lost

friday night. got too drunk, didn't want to be so drunk. was too clingy with the boy. said so many things i wish i hadn't said, things i don't remember. i think i scared him away.
i got attached. attached to having the same body to sleep with, the same arms wrapped around me.
i don't like it. no more of that boy for me.     late saturday night i walked by his room, empty, i'm sure he found some other girl to be with that night.

friday we slept together. fell asleep quicklyiwassodrunk. woke up at fiveish. he left.  he didn't care. i cut myself. again and again and still didn't feel any better.
saturday got drunk again, better this time. was with friends. danced all night.  parted ways with them, smoked cigs sitting in beach chairs on the third floor fire escape steps with two guys from my hall while they had shared a bong (i hate weed, makes me anxious, too much in my own head).
then. they just left. went inside.   i just wandered. down to the ground.  back of the building, there are these really cool steps in the back, stone, with big ledges to sit and lean.
probably smoked like six cigarettes quickly.  alone.  found a safety pin on my skirt, started scratching up my thighs again.     oh right, i remember now, my best friend saw all those lines on my thighs when we went to the bathroom together saturday.  she wasn't drunk.  she remembers.  she thought i was doing okay, that it was in the past, because all she'd seen were my arms, healing.
went inside. found a guy i'm friends with.  he smoked a cig outside with me.  i just wanted a shoulder to lean on.  he gave it, but i could tell he didn't really want to.  wasn't totally comfortable.  went inside.  up to bed, supposedly.
cut myself some more.  i just can't seem to stop.  my thighs hurt when i bend my legs up now, i like that. masochistic, it seems.

and i can't seem to stay happy.  i'll go out, have a good time (alcohol necessary for that part), but that's short distraction.  i'm so unhappy, so much of the time.
laid around all day wishing i could do coursework.  i just couldn't do anything.  i didn't do anything.
my family decided to come take me to dinner because it's easter and i miss them, they're only forty minutes away from my school.  it was nice to see them, but again, once they left, here i am again, feeling empty.

i don't know what's wrong with me.  is this the start of depression?  why?  where is it coming from? i find myself all the time just saying "go away, go away, go away" to whatever this feeling is that i can't name and can't find a source of.  i don't know what's wrong.  i don't know why i'm not happy.  i don't know what to do.  i don't want to do anything.  essay, readings due tomorrow. 1:45 am, haven't started.  can't see myself writing anything with quality.

i just want it to go away. go away. go away.
-anastasia kirstyn

ps. i made a tumblr. it's not going to be superthinspo-y, my real friends are reading it, and they can't know about this blog.  it will definitely involve beautiful thin people though.  if you want the link, comment with your email or something, i'll give it to you.  too afraid people will find it.

love you all though, really.