Sunday, May 30, 2010

here, at least today

hi girls,

i'm here. at least today

i'm alive. breathing.  at least.
i lost three pounds. at least.  i checked yesterday. i was 120. i haven't really eaten all week. i drank a little these past two nights though so who knows. i'm staying at people's apartments. i hope i've gone down.  i have stomach pains in the worst way. i hope i've lost more.

i'm not really happy.  i'm sorry to post something so depressing.

i'm still messing around with the same guy.  and i know it's fucking me up.  when he wants me, i'm really fucking happy, and when he suddenly isn't interested one night (ie, tonight) i'm so low.  it's disgusting.  i wish i could change.  i wish someone just loved me.  one hundred percent of the time.  i hate myself.  the only thing i can count on is losing weight.  even if i keep drinking on weekends (3-5 shots max, which will still amount to a loss for the day) i won't eat.  i don't want to.  losing is the only thing i can do for myself.  even if i'm tired.  even if i have to curl into a ball and practically scream because the pain is so much, i don't care.  it's the only thing i can do to matter to myself.  i work fucking eight hours a day, just to pay for car insurance, and living expenses.  and i just want to be thin.  that's the only reward i can get.  this is my life, this is what i can control, i can finally take a look at my body and say, okay, we've improved, i'm not a huge cow any more (i hope i'll feel that way, at 99 lbs, 93 lbs).

i love you all and i'm sorry i keep disappearing i'm just going through a lot of shit and keep getting depressed and unable to deal with anything and even accept that i'm doing this to myself.  but i'm really really low tonight and i needed to at least let you all know i'm here, you're wonderful, and not alone, not ever, i love you, really.  we're all here for each other.

love&luck, hope, happiness, i hope it comes to you
anastasia kirstyn


  1. i hope you feel better soon lovely.

    just remember that you're worth it.

  2. I am so fricken glad to hear from you! So sorry you are depressed girl!
    Dammit! Gotta find a way out of this funk. It is possible to turn things around. You already know that.
    You are so lovely. You need to start being good to yourself.
    That may begin with ignoring his calls. I know haw hard that may be at first, but you will feel stronger as a result.
    I love you girlie... keep us updated as much as possible.
    xoxo zen