Saturday, March 6, 2010

trigger me, please

random things from today.
i'm home, for spring break.  went to see my brother play at his high school acoustic coffeehouse tonight.  twas lovely.  we had to get those silly supersticky paper bracelet things on our wrists (i suppose, one would call them wristbands...haha) and the guy who was putting mine on was so shocked at how little my wrist was.  which makes me both happy and sad.  happy because it means i have a really small bone structure (i do that whole thumb to index finger around the wrist thing and i have extra space...and i have small hands).  but sad because i feel like it's the only thin part of my body.  gross.

while driving with my mother in the car she mentioned to me she thinks my brother isn't eating right because he keeps getting sick, and when she picked him up from school once she discovered all his sandwiches from lunch in the top of his locker.  i'm sure he's eating (though he's naturally superthin), just not sandwiches, probably crap (lucky bastard).  then she decides to remember out loud how i used to not eat my sandwiches, but that she knew i threw them away so she would think i was eating.  "all i had to do was look at you to know you weren't eating".  "actually, i was.  you just didn't believe me."  and back then, i did eat (i think), and i lost one lousy pound a week.  i just got light.  what i didn't say after that was how her not believing me triggered me, made me not eat, led me to binge, HELLO BULIMIA.  thanks, mom.  not that it's her fault.  preexisting risk factors, onset brought on by specific triggers. i know, i know.
terribly, her saying that she thought i didn't eat before, and her clearly thinking i'm over all that, i've grown out of it, makes me even more motivated to not eat.  did you know there are two average ages of onset for anorexia?  age 14 and age 18.  for bulimia it's 16 (check, been there, done that, right on time)  looks like i'm right on track.  great.

whatever.  since i'm home this week it will be more difficult than usual to restrict.  but i don't care, no one can make me, and i am sick with a sore throat, so i'm using this excuse.  plus i'm huge so it's not like they think i haven't been eating (or trying).  after i get back to school i'm full-on restricting for sure.  also i signed up for an aerobics class with my friends that meets twice a week.  and i have to go because we're required PE credit at our college (almost all the students are skinny-normal here.  seriously it's moderately ridiculous.)  so that will be extra calories burnt on tuesdays and thursdays!

well i'm off, happy weekend everyone!
anastasia kirstyn


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