i can't not be thin anymore, i just can't handle it

i've basically failed over and over again lately.
and today i failed, but not as badly as i have been.
luckily it is a new month. a fresh start.  i just don't think i can handle not being thin any more.  i hate myself, i avoid the mirror, i don't feel comfortable in my own skin.  i haven't been able to bring myself to step on the scale for a few days, i'm so afraid of what it will say.

so the plan is 100 calories tops a day for today through friday.
continued restriction as best as possible but nothing over 500 calories for the week that i'm home.
(saturday i have to go home for spring break) and i'm afraid because my family will want me to/expect me to eat.  but i'm going to try and work the "being sick" excuse out for as long as possible and then the "going out to dinner with friends" excuse.  my mother is still continually bothered by my eating habits, she knows they're moderately messed up, and sometimes she freaks out.  but i remember recently hearing her say to my stepdad something like "i don't care anymore if she wants to be unhealthy let her do it!"  probably just a moment of frustration but whatever.  it's just one week, she can't make me do anything.

i think i've been having a lot of trouble truly realising and accepting the fact that i definitely became briefly anorexic and then bulimic two years ago.  i never really looked at it that way, and the fact that i didn't realise it for so long is kind of freaking me out. a lot.  also i'm at the point where i could never talk to anyone about it, because i'm not thin enough yet.  and admitted this has bothered me, affected me, would mean something crazier like 'recovery' or just general 'therapy', which i'm not about to do.  especially if i'm not underweight.  sigh.  i really am fucked up.

i hope you're all doing better than me, and are taking this new month as a fresh start as well,
love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn