i don't think i've ever felt this defeated from a binge ever. honestly. i never want to binge again. i'm heartbroken. and we all know. binges are hardly enjoyable. and that was a real one. not like an "oh i'm eating more than usual for a few days blahblahblah", like a straight-outta-the-textbook definition of a binge: eating abnormal amounts of food uncontrollably in under a two-hour period of time. i'd say it was fifteen minutes. it was tortilla chips and salsa, crackers, and fucking valentine's candy.
i thought about it, however.
and, caloriewise, i should only gain like a pound of real weight back, unless my metabolism is totally shut down. i kind of doubt it with how quick the weight's been coming off though.
gonna try to go to the gym at least three times this week. obviously, fasting for the next two days. then reevaluating whether i should keep fasting or not, but not stepping above 100 calories at all for the next five days. i did this last week, and it worked fabulously. it's making me feel better.
also. things to make me happier. today my friend's sister (whom i just met) told her that she thought i was the cutest person ever, that my face was supercute. how nice.
on friday, one my friends from school (a brutally, yet genuinely honest one) told me (out of nowhere) that she absolutely thinks i'm hot. which is nice to hear, even if i don't believe it myself. she was serious. that's her logic for half the reason i get so many guys.
also i got a message from my mom on fb today: "Kirstyn. [she calls me that] Do you remember me? Once we laid on the lawn and found ourselves in the clouds. And now you are in college... And sometimes I miss you." Heartbreaking? Absolutely. But so sweet. It makes me feel bad for how distant we had to become because of my eating issues. it's a big deal to her. so i've had to lie a lot.
anyway, i'm sad. and i feel like i've let you down. but that's why these next few days are fasting days. i threw out the rest of the candy (magically, i didn't eat it all!) and i'm walking to cvs tomorrow to stock up on calorie-free flavored water, and then going to the gym. i'm back in control.
love&more luck than i just had,
anastasia kirstyn
