i'm here. at least today
i'm alive. breathing. at least.
i lost three pounds. at least. i checked yesterday. i was 120. i haven't really eaten all week. i drank a little these past two nights though so who knows. i'm staying at people's apartments. i hope i've gone down. i have stomach pains in the worst way. i hope i've lost more.
i'm not really happy. i'm sorry to post something so depressing.
i'm still messing around with the same guy. and i know it's fucking me up. when he wants me, i'm really fucking happy, and when he suddenly isn't interested one night (ie, tonight) i'm so low. it's disgusting. i wish i could change. i wish someone just loved me. one hundred percent of the time. i hate myself. the only thing i can count on is losing weight. even if i keep drinking on weekends (3-5 shots max, which will still amount to a loss for the day) i won't eat. i don't want to. losing is the only thing i can do for myself. even if i'm tired. even if i have to curl into a ball and practically scream because the pain is so much, i don't care. it's the only thing i can do to matter to myself. i work fucking eight hours a day, just to pay for car insurance, and living expenses. and i just want to be thin. that's the only reward i can get. this is my life, this is what i can control, i can finally take a look at my body and say, okay, we've improved, i'm not a huge cow any more (i hope i'll feel that way, at 99 lbs, 93 lbs).
i love you all and i'm sorry i keep disappearing i'm just going through a lot of shit and keep getting depressed and unable to deal with anything and even accept that i'm doing this to myself. but i'm really really low tonight and i needed to at least let you all know i'm here, you're wonderful, and not alone, not ever, i love you, really. we're all here for each other.
love&luck, hope, happiness, i hope it comes to you