christmas over, it was good, i ate enough for mummy to be happy. oh also she got me a vegetarian cookbook and the materials you need to make/eat your own sushi. i feel like she just doesn't know what to do to make me eat so that's her way of hoping i'll try to be healthy. lolthanksfortryingmom.
she knows i haven't been eating meals though, and she only said something the other day when i lied to her about eating breakfast and she was like "why did you lie to me? you didn't eat breakfast. is it because you didn't want me to bother you about eating?" bingo! i just sat there and avoided her eyes not saying anything...so for two out of the past three days she knows i haven't eaten meals, but hasn't said a thing. maybe she's just given up? i don't really believe that though, and it'll probably blow up in my face pretty soon.
luckily though, i'm getting my tonsils out in a week, so i won't be able to eat anything except popsicles for a while anyway. i'm gonna milk it until the end of break (january 18) and basically just make my way up to eating soup by the time i go back to school. also i haven't gained in the week i've been home (haven't lost though either), still at steady 105.5. but that's amazing considering i haven't been this low since senior year. woohoo.
anyway. my mind is everywhere and i'm like super-relapsing/back into my old habits, not that anything was ever normal really, it's just that right now i'm actually successful.
things that haven't helped with me not wanting to lose and not eat: the boy i'm hooking up with telling me last week that he loves that i'm so small (&telling me i'm pretty, aw), and literally just picking me up off the bed and placing me standing on the floor, with no help from me. i can't even fake fight with him, i'm too little i have no power. andd like the rest of you i totally love it. also all the attention he's giving me (textingwhatt) even though we're on break. planning to hang out over break. people noticing, and telling me i'm "looking thin" and asking if i've been eating. haven't they learned it just makes you want it more? seeing serious hip bones, ribs all the time, arms with real shape instead of doughy blobs, elbows, really skinny wrists. actually losing weight
things i remember now: nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. i actually like feeling hungry. going to bed hungry is the best feeling. losing, seeing a lower number on the scale, gives you the most fulfilling feeling in the world, it is success. when you're thinner, you're prettier. clothes that normally fit feeling loose really does happen. unfortunately, not being able to sleep does come with this (remember to try to get at least 6 hours though for your metabolism to keep working right!!). THERE IS NOTHING THAT FEELS BETTER THAN LOSING, nothing.
&&that is our reality. &i am so happy to feel like i am really back.
bingeing does not exist in my world anymore. starvation and success only.
love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn
