I LOVE YOU GIRLS.

quick post cause i've been thinking about you all a lot.

i'm currently writing a paper for my abnormal psychology class

and the topic is the pro-ana movement on the internet.

(yes yes i picked it i can't help that i'm obsessed with this mess that is whatever i have)

but in reading these studies, some of which have quotes from websites that girls like us have used,

i just felt again an overwhelming sense of support and compassion and empathy coming from them,

and it makes me again feel so grateful to be part of such a supportive and wonderful community.

you girls are all amazing, and all working hard at figuring things out for yourselves, and supporting each other in whatever is happening.  you have all made such a difference in making me feel better about myself and less alone.  i love you all.

also amazing thanks to Alice for the sunshine award! just more proof that you ladies are amazing and reaching out to each other has really helped a lot of us.
i've thanked her here.  [elusively]  given my tumblr is open to my realworldfriends.
&i'll be giving out my own awards when i have more time.

i unfortunately really am amazingly busy and stressed out. as this paper is supposed to be 10 pages and it's due in two days, alongside a 16page essay exam, and another 4page essay.  i promise i'll be much more present after these next two weeks are over (end of classes)

a few more brief things i suppose, though.  since you want updates&isuddenly want to procrastinate to update you (!)
my weight and eating habits have been bouncing during my absences.  i'll have a few good days, a few bad days.  a few good exercise days in a row, a few days where i have zero time, &am probably stress eating for flavor since there is a lack of interesting things beside coursework in my life.  my weight is sadly not 120 like it says, it's 123 :(  back to my highest.  but i took adderall tonight (actually for studying purposes, ick) which has the added bonuses of me not needing sleep and losing my appetite.  i might even take another tomorrow depending on the workload, because i doubt i'll finish it all before the effects run out and i crash.  just keep the high going!  haha.  also through the sneaky tricks of a fellow blogger i've figured out i can order generic topamax (topiramate?) online through sketchy, non-prescription-necessary international pharmacy websites.  it's used for a variety of things but helps with weightloss and is prescribed for binge-eating disorder. [visit Lola for some more info on side effects&risks]  it'd be great if i could stop those binges and actually keep weight off for once (my 'purging' methods of intense restriction periods have gotten fewer and farther between, ugh.  though my weight's been pretty stable.  no loss.)  we'll see if they come ( in 10-21 days! ah!) and if they actually work, or if they're fake or something.  also it's only 25 mg (whereas the lovely 20-lb-loss-in-one-month Zen is on 400 mg/day) but that's because that's all they sell, and i am kind of poor, so at ~$1 a tablet i can afford 30 of them as a trial in case it's a scam or something.  maybe i'll take two a day so i'll be at 50 mg. don't know.  we'll see how it goes.
wow. that was tons of logistical rambling.  it's the adderall, sorry (!)  making me talkative even on the internet, goodness!
although it's also because i miss you guys, and i figure i'll be up all hours for the next day so i'll have time.

oh fuck. this is going to be a long one, isn't it?  (so be it).
here we go then.  got rid of the boy i'd been screwing regularly.  it got weird, and was hurting me (as you can see in my recent posts), because i was attached without liking him.  and i think he was moderately attached, but less than i was.  it's fine now though.  i didn't hang out with him last weekend and barely saw him all week, but then this week i've run into him a few times and we're totally fine and friendly, which is PERFECT-exactly what i want.  i hate post-fuck-buddy awkwardness.  it's GREAT.

also i found out some things about this other guy i hooked up with before this last one, J. (i know i've gone through a lot of boys so if you don't follow, don't worry).  this one i hooked up with before winter break, and we had to use plan b, and it was complicated.  but i thought we were fine because we hooked up again at the beginning of this semester, but then after two weeks he spazzed and wouldn't look at me.  it clearly bothered me, but i let it go to the weirdness of guys.  however, a few weeks ago my guy friend who lives on his hall was talking with me, and realized that i had been the one J had the whole plan b thing happen with, and told me that J was actually really freaked out and scared, and that's probably why he pushed away.  i feel bad, since i wasn't really worried, i have lots of faith in that stuff (haha).  but we're also fine now and he's been saying hi to me a lot.    oh silly boys.

so anyway.  doubt you'll read all that.  but you asked for an update, so you got one!  there's still more but i should definitely write my paper (6.5 hours before i have to go to class,work,AEROBICS,&filmingstuff until 9pm. ohgodohgod.notenoughtime)

ok. onto work.  also.  texting buddies in the US.  i'd love you right now to keep me on track with the eating!  let me know!

again-

i really do LOVE you girls.

STAY STRONG.

&thank you for being there for me, and each other

you're the best, and have made so much of a difference for me

<3 love&luck,

anastasia kirstyn

ps. another plug for my [tumblr]
i'd love it if you followed, &if you have one, let me know, i'd love to follow you
it's a little less time consuming than this blog, fewer words/real experiences, more photos/quotes
&therefore my newest quick artsy fix
consider joining if you don't have one, it's a nice outlet