i've never been able to cry about my own tragedies

yesterday (which was three hours ago, true) i said that the day was interesting. having finished the day, it was actually confusing and sad and lonely.


i felt attacked by one of my best friends, who lashed out saying i was being really negative to the ideas of our other friend to go to chinatown. i told her i didn't think chinatown was at the spot she was referring to. and that the chinese bakery would probably be closed at night. i didn't think i was being negative, simply realistic and unenthusiastic. my friend later told me she felt attacked by me, because i was shooting down her ideas. i felt strangely overburdened with sadness, left her room, and walked to my own room, sat down at my desk, and cried.  it was the strangest thing. i never cry about my own life. ever. i hate that about myself.  also if i ever do cry, like yesterday, i'm never exactly sure what i'm crying about.  it was so weird. it wasn't really about the chinatown exchange.  i just felt alone, i think.


yesterday i felt the most depressed i've felt in a really long time. i could actually feel a physical weight pressing down on my chest.  like how it's described in my abnormal psych textbook.  i've never felt that. i've been cutting my arms for months, but yesterday i felt so sad, and i didn't-i cried.  it's sad but it's a pivotal moment for me.  i've been dealing with this issue since november where i was afraid i was raped, because i woke up somewhere i'd never been, knew i had had sex, and didn't remember anything.  i lost eight hours of my life. they're gone.  something took them from me, and i can never get them back.  this week the detective closed my case, saying there was not enough evidence to pursue it any longer.  the guy came forward.  he goes to another college around here.  he told them everything he remembers, and it appears it was consensual at the time, but i remember nothing.  i got to the hospital too late for there to be any trace of drugs (such as roofies) in my system, so i will never know what happened.  the not knowing is what kills me.  i've struggled for control over my life forever, and this part has just been taken from me.  if the boy ever sees me again, he will know who i am.  if i see him, i will have no idea.  
               i never cried about it.  i just couldn't. everyone else i know cried for me.  i couldn't do it.  i just felt sad.  when i was first told there was a chance i had been conscious, that it was just my normal one-night stand, i couldn't handle it.  that's the first time i ever cut myself.  i couldn't even think.  i was just shaking, and i just reacted.  sliced my arm open.  it looks like a mess right now, i don't know how it got so bad, so frequent.  not deep, just always there, always a new line.


this week, was lonely.  my life, has been lonely.  i have sex with someone new almost every weekend, and i've never felt more alone.  i like the sex, truly, but for some reason i can't even begin to start a real connection with even a boy, friend.  no one intrigues me.  i feel like i'm going to go through my whole life without falling in love with anyone.  perhaps that's irrational.  i love the idea of love, i love love stories, i cry for love stories.  i have none of my own.  fuck buddies, that's it.  so casual.  another irrational fear?  i'm afraid i'm infertile.  i love kids.  i would make a good mother.  but for some reason, i just have this foreboding sense i that i won't be able to have my own.  it's dumb, i know, but it's real.


i had two crackers around 2 am this morning.  that starts my day's calorie count at 35.  i want to get drunk tonight, and have sex with the same guy i've slept with the past two weekends.  he's nice, it's really fun, lighthearted, and we've become friends.  we live in the same building, and we walked home together tonight, after i felt like i was going to pass out or throw up.  it's my own fault, i smoked too many cigarettes too fast without realizing it, and that makes me physically ill.  add to that my low food intake, i'm a huge warning sign for passing out.  my body does it from simple dehydration or exhaustion.


i hope today will be better, i hope your todays were okay, and, if not, i hope they will be better,
anastasia kirstyn

(it appears we have a few things in common, except that my hair is brown)