i was doing okay, that it was in the past, because all she'd seen were my arms, healing.
went inside. found a guy i'm friends with. he smoked a cig outside with me. i just wanted a shoulder to lean on. he gave it, but i could tell he didn't really want to. wasn't totally comfortable. went inside. up to bed, supposedly.
cut myself some more. i just can't seem to stop. my thighs hurt when i bend my legs up now, i like that. masochistic, it seems.
and i can't seem to stay happy. i'll go out, have a good time (alcohol necessary for that part), but that's short distraction. i'm so unhappy, so much of the time.
laid around all day wishing i could do coursework. i just couldn't do anything. i didn't do anything.
my family decided to come take me to dinner because it's easter and i miss them, they're only forty minutes away from my school. it was nice to see them, but again, once they left, here i am again, feeling empty.
i don't know what's wrong with me. is this the start of depression? why? where is it coming from? i find myself all the time just saying "go away, go away, go away" to whatever this feeling is that i can't name and can't find a source of. i don't know what's wrong. i don't know why i'm not happy. i don't know what to do. i don't want to do anything. essay, readings due tomorrow. 1:45 am, haven't started. can't see myself writing anything with quality.
i just want it togo away. go away. go away.
ps. i made a tumblr. it's not going to be superthinspo-y, my real friends are reading it, and they can't know about this blog. it will definitely involve beautiful thin people though. if you want the link, comment with your email or something, i'll give it to you. too afraid people will find it.
i am sick of boys.
i am sick of being unwanted
(aside from my physicality)
i hate myself
i can't stop physically hurting myself.
(thin red lines found their way into my arms again tonight,
i thought i'd decided to just do thighs. i can't help it.)
the only thing i have control over is getting thinner.
boy, stop fucking me up. i can't do it anymore.
it hurts so much.
can't really keep this to myself.
just got personal thinspo thrown in my face, by my friend posting last year's memorial day pictures on facebook today, first time i've seen them. let's remember that last year at memorial day i was somewhere between 100-106.
i remember all i ate that day was a salad without dressing, and drank tons of strawberry powerade zero to keep myself hydrated. pretty sure that's how many of those days then were. there's no fat on the inside of my knees in that picture! there's extra space around my arms in that xs abercrombie jacket (now it's skin tight) no muffin top! my stomach had to have been so little to enjoy fitting in that tight jacket loosely.
it's by no means perfect, i still want to be a decent amount thinner than that. but maybe this was exactly what i need, the most opportune thinspiration, remembering i have been there, i can do this.
love&luck to you all,
because we can do this,
also, intake today: 400kcal. cutting down to 200 or less tomorrow.
sorry for it being a few days, again. again very busy with schoolwork, but also fun. this past week was weird. by the end of it i got into a rut, had a very "fuck it" attitude about food, and ate for the past few days what i thought was normally or even too much. amazingly i got on the scale this morning (which took a lot of courage, i was so afraid) and I LOST WEIGHT! one little pound, I am 120.0. but i didn't even think i was restricting at all, i was eating dessert, drinking. i was sooo afraid i had gained like three. i guess i just wasn't really paying attention to the fact that i wasn't eating too much.
also, my other slight theory is that i probably burned significant amounts of calories given i was with a boy (the same one!) the past two nights. we like to go in for round two, three, four... lol. it was nice to hook up with him, E, the same guy i hooked up with twice in the beginning of the semester. he's also the last guy i hooked up with. which is such a long time for me, as i normally find someone new every weekend. partly it was because i wasn't drinking a lot for a few weeks, and just wasn't into it.
i'm starting to get a little scared now that we've hooked up like four times, because i'm not used to attachment, and i'm afraid to get attached, and things seem to be getting a little less "random hookup" and a little more sweet, intimate, caring. something. i don't know. i freaked out a bit last night when we started hooking up and sort of spilled this to him, and his sentiments are the same. he also gets around. but we're both really confused and neither of us are looking for relationships. i think we see them as unrealistic for ourselves or in our situation being that we're in college, and partly because we're afraid of them. i know he tried to date a few girls in the beginning of the year, and realized that's not what most college girls out on weekends are looking for...so he kind of got defeated. but he told me last night that where he's from (italy. so jealous) that's all people do. they date, have relationships, no random hookups. so it's different but he totally 180-ed. I don't know. things are weird. on friday he wasn't even drunk at all and still wanted me, it wasn't just random sloppy drunk running into each other kind of thing. i don't know. it's really confusing. especially because last night he stayed, we fell asleep, and then by like early in the morning he was like 'my back really hurts on your mattress...would it be ok if i left? like are you okay with that?". when he normally just leaves after like 20 minutes of just lying there, not asking, just saying he's going to go. it's weird. it's like we must care about each other on some level. it just feels like it.
ugh. whatever. i think i'll be better if we either keep hooking up or don't, but nothing more. i'm a mess.
aside from the sexcapades, this weekend was lovely because i just read a novel basically all these past two days, for my lit class, and it's really good and feels like reading for fun! so nicee. also the show at our college's basement space was amazing, so many amazing indie bands. the best show of the year, i think. also E showed me this neat little alcove outside the window of the basement that fits like 10 people if you squish, because they weren't letting us smoke inside on friday. it was kind of amazing. anyway. today eating was good, probably under 400 calories. i'm going to try really hard this week, i want to keep losing, at least three or four pounds a week until i'm happy. i have five weeks until finals. i would love to be 101-106 by then. i'd finally be at the same weight as last year, when i only moderately hated myself.
also, it's almost april! spring! and new beginnings!
<3 anastasia kirstyn
wow. you're all so sweet and understanding. thank you for all your supportive comments on my last post, i'm sad we all have these types of experiences, but it's a bit better to know someone else understands and doesn't judge. also to clarify. it's not that i don't want to cry. i just can't. it won't happen. i wish it would. i know chances are good i'd feel a lot better. isn't what i do just a way of getting the pain out, of trying to fix something, through food, through numbers, through straight lines etched into skin?
yesterday went really well food-wise. today not so much. fasting tomorrow.
and have aerobics class.
i kind of just don't want to eat. just to like. have something, you know? just so i can say to myself: hey, look. you wanted to lose 25 or 30 pounds before school ended. you wanted it. and you made it happen. and you can do whatever you want and you can make things seem better by setting these goals and doing whatever you have to do to make them happen.
honestly just not eating. requires no physical effort. no extra decision-making. just say no and stick to it. it has been so simple in the past, i am capable of doing this. i used to be 90 pounds for god's sake!
(ugh that knowledge hurts. anything over 102 used to be unthinkable! i didn't even think i was capable of hitting 110 and now look at me! ugh. well. get over it. move on. weight comes off. it's magical.)
aside from that, i was wondering how people feel about using adderall as an appetite suppressant. have you done it, did it work, how hungry do you get once you stop taking it, do you like it? i know to really be in control i should be able to just turn down food all by myself all the time, but sometimes i need a little push of food in general just seeming so entirely unappealing. i don't know. feels like a fake to me. but i'm getting desperate.
sorry i'm neglecting posting and commenting.
literally worked on a paper all the hours of sunday.
fasted saturday, then decided to drink, got drunk, binged while drunk, ate the next day due to a hangover and a "fuck it" attitude, then got my period.
so i'm fat. and disgusting. and i hate myself.
fruit "fasting" tomorrow. as in it's the only time they'll have fresh berries and melon for the next month at the dining center tomorrow, and i'm craving something healthy!!
trying to do under fifty calories for the rest of the week. might take that adderall i've been saving as a cheat. i just need to see a real change. the weeks before school's over are getting less and less. and then it's bikini season. and then i have to be around my family who will make me eat again. so i need to stay committed.
hope you're all doing well
got to get to schoolwork again
FASTING TODAYY!! (saturday)
and i'm actually really really excited about this.
is that weird?
i have a fake girl-crush (i am supersupersuperstraight. like the male organs too much) on some pretty blonde named amy, who apparently is in my abnormal psych class.
preparing to outline 20+ psych studies and write 6-7+ pages of my psych paper today.
time for adderall, perhaps? Perhaps.
(sense the better mood?) it sometimes strikes me as sad that a little bit of weight loss and feeling like i've got control over something and can be successful puts me in a better mood. i joined that blog 10-day weight-loss competition and so far it's going well. i ate more than i intended yesterday but was definitely still at weight loss level (~500 calories) and i dropped a few pounds (as of this morning)! By the end of today i was down to 120.5, hooray! even though that's still huge, the numbers are going down. wonderful. all i ate today was a salad (~a little bit of lettuce, a few pieces of tomato, a few edamame beans) which was probably somewhere between 25-50 calories. lovely.
at this rate, i hope to be down to my stagnant weight (116) in like five days. we'll see how that goes because i know technically my body should only burn off a half pound a day. so anything more doesn't really make sense, since even if i exercise to the max it'll probably only add like one more pound off a week. lame.
aside from that school is actually kind of stressing me out. i have a huge paper due sunday night that i've barely started, and things just seem to be piling up already and we only have six weeks left before finals (WHAT?! WHERE DID FRESHMAN YEAR GO?? give it backkk). luckily finals is two weeks long, and i'll only have two new papers to write and one to edit and resubmit. Totally doable. I could do that in like four or five days. Plus all that extra time without having classes and other work means I can go to the gym more and go to work more, because i'm in desperate need of money. I'm also looking forward to the end because our school does this huge two-day party on the green as soon as classes end where they have things like moonbounces and hire bands and everyone's just totally trashed the whole time. should be fun. then in the middle of the two weeks my a cappella group is doing recording for a cd, at some place in philly! and then after finals i have five weeks to hopefully work a little, relax a bit, and then i'm off to be a camp counselor for the last year. i'm hoping to go back at the low weight i went in at two summers ago, when i was 92 lbs. take that other skinny bitch counselors. i'll be hotter than you again.
anyway i hope all you guys are doing well and i hope the weather is nice for you (because it's 60+ degrees here!! this never happens here in march!!)
also i hope you're all doing well with your weight goals,
it's hard, definitely, but we can all do this, really,
even if you've had a bad month (or a bad couple months, years) you can start over,
that's the best part: the weight will come off again. really, it will. just knowing that is a relief. looove&luck, anastasia kirstyn
ps. here's some Kaya Scodelario thinspo. She plays Effie on the british tv drama "Skins". If you haven't heard of it or haven't seen it, GO. Watch it NOW! It's awesome, and the first series has a lovely thin ana girl named Cassie who's quirky and adorable to idolize (i'll give you some of her thinspo later). Last episode of the second series tonight! (well tomorrow for us silly americans who have to watch it on youtube or whatever tomorrow)