sorry for it being a few days, again. again very busy with schoolwork, but also fun. this past week was weird. by the end of it i got into a rut, had a very "fuck it" attitude about food, and ate for the past few days what i thought was normally or even too much. amazingly i got on the scale this morning (which took a lot of courage, i was so afraid) and I LOST WEIGHT! one little pound, I am 120.0. but i didn't even think i was restricting at all, i was eating dessert, drinking. i was sooo afraid i had gained like three. i guess i just wasn't really paying attention to the fact that i wasn't eating too much.
also, my other slight theory is that i probably burned significant amounts of calories given i was with a boy (the same one!) the past two nights. we like to go in for round two, three, four... lol. it was nice to hook up with him, E, the same guy i hooked up with twice in the beginning of the semester. he's also the last guy i hooked up with. which is such a long time for me, as i normally find someone new every weekend. partly it was because i wasn't drinking a lot for a few weeks, and just wasn't into it.
i'm starting to get a little scared now that we've hooked up like four times, because i'm not used to attachment, and i'm afraid to get attached, and things seem to be getting a little less "random hookup" and a little more sweet, intimate, caring. something. i don't know. i freaked out a bit last night when we started hooking up and sort of spilled this to him, and his sentiments are the same. he also gets around. but we're both really confused and neither of us are looking for relationships. i think we see them as unrealistic for ourselves or in our situation being that we're in college, and partly because we're afraid of them. i know he tried to date a few girls in the beginning of the year, and realized that's not what most college girls out on weekends are looking for...so he kind of got defeated. but he told me last night that where he's from (italy. so jealous) that's all people do. they date, have relationships, no random hookups. so it's different but he totally 180-ed. I don't know. things are weird. on friday he wasn't even drunk at all and still wanted me, it wasn't just random sloppy drunk running into each other kind of thing. i don't know. it's really confusing. especially because last night he stayed, we fell asleep, and then by like early in the morning he was like 'my back really hurts on your mattress...would it be ok if i left? like are you okay with that?". when he normally just leaves after like 20 minutes of just lying there, not asking, just saying he's going to go. it's weird. it's like we must care about each other on some level. it just feels like it.
ugh. whatever. i think i'll be better if we either keep hooking up or don't, but nothing more. i'm a mess.
aside from the sexcapades, this weekend was lovely because i just read a novel basically all these past two days, for my lit class, and it's really good and feels like reading for fun! so nicee. also the show at our college's basement space was amazing, so many amazing indie bands. the best show of the year, i think. also E showed me this neat little alcove outside the window of the basement that fits like 10 people if you squish, because they weren't letting us smoke inside on friday. it was kind of amazing. anyway. today eating was good, probably under 400 calories. i'm going to try really hard this week, i want to keep losing, at least three or four pounds a week until i'm happy. i have five weeks until finals. i would love to be 101-106 by then. i'd finally be at the same weight as last year, when i only moderately hated myself.
also, it's almost april! spring! and new beginnings!
<3 anastasia kirstyn
(my weekend: skinny boy, champagne, &cigarettes)