Let's compete.

So my superskinny guy friend from home (he's still a senior in high school) told me he can't visit me at school this month because during his free week (when the rest of the seniors are on senior trip at disneyworld, and he chose to save money and stay home) he will be participating in a sort of "biggest loser" competition with another friend.  They're basically running, going to the gym together blah blah all week.  not like he needs it.  Whatever.  And today I was reading The Skinny Waste and she mentioned A COMPETITION (!!) a fellow blogger has started at her blog Miss Burton In Wonderland.  10 days.  Post current stats, and daily stats, and a goal for the end of the 10 days.  Granted I always feel at a disadvantage in these things as a result of being short and therefor my body burning fewer calories on its own and during exercise and such.  So i'm just trying to set a goal for myself, and hopefully my body will follow suit.

Guess it's time to own up then, I've ballooned up to 123 lbs.  Which is disgusting and is horribly, a new high weight. :(  I'm super disappointed but i guess i should have expected it after eating horribly and drinking all of spring break.  But now i'm even more committed especially because i'll have to report everyday and look at everyone else's progress!  Sounds great.

I went to my first aerobics class today, which was good but i hadn't eaten all day and hadn't drank much water so i started to feel faint after about a half hour and had to sit for a few minutes (silly me, i know i always pass out when i'm dehydrated.  even if i'm not exercising!).  but i got back up and it was great.  apparently my abdominal muscles aren't completely gone even though i stopped working those out months ago, and my leg muscles are there too, just grossly covered by fat.  I can't stop staring at the pictures of my friends and i on my walls when i was 100 pounds, 95 pounds, etc.  I look so much better. I'm going to do it!  Also I have about nine and half weeks of school left where no one can force me to eat and i have free (well, truly, paid for in tuition i suppose) gym access.  Might as well use it to my advantage.  Even if i only lose a measly 3-4 pounds each week i'll be back down to the double digits by the time i leave for summer vacation.  and that would be perfect.  TIME TO GET SERIOUS AGAIN.  eating today went okay actually, even though i did have dinner because i felt sick and truly afraid i would pass out, it was much better than these binge-filled days.  I am back on track.  I hope you all feel that way too!

Also a reallyyy reallyy huge thanks to Ella, who commented on my last post.  Hearing that i was your thinspiration made me feel so good, and your confidence in me is so helpful.  It made me realize I CAN do this, i've done it before, and it got so easy with a little bit of time.  It's so great to know that people are reading and trying too, and inspiring each other.  THANK YOU!

love&lotsofluckladies,

thinking thin, thin, thinner,

<3 anastasia kirstyn

AHH

i'm depressed and fat (gained weight over spring break, great)
and can't stop fucking this up by eating at the end of the day
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??

going to meals with my friends keeps messing me up.  making me think it's okay to eat.
iwillnotgotomealsfortherestoftheweek.iwillnotgotomealsthisweek.iwillnotgotomealsthisweek.
ahhhhh!

mm willa holland

hey all,

    don't have much to say.  my superstrict plan starts tomorrow (well today i guess, given the time), since i'll be back at school.  i'm not going into details out of fear i'll jinx it, but i'm committed.  i have to drop all this weight by the end of the semester, otherwise it'll be much harder to hide eating habits once i'm home.

leaving you with a little willa holland thinspo.  she played kaitlyn cooper on the OC (lovee).  also she's got a gorgeous face.

love&luck,

anastasia kirstyn

there are so many of us scattered around

sorry it's been a little bit.  i went down the shore with my two friends for a few days.  couldn't really post on this.

got drunk every night.  two nights ago my friend Car and i got to talking.  she saw the lines on my arms, told me how she used to do that.  how she almost tried to kill herself.  lying on the ground, knife aimed at her heart.  i've never wanted to end it all like that, but we had people over that night and i guess i was flirting with some guy a bit, cause that's how i always am when i'm drunk, even if i want nothing from it, and my other friend just comes up to me and says in my ear "he's not into it, okay?".
so then i found something sharp, and cut up the skin on my thighs again.  it had been a while, really, i thought i was done with it.  apparently rejection or feeling unwanted is what makes me most want to do it.  rejection's hard for me.  i normally get any guy i want.

so car and i talked, and then we got to talking about our eating disorders, cause we both have them.  she used to be anorexic, and she over exercised like crazy, and then she just became bulimic.  i didn't know this, but she still is now.  throws up two or three times a day sometimes.  it was really different but nice to get to talk to someone who's been there, and is kind of in the same place right now.  not someone who's going to try to tell me to stop, because she's in it right now too.  not that you all aren't amazing, reading your blogs and getting comments is so helpful.  it was just nice to know that one of my best friends knows exactly how it's going for me, but isn't going to tell me to stop.  my two other best friends (the four of us hang out together) have had/sometimes still have eating issues too, but they always always always get mad and tell me to stop.  i told her car i'd been successfully losing and wanted to keep going, and she just said "of course. we're always trying. always."

sometimes i wonder if this will ever go away.  and then i wonder if i want it to.  i don't.  at least not right now.

i made new rules.  in essence it's no day over 500 calories.  i want to hit the double digits.  and really, really want to hit 90 pounds before the spring semester ends and it will get more complicated around people to restrict.  that gives me approximately nine weeks.  to lose somewhere between 20 and 30 pounds.  i think.  if i go really minimal on the eating (like under 100 calories a day), that it's totally possible.  i think at the smallest loss, it would be three pounds a week.  but it will probably be more, especially in the beginning, and more with exercise.  also i'm going to start trying to buy adderall more often (even though i'm basically broke), like for the weekends and stuff so i don't have to drink but can have some sort of change, and there's the added bonus of it suppressing your appetite.  also i'm afraid of any harder drugs, and my friends at my college don't really do anything like that.  weed makes you hungry.  plus i don't like it.


well, loves, i hope you're all doing really well,
sorry it's been a few days, comment or something, and i'll start commenting again because i feel like i've disconnected from you,
and to the couple of you i've been following who have just stopped their blogs, maybe for the hope of something better than this life, i wish you lots of luck and strength, i hope all goes well,
lovelovelove&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

trigger me, please

random things from today.
i'm home, for spring break.  went to see my brother play at his high school acoustic coffeehouse tonight.  twas lovely.  we had to get those silly supersticky paper bracelet things on our wrists (i suppose, one would call them wristbands...haha) and the guy who was putting mine on was so shocked at how little my wrist was.  which makes me both happy and sad.  happy because it means i have a really small bone structure (i do that whole thumb to index finger around the wrist thing and i have extra space...and i have small hands).  but sad because i feel like it's the only thin part of my body.  gross.

while driving with my mother in the car she mentioned to me she thinks my brother isn't eating right because he keeps getting sick, and when she picked him up from school once she discovered all his sandwiches from lunch in the top of his locker.  i'm sure he's eating (though he's naturally superthin), just not sandwiches, probably crap (lucky bastard).  then she decides to remember out loud how i used to not eat my sandwiches, but that she knew i threw them away so she would think i was eating.  "all i had to do was look at you to know you weren't eating".  "actually, i was.  you just didn't believe me."  and back then, i did eat (i think), and i lost one lousy pound a week.  i just got light.  what i didn't say after that was how her not believing me triggered me, made me not eat, led me to binge, HELLO BULIMIA.  thanks, mom.  not that it's her fault.  preexisting risk factors, onset brought on by specific triggers. i know, i know.
terribly, her saying that she thought i didn't eat before, and her clearly thinking i'm over all that, i've grown out of it, makes me even more motivated to not eat.  did you know there are two average ages of onset for anorexia?  age 14 and age 18.  for bulimia it's 16 (check, been there, done that, right on time)  looks like i'm right on track.  great.

whatever.  since i'm home this week it will be more difficult than usual to restrict.  but i don't care, no one can make me, and i am sick with a sore throat, so i'm using this excuse.  plus i'm huge so it's not like they think i haven't been eating (or trying).  after i get back to school i'm full-on restricting for sure.  also i signed up for an aerobics class with my friends that meets twice a week.  and i have to go because we're required PE credit at our college (almost all the students are skinny-normal here.  seriously it's moderately ridiculous.)  so that will be extra calories burnt on tuesdays and thursdays!

well i'm off, happy weekend everyone!
love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

just fucking do it already.

i keep fucking this up.

by eating.

somebody tell me, how i can do this.  inspire me?

i want to fast tomorrow.

i can do it, right?

right. it's called thinspiration for a reason.

other reasons would be that spring is around the corner

and i want to look damn good in some short shorts.

also.  if i just suck it up and commit to this totally

i could hit double digits in 3-4 weeks.

something crazy? i don't completely hate myself when i'm in the double digits.

it matters.  it's also underweight level. 99 lbs.  that's a landmark number for me.

just fucking do it already, i'm sick of this.

st. vincent, st. vincent (annie you are beautiful)

listen to her. look at her.

beautiful.

ah St. Vincent

i forgot to mention (and i'm not sure how)
that i saw St. Vincent play last thursday night.  Annie Clark is basically one of the most beautiful human beings ever.  She also covered These Days (by Nico...well i don't think hers was first, but that's the one i listen to) and basically made me fall in love with her.  she was absolutely amazing live.  wow.  if you ever get the chance. go, see her.  i can't stop listening to her either, now.  all day. on repeat.

thank you for all the comments of support, they're really helping me pull through.
hope you're all doing well,
love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

(i didn't take this, but this is how she looked that night)

and of course, she's so thin...

i can't not be thin anymore, i just can't handle it

i've basically failed over and over again lately.
and today i failed, but not as badly as i have been.
luckily it is a new month. a fresh start.  i just don't think i can handle not being thin any more.  i hate myself, i avoid the mirror, i don't feel comfortable in my own skin.  i haven't been able to bring myself to step on the scale for a few days, i'm so afraid of what it will say.

so the plan is 100 calories tops a day for today through friday.
continued restriction as best as possible but nothing over 500 calories for the week that i'm home.
(saturday i have to go home for spring break) and i'm afraid because my family will want me to/expect me to eat.  but i'm going to try and work the "being sick" excuse out for as long as possible and then the "going out to dinner with friends" excuse.  my mother is still continually bothered by my eating habits, she knows they're moderately messed up, and sometimes she freaks out.  but i remember recently hearing her say to my stepdad something like "i don't care anymore if she wants to be unhealthy let her do it!"  probably just a moment of frustration but whatever.  it's just one week, she can't make me do anything.

i think i've been having a lot of trouble truly realising and accepting the fact that i definitely became briefly anorexic and then bulimic two years ago.  i never really looked at it that way, and the fact that i didn't realise it for so long is kind of freaking me out. a lot.  also i'm at the point where i could never talk to anyone about it, because i'm not thin enough yet.  and admitted this has bothered me, affected me, would mean something crazier like 'recovery' or just general 'therapy', which i'm not about to do.  especially if i'm not underweight.  sigh.  i really am fucked up.

i hope you're all doing better than me, and are taking this new month as a fresh start as well,
love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

all i want from life today

all i want from life today is to be skinny&pretty forever, stay cozy in bed listening to music (beach house, bowerbirds, dirty projectors, today), read blogs, watch skins, and look at pictures of pretty, thin people.  oh and to drink this wonderful coke cherry zero which i am thoroughly enjoying.  and actually, i would like to do this all week long.

instead i have two essays to write by tomorrow, and three more by friday.  bollocks.
spring break starts for me friday at five.  it is going to be a long week.  but it is going to be a weight loss week.  i've decided.


lots of luck skinnies,
anastasia kirstyn

smelling of cigarettes, ethereal floating

right now i smell of cigarettes.  and laundry soap of some other person who must have worn/washed my sweater. tonight was beautiful to me.

i decided for the first time in a month to drink (i've been trying to avoid empty calories) and it's been a serious commitment but tonight i kind of just wanted to let loose a little.  it was perfect, and now i think this good feeling can sustain me for the next month.  i'm trying to do a five-week serious restriction plan to get down to my ultimate goal.  when i think about how short five weeks is, i feel like i can do it. yesterday went really well, i haven't gained back as much as i was afraid of.  today eating was bad because i drank and lost inhibition so i ate when i was drunk.  another reason not to do it for a while.

tonight was beautiful because i really enjoyed my friends, and i hung around with this girl in my lit and french class i really like; honestly i find her beautiful and captivating.  and she is.  and so passionate (english major).  the strangest part is, i think that, but she's not thin.  like not ideal thin the way we crazies look at it.  she's average but she has the most beautiful face, and, it must be her personality or something about her air.  i kind of love her.    anyway.  i also loved tonight because i was in a version of drunkenness where i just felt sort of ethereal and like i was floating amidst the masses.  went to one of those weekly concerts in our college's basement space.  people everywhere.  a wonderful band played that was just kind of mellow and i think brought the entire crowd down in a lovely sort of lulling way.  i'm having difficulty describing it but it was kind of magical.  i was even all stuck in my own head the way i always am when intoxicated.  or all the time really, i suppose that's just me.  my two best friends here, they get drunk and they're sort of a package deal.  they get all giggly and crazy together.  which is great for them, and there i am, always, keeping up the composure, even though i feel differently on the inside.  i suppose that's how i always am, really.  i seem fine, or moderately so, at least, normal, to everyone around me but if they saw inside my head they'd know just how out of it i really am.  seems that's just me, then.  drunk or not.  there's always that disconnect.

my friends looked at two girls on my hall tonight. gawking at the skinnies.  but saying they just thought they're sick-looking (and no they don't have EDs at all, you can tell.  carefree, beer-drinking, dessert-eating skinny bitches.  really skinny.)  i just thought to myself how funny it was, because they are my ideal.  perfection.

sorry, sleep is overtaking me.  bedtime.  more later lovelies.
also thank you for the beautiful comments.
it makes me feel so amazing to know you feel the same, that you want to keep my words and read them, because we share this experience.  it kind of sucks we're all going through it, but it's a bit of a light to feel not so alone.
love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

today

today i've turned my back on mia, this strange, trickery version of mia that made me 'binge-restrict-binge-restrict' two years ago before i even realized it was her, before i even heard that she had that power; she found me and captured me in a roundabout way, i didn't even know.  i don't throw up, so i've never known mia (wrong, so wrong.  look how well she tricked you.)  mia who whispers suddenly, strongly into my head "if you don't eat all of this right now, you'll never have the same chance.  just eat it. NOW. GO!"          what fucking lies.  mia has become this incessant, neverending cycle i've been caught in.  a circle.  round.  which is exactly how you'll stay as long as you let her creep into your head.

today i turn back to ana.  a long, straight line.  a road, the further down it you go the thinner it appears in the distance.  you don't turn back from her, she leads you, straight ahead.  thinner, thinner, thinner.  a thin red bracelet sneaks its way around my wrist today.  this is my choice.  i alone have the control i need.

i don't want to eat anymore.

i don't want to eat anymore.

i don't want to.


whether i eat or not, i feel sick, i feel tired, i feel disconnected from life, i feel disconnected from people.
and i want to be thin, and weak, and frail.  i will stay tired, and disconnected, but i will be connected to me, i will get what i want.
and i don't want to eat anymore.




thanks, anyway.

iamsofatiamsofat

ifeelsofatifeelsofatifeelsofatifeelsofatiamsofat.

not to mention sitting in abnormal psych twice a week just makes me feel more and more like i meet the criteria for bulimia.
oh and learned something to clarify: there are two subtypes of both anorexia and bulimia
bulimia is split into "purging subtype" and "nonpurging subtype".  purging-type involves actually getting rid of the food from the body (ie. throwing up. laxatives.), whereas non-purging-type involves other methods of making up for the consumption of calories (ie. restriction/fasting, exercise).  it is a compensatory method, and in a way it's "purging" but just not as literally.
in the same vein, anorexia is divided into and restricting subtype and a binge-and-purging subtype.  the only clear, distinctive difference between anorexia and bulimia (for meeting diagnostic criteria) is weight.  anorexics are at a BMI lower than 18.5 (or less than 85% of their ideal body weight) and bulimics are above that.  so basically, anorexic binge-and-purgers are just lighter, and probably have fewer episodes, sometimes they start out at a lower weight, or they have a faster metabolism, etc etc individual differences.  i'm not entirely sure of all the specifics.

sorry if you don't want to hear all that, it's just been shoved at me the past few classes.
also i have a friendcrush in that class (haha).  meaning.  i want to be friends with this guy cause he seems awesome.  there's a thread about him on our own collegeacb.com discussion board. haha.  okay.  moving on.  naptime.  thanks for letting me get that out.

love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

not again, you broken record

so.  ate horribly again today.  i don't know what's with me, but i do know that going to meals is what's triggering this eating.  letting people drag me to meals is not allowed to happen.  i'm starting this 7-day grapefruit cleanse over and i'm sticking to it, that's the only option.  i will not slip back into this starving/gaining everything back pattern again.  i'm sick of it.

maybe when i drop my calories so low, sure, i get hungry which hurts a little, i get really tired, i get weak.
   but even if i do choose to eat i feel fat, i feel disgustingly full, i feel lethargic anyway from eating too much at once.  i feel worse.  i hate myself.  i hate my body.  i even hate my face with its little bits of excess weight here and there.  the skin not pulling at my bone structure like it does when i'm thinner.  i like feeling empty.  i love seeing the numbers go down.  i'm living for it.  i will be successful.  i will continue losing.  i will win.  also i just ordered two beautiful pairs of abercrombie size 0s jeans (don't get too excited, i'm 5'2" and i've never gone beyond a size 2, i've always been skinny-average).  and i won't put them on until they fit perfectly.

also i had this crazy scary dream that one of my best friends became a follower on here, meaning she knew me and had read through the whole thing and knew what was going on.  it totally freaked me out for my first few waking minutes.  anyway.  new week.  fresh start.  and absolutely not allowed to go to the dining center. no. no. no. no. take a nap. a shower. go to the gym.  anything but.  i will not step foot in that building.  i just don't have the self-control right now.

much better luck than i've been having,
stay focused,
love,
anastasia kirstyn

(motivation one: look like this in new jeans)

(motivation two: i have this shirt. look like this in it again.)

(be in control.)

i did it anyway

i knew i was going to do it.  and i did it.  yesterday i ate and ate and ate until my stomach felt like it was going to burst.  then i ate a little more.  i didn't even enjoy the taste.


i've never felt so much stomach pain in my life.  i've taken about a million pepto-bismol tablets.  perhaps this will serve as a reminder that binges after serious restriction are pretty much the worst idea ever, in multiple ways.
7-day grapefruit cleanse is starting tomorrow (well, today, saturday) because it hurts too much to even think about putting anything significant into my stomach.  i'm pretty sure i'll be able to stick this one out, given i feel so utterly disgusting.  who knows though, i just keep fucking up.
    however i found one of those countdown clocks that does a 'count-back' type thing, mine being 'time since a binge'.  i'm pretty much trying to never have to reset it.  i'm now at 3 hours and 21 minutes (well, since the end of the day's eating really).  bingeing is the most disgusting thing ever.  ugh.


   i'm choosing to believe though, that this will be serious motivation to get through the next two weeks (it seems my tipping point for a binge has only extended to a week, which always makes the week's loss pointless, as i gain it all back with the binge).  i'm not going to the dining center.  i'm not looking at what they're serving.  i have no food in my room.  just grapefruit.  i know i've said this before, but each time i get closer and closer and the eating gets more spaced out.  what sucks is that right now, given my weight and these ridiculous restricting/bingeing habits i'm basically bulimic.  i really would like to get rid of that title.  it just implies that i'm not successful enough to be skinny enough to meet the anorexia criteria.  lame.


something happier later.  i'm exhausted again on four hours of sleep (screw you two friday essays being due).  sorry this was kind of a bitchy rant.
to add to it, i'm out of my mind jealous and sick of hearing about my friend L's new boyfriend and how cute he is and how much she likes him and every little detail of them spending time together.  i love her and i'm happy for her but god it just reminds me of how incapable i am of finding anyone to care about/who cares for me.  i haven't felt anything for anyone in five years.  maybe it's because i'm so self-absorbed and focused on beautiful things.
luck to all of you,
anastasia kirstyn

ridiculous

i've been eating today.  too much too much too much.
thinking about my one very catholic friend giving up something she loves for lent.  giving it up for something symbolic.  something she feels is worth it.  it's a miniscule amount of time in the grand scheme of her life.  i need to just give up all those additional calories, turn away from food, for something inherently more important and gratifying: being thin.  i don't love food.  i hate it.  it represents the antithesis of what i desire.  honestly, if i just committed to this for even three to four weeks, i'd already hit underweight level.  three weeks? there are fifty-two of them in a year.  it's ridiculous to even think about not being able to do that, when you look at it that way.  i have plenty of weeks to have a little more food.  i need to be devoted to attaining the weight, the body i want, that i feel is a truer image of who i am, how i feel.
i'm starting a grapefruit cleanse on sunday.  only half a grapefruit.  every day.  for seven days.  i need to work up to it, however, that's why it's sunday.  minimal eating for the next two days.  i'm sorry i've been so bad and i've binged and not bounced back.  but my binges have gotten fewer and further between.  and i want this so badly.  so badly.

i am exhausted, exhausted, exhausted.
                  and cold.  always cold.


                        also i've moved onto my legs as my new canvas for my straight red lines.
                           no one gets to see these.  they're for me. 
                                                                    this is all for me.
                              
                                            and were we ever happy?

mind flitterings

today i told my friend i'm giving up chips for three weeks. "are you going to start eating real food to make up for that?"  oh, so you've noticed.  and the other day, my other friend "yeah but you never eat anyway," and another "yeah all you eat is celery and lettuce".  i wonder what they'll say as the weight keeps coming off.  the weight isn't noticeable yet.  i wonder if i can keep this up, and get down to 100 or less by spring break (17 days.  17 days of minimal eating.  if the weight loss keeps going at the rate it was, and i'm successful, i should be able to).  my best friend at home will notice, last time she said to me "really though? switching out the anorexia for cutting? it doesn't help. you should stop."  well look now, i've fallen back to my old ways, with more success than before.  sorry.


i'm mostly trying to lose so fast so i can already be thinner when i see my mother again, so she'll think i lost the weight healthily over a period of seven weeks, instead of three or four.  she's not naive, she'll suspect it.  but she can't prove anything anymore.  and i'll just have hit underweight level, so she really can't force anything on me.  maybe i'll only go home for a few days, come back to school early, so i won't be forced to eat.  maybe i'll just "go out to eat with my friends" all week long.  i have a feeling she'll be watching me a lot.  i will not let her pressure force me to gain anything.  


but, that's 17 days away, right now i just need to focus on losing.  the fasting today is going well.  six hours and twenty minutes to go (not that i'm going to eat at midnight, it's just symbolic.)  i have nothing here to binge on.  i'm skipping dinner.  i sat in my other psych class earlier today, smelling the overpowering scent of pizza and fries that a few people had brought from lunch as take-out.  i did not go to the dining center after.  i drank a diet soda.  also the boy in front of me spent a good ten minutes disgustingly chewing off piece after piece of a huge carrot stick.  even though it was a vegetable, just his eating made me so sick, so distracted.  i don't want food today.


today the lecture in abnormal psychology was on anorexia.  my professor tried to shock us with "i once had a patient who only ate 300 calories a day".  hilarious, professor, my goal is under 100.  today, it's zero.  will you notice, in a month? or are the 35 students in the class just too many to see us?  i've been sitting in the front row.  perhaps i'll move to the back.  continue to keep my coat on for the entire lecture. what can you do anyway, i'm eighteen.


time for a nap (not eating actually does make me exhausted, yet makes it really hard for me to get to sleep at night) and more virginia woolf.  i've been reading all your blogs incessantly, in my free time: they're reassuring, and inspiring, we're not alone, stay strong.


love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

tuesday update

okso i skipped out on the ice cream cake at the birthday party.  but i did slip and have some chips and a few pieces of candy.


and so i have revised my plan.  i'm doing every other day fasting for the next five days.  full day of fasting tomorrow.  allowing 40 calories thursday, in grapefruit or salad (only fruits and veggies) if i feel like i need it.  then fasting again friday.  allowing 60 calories of fruits or veggies saturday, if i need it. and fasting again sunday.  i'm trying to get down to my next goal of 106.0, so i'm trying to keep it really low until then, when maybe i'll give myself one day with some more calories than that.  i really seem to be an all-or-nothing type, so just denying myself completely seems like the only way to go.


also, in the spirit of lent (even though i'm not catholic, and don't do that), i'm joining in (slightly).  i'm not allowing myself one chip or piece of candy until i hit 98 pounds.  added to that is dessert in general which i don't care that much about and don't eat anyway (cookies, pie, ice cream, etc).  i'm really just not a fan, and i'm lactose intolerant.  really it looks like my food choices for the next few weeks will be fruits, vegetables, and maybe a few crackers or a little cereal every once in a while; it's bad for me to try and cut out all bread products at once, that leads to binges.  but i'm feeling good about it.  and i'm telling my friends (although i'm just telling them i'm cutting them out for three weeks, so they don't think i'm trying to lose weight) so they won't let me eat them in their presence.  which is the only times i have been, at random parties/gettogethers.


i wish everyone else luck with what they're giving up!
love,
anastasia kirstyn


ps.
my friend was so surprised about her birthday party!! we got her new boyfriend in on it to distract her, and she didn't suspect a thing!

(kate moss. a goddess)

better, but still, weighted

firstly, thank you all for your motivational comments to keep going, that slip-ups happen to all of us.  and they definitely do.  so my words to you are to not give up, you will get there, mistakes happen.  we're here for each other, and i'd just like to extend my support.  more thanks to even more followers, i'm feeling so popular today, haha.


that said, today has been good.  i only woke up to find 110.5 on the scale, so the damage hasn't been that bad (or so it appears, so far).  i haven't eaten today, and don't plan to.  tomorrow should go okay also.  i didn't go to the gym, being that i am absolutely exhausted and have piles of work to do.  i did however walk home (briskly, if you will) from cvs, listening to the dirty projectors all the way.  i've missed them!
today i also applied to a few babysitting jobs online, as i realized i'm probably going to run out of money spending (on what? i don't even know) as much as i do.  and continuing to hate my workstudy job.  so hopefully i'll get babysitting jobs and make some extra-tax-free cash.


hope everyone else's days are going well, i'm off to read, read, read (it honestly is all i do with my life these days),
love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

(and yet, peculiarly, today is one of those days i just feel heavy and weighed down by any and all the things that bother me in the world.  one of those days where i wish i was that little girl again, finding myself in the clouds with my mother, no preoccupations with food, or weight, or a skewed body image pulling me back from enjoying life in the normal ways.  tonight we're having a birthday party for one of my best friends.  i won't eat the cake.  i won't let one chip touch my lips.  and that, is heavy.  but at the same, i wouldn't give it up.  i know if i did eat them, i would feel miles worse than i already do.  if i did eat normally, i wouldn't lose this weight that's been making me hate myself for months, making me feel as if it's not really me all these people are seeing.  the real me found comfort in her 93-pound frame, in being smaller, lighter, more delicate, fragile.  it was as if my outside matched the inside, and people looked at me with more concern, care, and caution.  it's as if i don't warrant sympathy when i'm bigger.   yesterday a girl on my hall caught a glimpse of the cuts covering my left arm when i momentarily forgot about them while going into the shower.  she didn't say anything, but with the look on her face i realized, and i felt so ashamed.  but it's like i can't even accept sympathy for that, i'm just not thin enough yet.  i feel crazy)