wow. you're all so sweet and understanding. thank you for all your supportive comments on my last post, i'm sad we all have these types of experiences, but it's a bit better to know someone else understands and doesn't judge. also to clarify. it's not that i don't want to cry. i just can't. it won't happen. i wish it would. i know chances are good i'd feel a lot better. isn't what i do just a way of getting the pain out, of trying to fix something, through food, through numbers, through straight lines etched into skin?
yesterday went really well food-wise. today not so much.
and have aerobics class.
i kind of just don't want to eat. just to like. have something, you know? just so i can say to myself: hey, look. you wanted to lose 25 or 30 pounds before school ended. you wanted it. and you made it happen. and you can do whatever you want and you can make things seem better by setting these goals and doing whatever you have to do to make them happen.
honestly just not eating. requires no physical effort. no extra decision-making. just say no and stick to it. it has been so simple in the past, i am capable of doing this. i used to be 90 pounds for god's sake!
(ugh that knowledge hurts. anything over 102 used to be unthinkable! i didn't even think i was capable of hitting 110 and now look at me! ugh. well. get over it. move on. weight comes off. it's magical.)
aside from that, i was wondering how people feel about using adderall as an appetite suppressant. have you done it, did it work, how hungry do you get once you stop taking it, do you like it? i know to really be in control i should be able to just turn down food all by myself all the time, but sometimes i need a little push of food in general just seeming so entirely unappealing. i don't know. feels like a fake to me. but i'm getting desperate.
hope you're all doing well, i'm feeling optimistic.