Tuesday, January 19, 2010

back at school, back to me, whatever that may be

hi girls (and guys but right now my followers are girls),

I'm back. Sorry it's been a while but I was on winter break from school and like i said i can't hide it from my mom very well, let alone my best friend. so i didn't lose any weight cause i decided not to try. i'm back at school and back in the swing of what i want. updates? i've now fucked thirteen guys, i'm fucking the same guy at school as i was before, and i like the consistency. we talk a little after. maybe we'll fuck during the day, it's my goal. so i started smoking cigs since break started. all my friends from home do, and now i just like it. also right before break i started cutting (with safety pins), and it's gotten pretty bad and kind of out of control. i told my best friend and my guy friend who has been through depression and gets where i am and understands we all have to deal with shit in the ways we can. i know my friends at school will notice.  i got sloppy and when i'm drunk i just can't stop or can't help it. it seems all a bit tied to guys. if i get denied a hookup i cut a lot cause i feel bad, if i do fuck someone i still do it cause i like it. i want to see blood red, i want to feel something. it's weird and very different from how i've ever been. now i'm starving again. again, i like it. cigs, sex, slices (i've demolishedd my left arm, truthfully), starvation. it's okay. i'll figure it out, it's just taking time, and it's new territory. kate says it won't help. the cutting. she's probably right, but it's just something i need to do right now while i try and figure out why i keep doing it. it's not stopping, i'm not, even though i told her i would, that i was trying. i'm not. right after i told her i went to the bathroom and cut up my arm even more. i don't know any more.   i'm sure some of you have been there and if you haven't, i hope you don't get there. it came out of nowhere, i thought this shit was a middle school thing; apparently not. okaywell. i have class in the morning and i'm working on five hours of sleep so i should go to bed. lots of love, more updates when i can.

feel better, i know you/i/we will,
love always,
anastasia kirstyn

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