mind flitterings

today i told my friend i'm giving up chips for three weeks. "are you going to start eating real food to make up for that?"  oh, so you've noticed.  and the other day, my other friend "yeah but you never eat anyway," and another "yeah all you eat is celery and lettuce".  i wonder what they'll say as the weight keeps coming off.  the weight isn't noticeable yet.  i wonder if i can keep this up, and get down to 100 or less by spring break (17 days.  17 days of minimal eating.  if the weight loss keeps going at the rate it was, and i'm successful, i should be able to).  my best friend at home will notice, last time she said to me "really though? switching out the anorexia for cutting? it doesn't help. you should stop."  well look now, i've fallen back to my old ways, with more success than before.  sorry.


i'm mostly trying to lose so fast so i can already be thinner when i see my mother again, so she'll think i lost the weight healthily over a period of seven weeks, instead of three or four.  she's not naive, she'll suspect it.  but she can't prove anything anymore.  and i'll just have hit underweight level, so she really can't force anything on me.  maybe i'll only go home for a few days, come back to school early, so i won't be forced to eat.  maybe i'll just "go out to eat with my friends" all week long.  i have a feeling she'll be watching me a lot.  i will not let her pressure force me to gain anything.  


but, that's 17 days away, right now i just need to focus on losing.  the fasting today is going well.  six hours and twenty minutes to go (not that i'm going to eat at midnight, it's just symbolic.)  i have nothing here to binge on.  i'm skipping dinner.  i sat in my other psych class earlier today, smelling the overpowering scent of pizza and fries that a few people had brought from lunch as take-out.  i did not go to the dining center after.  i drank a diet soda.  also the boy in front of me spent a good ten minutes disgustingly chewing off piece after piece of a huge carrot stick.  even though it was a vegetable, just his eating made me so sick, so distracted.  i don't want food today.


today the lecture in abnormal psychology was on anorexia.  my professor tried to shock us with "i once had a patient who only ate 300 calories a day".  hilarious, professor, my goal is under 100.  today, it's zero.  will you notice, in a month? or are the 35 students in the class just too many to see us?  i've been sitting in the front row.  perhaps i'll move to the back.  continue to keep my coat on for the entire lecture. what can you do anyway, i'm eighteen.


time for a nap (not eating actually does make me exhausted, yet makes it really hard for me to get to sleep at night) and more virginia woolf.  i've been reading all your blogs incessantly, in my free time: they're reassuring, and inspiring, we're not alone, stay strong.


love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn