sunlight in the afternoon

yes, it's only 4:15 pm. but i don't feel like starting work.  i've been searching around to find out what's the cheapest way for me to get cases of bottled water delivered to me at school.  it's proving more difficult than i imagined.


fasting again today.  tried to c&s a couple crackers. did it with one.  decided i didn't want them at all.  magic.  i suppose i figure if i don't allow myself to eat all the binge-triggering foods (french fries, pizza) then it's like i don't really want anything at all.  maybe i'll eat a few slices of grapefruit late tonight though?  i haven't decided.  i'm running out of kool-aid packets.


my friends and i are going into philly on saturday, i get a free check-in to see if my back piercings are healing correctly.  we're also going to see that movie, Valentine's Day, and do dinner for my friend's birthday.  i'm not worried though, being vegetarian always allows me to just order a salad "with dressing on the side" (aka dry because i won't use it).  the way i'm looking at it now is: the food will always be there later.  our DC menu repeats every six weeks.  just because i can't have the food today, doesn't mean that sometime in the distant future it won't be there. it will always be there.  it's just not for me right now. fine. i can handle that. and i will be skinny.
to be entirely honest, i'm pretty sick of philadelphia.  i've lived right outside of it my whole life, and it's just getting tiresome.  i need a new city.  i think after i graduate i might move to california.  i hate the cold.


well i suppose i'll leave you with that, maybe i'll update on how the rest of the day went later.  haha, sidenote, i love how i follow people, and some people follow me, who live in like the uk and such.  you're all finished with your successful days turning down food, while i'm still in the middle of mine.  and people on the west coast are three hours behind me.  time is such a funny thing in that way.  anyway, off to read some social cognition study, some more virginia woolf, and abnormal psych on depression and suicide, yay!


love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

(if only it was warmer!)

fast.

today, i fasted.  for the first time (on purpose) for ages.  drank tons of 0-cal koolaid spruced up water.
it is now 12:00 am, and i have made it.
cool.  i still feel fat from the three days of actual eating i did out of the past eight, but that means four days of under 450, which is better than i've done for a while.  i'm now continuing through the weekend with a (hopefully) 50-cal max per day, allowing myself to hit 100 cals if it's a really hard day.  haven't decided if i'm drinking on saturday night or not...it can add up (normally only 500-cals max though, if i haven't eaten all day), especially given i'm still making up for those three bad days.  i'm thinking maybe i won't this weekend.
maybe i'll fast again friday or something. i think tomorrow i'm going to have a little something for flavor. i wonder how well c&s-ing works on not absorbing calories?

news! i don't know if you've heard, but the APA (American Psychological Association) is working on editing criteria for disorders for the new version of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel of Mental Disorders), the DSM-V, and today announced new criteria for eating disorders.  Surprise, surprise, now you can be anorexic and still get your period! (before you weren't classified as anorexic even if you met all the other criteria)  That was a long time coming, lame.  also they're adding binge-eating disorder.  bulimia's staying relatively the same, it appears, but that one's the most common anyway.

other things i've been learning since i just read the eating disorders section of my textbook.  PURGING ONLY RESULTS IN GETTING RID OF ABOUT HALF THE CALORIES CONSUMED.  so the other day, after i binged at lunch and went to that psych class, with super-ultra-high anxiety just dying to go to the bathroom and throw it up, i still couldn't bring myself to do it.  i've tried before unsuccessfully, and now i feel better, because i know that purging starts a really bad cycle where you feel like bingeing won't lead to gain, and maybe you'll lose.  chances are you won't.  better to restrict.  i'm fine with that.  my own form of purging is restriction (which, i believe actually makes you meet the bulimia criteria, rather than EDNOS...although i don't think my binges are as bad as the DSM requires them to be: massive amounts of food in under 2 hours...well, actually, maybe they are...haha).

anyway.  i didn't eat today, and i'm sticking this out, and not budging in upping my calories until monday where i'll allow myself 200, and no more than that until i hit at least 113, which was my end goal for this friday, which i probably won't hit by then, now.

so, it's back to reading for me, because it's unclear whether my class tomorrow is canceled or not (thanks, professor for emailing me back).  today actually also kind of sucked, despite having no class, because i didn't even leave the building, and just slowly slowly slowly dragged by in my reading. it was boring. also tomorrow i have to go to the DC to pick up some more equal packets, and i'm thinking maybe some celery.  i kind of hope i do have class, just to get my lazy butt up!


love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

(oh my god the shoes, the shoes!!!)