right now i smell of cigarettes. and laundry soap of some other person who must have worn/washed my sweater. tonight was beautiful to me.
i decided for the first time in a month to drink (i've been trying to avoid empty calories) and it's been a serious commitment but tonight i kind of just wanted to let loose a little. it was perfect, and now i think this good feeling can sustain me for the next month. i'm trying to do a five-week serious restriction plan to get down to my ultimate goal. when i think about how short five weeks is, i feel like i can do it. yesterday went really well, i haven't gained back as much as i was afraid of. today eating was bad because i drank and lost inhibition so i ate when i was drunk. another reason not to do it for a while.
tonight was beautiful because i really enjoyed my friends, and i hung around with this girl in my lit and french class i really like; honestly i find her beautiful and captivating. and she is. and so passionate (english major). the strangest part is, i think that, but she's not thin. like not ideal thin the way we crazies look at it. she's average but she has the most beautiful face, and, it must be her personality or something about her air. i kind of love her. anyway. i also loved tonight because i was in a version of drunkenness where i just felt sort of ethereal and like i was floating amidst the masses. went to one of those weekly concerts in our college's basement space. people everywhere. a wonderful band played that was just kind of mellow and i think brought the entire crowd down in a lovely sort of lulling way. i'm having difficulty describing it but it was kind of magical. i was even all stuck in my own head the way i always am when intoxicated. or all the time really, i suppose that's just me. my two best friends here, they get drunk and they're sort of a package deal. they get all giggly and crazy together. which is great for them, and there i am, always, keeping up the composure, even though i feel differently on the inside. i suppose that's how i always am, really. i seem fine, or moderately so, at least, normal, to everyone around me but if they saw inside my head they'd know just how out of it i really am. seems that's just me, then. drunk or not. there's always that disconnect.
my friends looked at two girls on my hall tonight. gawking at the skinnies. but saying they just thought they're sick-looking (and no they don't have EDs at all, you can tell. carefree, beer-drinking, dessert-eating skinny bitches. really skinny.) i just thought to myself how funny it was, because they are my ideal. perfection.
sorry, sleep is overtaking me. bedtime. more later lovelies.
also thank you for the beautiful comments.
it makes me feel so amazing to know you feel the same, that you want to keep my words and read them, because we share this experience. it kind of sucks we're all going through it, but it's a bit of a light to feel not so alone.