Tuesday, December 28, 2010

a boy

early in the fall, i found a boy.  well really, he found me, and chased me.
and i fell for him. i liked him he was special.  i even waited to sleep with him.
we had only eachother, i didn't sleep around, we talked, we started to know each other.
andthen suddenly, as the leaves started to turn, started to fall, so quickly, i lost him.  still in love with his ex, i wasn't her, she didn't want him, i wasn't enough, he couldn't do it, something.
i still miss that boy, lost something i never got a chance to really have.

ironic, that now i'm sleeping with another boy, whom last fall showed me that i had it in me, i could actually like someone, not heartless, i discovered.
he managed to touch it, and then pulled away. i liked him, but it wasn't right, i wasn't her, he couldn't do it, something like that again.
now i have him (somewhat), and real feelings are gone and it's lost and i'm lost and we really are only friends, but that's nice, for what it is, but still i'm lost, i'm insecure, unsure.
one hundred and four pounds, which used to be kind of okay and i feel humongous. early in the morning you see bones, you see thin, hours pass you feel like the biggest thing in the room you can't see it, i can't see it will i ever? does it end? girls fall to this in their teens and seven, ten years later it still defines them for themselves, they can't get rid of it, can't let go of it, don't want to, what else is there? how can i live like this forever? but how can i let go when i'm not thin enough yet? why would i let go, what good could it do me?


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