there are so many of us scattered around

sorry it's been a little bit.  i went down the shore with my two friends for a few days.  couldn't really post on this.

got drunk every night.  two nights ago my friend Car and i got to talking.  she saw the lines on my arms, told me how she used to do that.  how she almost tried to kill herself.  lying on the ground, knife aimed at her heart.  i've never wanted to end it all like that, but we had people over that night and i guess i was flirting with some guy a bit, cause that's how i always am when i'm drunk, even if i want nothing from it, and my other friend just comes up to me and says in my ear "he's not into it, okay?".
so then i found something sharp, and cut up the skin on my thighs again.  it had been a while, really, i thought i was done with it.  apparently rejection or feeling unwanted is what makes me most want to do it.  rejection's hard for me.  i normally get any guy i want.

so car and i talked, and then we got to talking about our eating disorders, cause we both have them.  she used to be anorexic, and she over exercised like crazy, and then she just became bulimic.  i didn't know this, but she still is now.  throws up two or three times a day sometimes.  it was really different but nice to get to talk to someone who's been there, and is kind of in the same place right now.  not someone who's going to try to tell me to stop, because she's in it right now too.  not that you all aren't amazing, reading your blogs and getting comments is so helpful.  it was just nice to know that one of my best friends knows exactly how it's going for me, but isn't going to tell me to stop.  my two other best friends (the four of us hang out together) have had/sometimes still have eating issues too, but they always always always get mad and tell me to stop.  i told her car i'd been successfully losing and wanted to keep going, and she just said "of course. we're always trying. always."

sometimes i wonder if this will ever go away.  and then i wonder if i want it to.  i don't.  at least not right now.

i made new rules.  in essence it's no day over 500 calories.  i want to hit the double digits.  and really, really want to hit 90 pounds before the spring semester ends and it will get more complicated around people to restrict.  that gives me approximately nine weeks.  to lose somewhere between 20 and 30 pounds.  i think.  if i go really minimal on the eating (like under 100 calories a day), that it's totally possible.  i think at the smallest loss, it would be three pounds a week.  but it will probably be more, especially in the beginning, and more with exercise.  also i'm going to start trying to buy adderall more often (even though i'm basically broke), like for the weekends and stuff so i don't have to drink but can have some sort of change, and there's the added bonus of it suppressing your appetite.  also i'm afraid of any harder drugs, and my friends at my college don't really do anything like that.  weed makes you hungry.  plus i don't like it.


well, loves, i hope you're all doing really well,
sorry it's been a few days, comment or something, and i'll start commenting again because i feel like i've disconnected from you,
and to the couple of you i've been following who have just stopped their blogs, maybe for the hope of something better than this life, i wish you lots of luck and strength, i hope all goes well,
lovelovelove&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

i've never been able to cry about my own tragedies

yesterday (which was three hours ago, true) i said that the day was interesting. having finished the day, it was actually confusing and sad and lonely.


i felt attacked by one of my best friends, who lashed out saying i was being really negative to the ideas of our other friend to go to chinatown. i told her i didn't think chinatown was at the spot she was referring to. and that the chinese bakery would probably be closed at night. i didn't think i was being negative, simply realistic and unenthusiastic. my friend later told me she felt attacked by me, because i was shooting down her ideas. i felt strangely overburdened with sadness, left her room, and walked to my own room, sat down at my desk, and cried.  it was the strangest thing. i never cry about my own life. ever. i hate that about myself.  also if i ever do cry, like yesterday, i'm never exactly sure what i'm crying about.  it was so weird. it wasn't really about the chinatown exchange.  i just felt alone, i think.


yesterday i felt the most depressed i've felt in a really long time. i could actually feel a physical weight pressing down on my chest.  like how it's described in my abnormal psych textbook.  i've never felt that. i've been cutting my arms for months, but yesterday i felt so sad, and i didn't-i cried.  it's sad but it's a pivotal moment for me.  i've been dealing with this issue since november where i was afraid i was raped, because i woke up somewhere i'd never been, knew i had had sex, and didn't remember anything.  i lost eight hours of my life. they're gone.  something took them from me, and i can never get them back.  this week the detective closed my case, saying there was not enough evidence to pursue it any longer.  the guy came forward.  he goes to another college around here.  he told them everything he remembers, and it appears it was consensual at the time, but i remember nothing.  i got to the hospital too late for there to be any trace of drugs (such as roofies) in my system, so i will never know what happened.  the not knowing is what kills me.  i've struggled for control over my life forever, and this part has just been taken from me.  if the boy ever sees me again, he will know who i am.  if i see him, i will have no idea.  
               i never cried about it.  i just couldn't. everyone else i know cried for me.  i couldn't do it.  i just felt sad.  when i was first told there was a chance i had been conscious, that it was just my normal one-night stand, i couldn't handle it.  that's the first time i ever cut myself.  i couldn't even think.  i was just shaking, and i just reacted.  sliced my arm open.  it looks like a mess right now, i don't know how it got so bad, so frequent.  not deep, just always there, always a new line.


this week, was lonely.  my life, has been lonely.  i have sex with someone new almost every weekend, and i've never felt more alone.  i like the sex, truly, but for some reason i can't even begin to start a real connection with even a boy, friend.  no one intrigues me.  i feel like i'm going to go through my whole life without falling in love with anyone.  perhaps that's irrational.  i love the idea of love, i love love stories, i cry for love stories.  i have none of my own.  fuck buddies, that's it.  so casual.  another irrational fear?  i'm afraid i'm infertile.  i love kids.  i would make a good mother.  but for some reason, i just have this foreboding sense i that i won't be able to have my own.  it's dumb, i know, but it's real.


i had two crackers around 2 am this morning.  that starts my day's calorie count at 35.  i want to get drunk tonight, and have sex with the same guy i've slept with the past two weekends.  he's nice, it's really fun, lighthearted, and we've become friends.  we live in the same building, and we walked home together tonight, after i felt like i was going to pass out or throw up.  it's my own fault, i smoked too many cigarettes too fast without realizing it, and that makes me physically ill.  add to that my low food intake, i'm a huge warning sign for passing out.  my body does it from simple dehydration or exhaustion.


i hope today will be better, i hope your todays were okay, and, if not, i hope they will be better,
anastasia kirstyn

(it appears we have a few things in common, except that my hair is brown)

back at school, back to me, whatever that may be

hi girls (and guys but right now my followers are girls),


I'm back. Sorry it's been a while but I was on winter break from school and like i said i can't hide it from my mom very well, let alone my best friend. so i didn't lose any weight cause i decided not to try. i'm back at school and back in the swing of what i want. updates? i've now fucked thirteen guys, i'm fucking the same guy at school as i was before, and i like the consistency. we talk a little after. maybe we'll fuck during the day, it's my goal. so i started smoking cigs since break started. all my friends from home do, and now i just like it. also right before break i started cutting (with safety pins), and it's gotten pretty bad and kind of out of control. i told my best friend and my guy friend who has been through depression and gets where i am and understands we all have to deal with shit in the ways we can. i know my friends at school will notice.  i got sloppy and when i'm drunk i just can't stop or can't help it. it seems all a bit tied to guys. if i get denied a hookup i cut a lot cause i feel bad, if i do fuck someone i still do it cause i like it. i want to see blood red, i want to feel something. it's weird and very different from how i've ever been. now i'm starving again. again, i like it. cigs, sex, slices (i've demolishedd my left arm, truthfully), starvation. it's okay. i'll figure it out, it's just taking time, and it's new territory. kate says it won't help. the cutting. she's probably right, but it's just something i need to do right now while i try and figure out why i keep doing it. it's not stopping, i'm not, even though i told her i would, that i was trying. i'm not. right after i told her i went to the bathroom and cut up my arm even more. i don't know any more.   i'm sure some of you have been there and if you haven't, i hope you don't get there. it came out of nowhere, i thought this shit was a middle school thing; apparently not. okaywell. i have class in the morning and i'm working on five hours of sleep so i should go to bed. lots of love, more updates when i can.


feel better, i know you/i/we will,
love always,
anastasia kirstyn