Thursday, March 25, 2010

and today i picked a daffodil

wow.  you're all so sweet and understanding.  thank you for all your supportive comments on my last post, i'm sad we all have these types of experiences, but it's a bit better to know someone else understands and doesn't judge.  also to clarify.  it's not that i don't want to cry. i just can't.  it won't happen. i wish it would. i know chances are good i'd feel a lot better.  isn't what i do just a way of getting the pain out, of trying to fix something, through food, through numbers, through straight lines etched into skin?

yesterday went really well food-wise. today not so much.
fasting tomorrow.
and have aerobics class.
i kind of just don't want to eat. just to like. have something, you know? just so i can say to myself: hey, look. you wanted to lose 25 or 30 pounds before school ended. you wanted it.  and you made it happen.  and you can do whatever you want and you can make things seem better by setting these goals and doing whatever you have to do to make them happen.
honestly just not eating. requires no physical effort. no extra decision-making. just say no and stick to it. it has been so simple in the past, i am capable of doing this. i used to be 90 pounds for god's sake! 
(ugh that knowledge hurts. anything over 102 used to be unthinkable! i didn't even think i was capable of hitting 110 and now look at me! ugh. well. get over it. move on. weight comes off. it's magical.)

aside from that, i was wondering how people feel about using adderall as an appetite suppressant.  have you done it, did it work, how hungry do you get once you stop taking it, do you like it?  i know to really be in control i should be able to just turn down food all by myself all the time, but sometimes i need a little push of food in general just seeming so entirely unappealing. i don't know.  feels like a fake to me. but i'm getting desperate.

hope you're all doing well, i'm feeling optimistic.
anastasia kirstyn


  1. Good luck with your fast!
    I'm positive you can do it.
    I was thinking about adderall, but I'm not sure how I'd buy it, as it's prescripion only. I also did a little research, and have seen that it can be addictive, so I'm a little on the fence about this at the moment. I'd love to see if anyone replies with some information!
    Stay strong honey, x

  2. hey girl! i have my secret stash of adderral that i use occasionally. i've taken it about 7 times and it is WONDERFUL. I use it more for study/performance purposes than when i'm restricting, but i, personally, have no appetite at all when i take it. i got it from my friend and its 25 mg. not only do i have no appetite, but i just have no desire to eat at all, so it's great and that lasts all day for me. also, i'm incredibly focused, so you're losing weight and getting a lot done! it's pretty much a miracle pill. however, i have never taken it multiple days in a row...mainly because i just don't have enough and i have to ration them. the only negative part is that i have a huge crash at the end of the day and usually get VERY depressed. but whatever, then i just go to sleep and it's all good.

    good luck darling!

  3. Yeah, if you can get your hands on a script, I hear it works really good. I've got Topa, and looooove having no appetite at all.

    The control is what drives ana. Obviously we want to be thin and beautiful. But bottom line the it is about control. Makes us powerful.

    xoxo zen

  4. Hi follower! I hate to spam, but I wanted to tell you that my blog birthday party continues with second giveaway. Come try your luck!

    juliet xxx