Come on skinny love, what happened here

thighs

2011-02-08T02:28:00.000-05:00

today my thighs feel fat.
tomorrow i will eat under 200 calories.

so. goddamn. simple.

alexis dziena. my goal.

i forgot

2011-01-09T00:55:00.000-05:00

i forgot what it was like
to see a real collarbone
&the bones in my chest

ribs are here to stay, hip bones too

this is real.

neww yearrrr

2011-01-04T23:57:00.001-05:00

so yay, it's the new year.
yes a new start, but at the same time not, because i was doing really well in december. really, now i'm just lucky because i'm spending my last two weeks at home recovering from getting my tonsils out and not being able to eat a thing. who knows how long it will be before i can eat rougher foods (ie chips crackers, all the carbs that are normally my downfall). could be three weeks to a month. &for me, once certain foods are cut out of what you can eat, it's just easier and easier to cut out one more type, and then another and another until eventually all you're intaking is like celery, diet soda, and vitamin water. love it.
so hopefully i'll lose a few pounds in the next two weeks just by default because of the pain (tylenol with codeine is such a joke, my aunt who's a nurse told me it never works and now i should ask for something stronger).

anyway, i hope you all are doing well with this fresh start that is 2011. you can reach your goals!
i feel really lucky, i am both forced and have a legitimate excuse to not eat/be weird about eating for a whilee. (we are such sick people, aren't we?)

so don't really have much to say, nor will i for the next two weeks as my life will be filled with television and movies for two weeks. film recommendations anyone?? tomorrow i'm watching y tu mama tambien and run, lola, run...but i could also use some lighthearted/upbeat (but QUALITY) ones too!

love&luck for january&beyond,
anastasia

hell yeah.

a boy

2010-12-28T02:48:00.000-05:00

early in the fall, i found a boy. well really, he found me, and chased me.

and i fell for him. i liked him he was special. i even waited to sleep with him.

we had only eachother, i didn't sleep around, we talked, we started to know each other.

andthen suddenly, as the leaves started to turn, started to fall, so quickly, i lost him. still in love with his ex, i wasn't her, she didn't want him, i wasn't enough, he couldn't do it, something.

i still miss that boy, lost something i never got a chance to really have.

ironic, that now i'm sleeping with another boy, whom last fall showed me that i had it in me, i could actually like someone, not heartless, i discovered.

he managed to touch it, and then pulled away. i liked him, but it wasn't right, i wasn't her, he couldn't do it, something like that again.

now i have him (somewhat), and real feelings are gone and it's lost and i'm lost and we really are only friends, but that's nice, for what it is, but still i'm lost, i'm insecure, unsure.

one hundred and four pounds, which used to be kind of okay and i feel humongous. early in the morning you see bones, you see thin, hours pass you feel like the biggest thing in the room you can't see it, i can't see it will i ever? does it end? girls fall to this in their teens and seven, ten years later it still defines them for themselves, they can't get rid of it, can't let go of it, don't want to, what else is there? how can i live like this forever? but how can i let go when i'm not thin enough yet? why would i let go, what good could it do me?

well

2010-12-27T16:26:00.000-05:00

christmas can suck it,
because i just hit another goal weight.
helloo 104 lbs.

my mind is all over the place

2010-12-27T02:56:00.000-05:00

so sorry for the randomness of this post.
christmas over, it was good, i ate enough for mummy to be happy. oh also she got me a vegetarian cookbook and the materials you need to make/eat your own sushi. i feel like she just doesn't know what to do to make me eat so that's her way of hoping i'll try to be healthy. lolthanksfortryingmom.
she knows i haven't been eating meals though, and she only said something the other day when i lied to her about eating breakfast and she was like "why did you lie to me? you didn't eat breakfast. is it because you didn't want me to bother you about eating?" bingo! i just sat there and avoided her eyes not saying anything...so for two out of the past three days she knows i haven't eaten meals, but hasn't said a thing. maybe she's just given up? i don't really believe that though, and it'll probably blow up in my face pretty soon.
luckily though, i'm getting my tonsils out in a week, so i won't be able to eat anything except popsicles for a while anyway. i'm gonna milk it until the end of break (january 18) and basically just make my way up to eating soup by the time i go back to school. also i haven't gained in the week i've been home (haven't lost though either), still at steady 105.5. but that's amazing considering i haven't been this low since senior year. woohoo.

anyway. my mind is everywhere and i'm like super-relapsing/back into my old habits, not that anything was ever normal really, it's just that right now i'm actually successful.
things that haven't helped with me not wanting to lose and not eat: the boy i'm hooking up with telling me last week that he loves that i'm so small (&telling me i'm pretty, aw), and literally just picking me up off the bed and placing me standing on the floor, with no help from me. i can't even fake fight with him, i'm too little i have no power. andd like the rest of you i totally love it. also all the attention he's giving me (textingwhatt) even though we're on break. planning to hang out over break. people noticing, and telling me i'm "looking thin" and asking if i've been eating. haven't they learned it just makes you want it more? seeing serious hip bones, ribs all the time, arms with real shape instead of doughy blobs, elbows, really skinny wrists. actually losing weight

things i remember now: nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. i actually like feeling hungry. going to bed hungry is the best feeling. losing, seeing a lower number on the scale, gives you the most fulfilling feeling in the world, it is success. when you're thinner, you're prettier. clothes that normally fit feeling loose really does happen. unfortunately, not being able to sleep does come with this (remember to try to get at least 6 hours though for your metabolism to keep working right!!). THERE IS NOTHING THAT FEELS BETTER THAN LOSING, nothing.

&&that is our reality. &i am so happy to feel like i am really back.
bingeing does not exist in my world anymore. starvation and success only.
love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

ah, home for the holidays...

2010-12-22T19:52:00.002-05:00

i think my mother took my brother and me out to dinner at an italian place tonight on purpose,
so she could watch me eat cheesy, calorie-filled food, and make sure i ate today.
ugh the ultimate downside to being home for winter break.
&tomorrow? she has plans for cookie baking with us.

but i was really good on my own today, i only ate some vegetables besides the dinner she made me eat.
god i'm such a bitch.
but whatever, i don't want to get caught this month that i'm home, so i'll play along the days that i have to, and all the others i'll just starve, starve, starve.
my body just wants to drop the weight, it's dropping off kind of quickly these days.
so close to being back in the double digits. can't wait.

love&luck to all of you, especially with the holidays & how stressful it can be to deal with gatherings with food, people always around, being stuck with parents for too many hours in which you should be eating,
we'll get through it,
<3 kirstyn

oh and ps. i'm the lowest weight i've been in the past year and a half. !!!!! how is this finally reality?
AND only 9 lbs away from my stagnant low weight from junior year of high school.
&some days it feels like no effort, none at all.

merry christmas, from victoria's secret

woops

2010-12-21T03:51:00.000-05:00

apparently i can't lose 5 pounds without everyone i know asking me if i'm not eating.
woops, guess i'm not. fuck you all for noticing.

i want thin, kthanks.

it

2010-10-06T05:27:00.001-04:00

i can't imagine that this ever goes away.
but i don't think i'll ever want help.
will i feel defined by this forever?

ohheywhatupblogging?

2010-09-13T01:46:00.000-04:00

well hello, long time no see.
i'm back!

summer went really well, i had tons of fun. enough said there.
in all honesty i didn't know if i was going to come back to this blog a few weeks ago. i wasn't feeling as ED-centered/focused as usual (though i had lost weight...it was just not my main focus at all).

but of course, today i check the scale for the first time in a few days...and i'm down like three pounds this week. &i have no idea how it happened. i drank three nights this week, and i thought i was eating a normal person amount, and i did not exercise.
maybe it was the sex i've been having. or maybe i'm just eating way less than i think, i wasn't counting.
soo i realized i need an outlet, and i also realized my eating/weight issues are obviously still a concern for me.

so overall update, i'm about 13 pounds down from may, when i left school. my friends all noticed the weight loss, even though i honestly can't tell looking at myself. "wow you lost like a lot of weight this summer you look so much skinnier" and casually after i remarked about some girl passing by having lost weight, "yea did you lose weight cause it looks like it". honestly i was fluctuating around 116 once i went to work at camp, and then i got strep throat and couldn't eat because of the pain for a few days, and i dropped a few pounds...and now it's just getting easier and my body seems to want the weight to come off. i can't wear my skinny jeans without a belt, my hip bones are back, my back is all ribs and backbones. i guess i there are differences. it's weird that it's happening without a lot of effort from me. the cool thing about this school year (sophomore in college woo) is that i'm living in an on-campus apartment, so i'm off the meal plan and can eat/not eat whatever i want. i basically have lots of snack food, very little meal food, plenty of veggies, and some vegetarian stuff for when i do feel like eating dinner. my schedule makes it so lunch just doesn't really happen, since i don't go to the dining center for it...i just don't bring food with me upcampus to class. it's so simple.

so that's what's new on the eating/weight scene for me. i'm really tired and have so much work to do, but i promise i'll update you on juicy details (boys boys boys) later.

lots of love,
anastasia kirstyn

(th)inspiration? absolutely.

not disappeared, but away for the summer

2010-06-20T14:20:00.001-04:00

hey loves
so i'm working at a camp for the next nine weeks
with one shared computer between a staff of like 60 plus 15-20something yearolds
so basically i'll barely be able to post
i'm still working on the losses though,
met my first goal weight! i hit 114.5 yesterday! it made me soooo happy!
partly i think when i don't eat a lot, the topamax helps my body lose more weight faster. and it keeps my hunger from being too painful, and sometimes i just don't get hungry all day even though i don't eat, so that's really cool, especially since i'll be working as a counselor and i have to be on my game with the kids all day long, so i really can't be worrying about myself or in pain.

love and luck to you all, i hope you're doing well
i've been feeling a lot better.

oh ALSO
i went to BONNAROO! and it was definitely one of the best experiences of my lifeee i urge you all to go
i had plenty of favorites. tops wereee. regina spektor, she & him, jay-z, the xx, deadmau5, the flaming lips, lcd soundsystem...the list goes on and on...so much music, and everyone was sooo good!

okwell. i have to leave really soon (tonight!) but i'll try to do a few short posts if i ever get a chance just to update you on things if i can.

love&luck to you all
&&;i have been reading, just so you know,
<3 anastasia

nicole fox from antm cycle 13, my favorite winner!

i've missed

2010-06-03T00:44:00.002-04:00

i've missed
   the sharp edges of hip bones
   and elbows

   and the reassuring feeling
   of a stomach used to feeling empty.
   not even painful anymore, just a feeling that's always there,
   like you know you're doing something right.

scales, numbers, calories, meals? whattt?

2010-06-01T22:49:00.002-04:00

the cheap scale i own said 119.5 yesterday.
my mother's scale said 118.5 though.
and today. the scale at the house where i babysit, said 118.5. and that was with jeans on.
and i had to have lost. because at that house, on friday, it said 120.0. so that's something.
i had a teeny salad with dab of 15 calorie dressing, 15 pita chips, and some pickles today and i feel like a whale.
there's something wrong with me.
but i only feel this way, because i'm afraid i won't even have a half pound loss tomorrow, and that will hurt.
luckily i work 8 hours a day now, and don't have time to think about breakfast or lunch, and don't care to make anything beside salads for dinner.

i'm still taking topa, and thanks to the slowness of the mail i'm just now upping my dosage to 100mg a day from 50. it's true that i had a smaller appetite but that could partly be because i just stopped eating of my own accord so my stomach shrunk. i still get hungry, but can't eat much of anything because nothing fits in my stomach. also really sweet sodas taste off, but i only drink diet so no loss there. i mostly do salty, not sweets. i'll update you if those things change.

i hope everyone's doing well. i'm trying to catch up on your blogs, but it's slow since i'm working a lot and trying to get enough sleep also.
lots of love and luck,
<3kirstyn

and take some time to enjoy the scenery. sometimes the world is beautiful, even if we don't feel we are. (but you are, i promise)

oh ps.

i've been crashing at my friends' apartment near where i work. and one of them gained like at LEAST the freshman fifteen (i'd go for like, 25). and she keeps going to the gym. but anyone who knows anything about losing weight knows you can't just go to the gym, you have to WATCH WHAT YOU EAT. she continues to eat ice cream daily, lots of cheese (so fattening), guacamole with tortilla chips, hummus (that stuff is so high in calories if you eat a lot of it!!!) but oh she eats it with CARROTS not pita chips-THEY ALL HAVE CALORIES!, and snacks all the time! the other day at the shore she ate a giaaant chipwich (ice cream sandwiched between two huge chocolate chip cookies). i'm dying watching her. like hi, you have what looks like a guy's beer gut, and you're STILL EATING DESSERT???? EVERYONE KNOWS YOU HAVE TO CUT OUT BIG DESSERTS ("haha dessert is my favorite meal!")! today she ate TWO ICE CREAM SANDWICHES!! AND JUST NOW WENT BACK FOR M&M's!!! obviously i feel better about how little i'm eating, but she eats waaayyy more than the other girl in the apartment who's not trying to lose weight. and she's "sure" she gained all this weight "just at the end of spring semester" (not true at all) from "drinking so much" also not true. it's from the melted bowl of chocolate chips she ate at lunch every day. she honestly thinks her going to the gym every day is going to take this weight off? forget about it! she doesn't even own a scale!!

okay. now i definitely feel better about myself. remember girls. there are people out there doing a LOT worse!

here, at least today

2010-05-30T01:46:00.002-04:00

hi girls,

i'm here. at least today

i'm alive. breathing. at least.
i lost three pounds. at least. i checked yesterday. i was 120. i haven't really eaten all week. i drank a little these past two nights though so who knows. i'm staying at people's apartments. i hope i've gone down. i have stomach pains in the worst way. i hope i've lost more.

i'm not really happy. i'm sorry to post something so depressing.

i'm still messing around with the same guy. and i know it's fucking me up. when he wants me, i'm really fucking happy, and when he suddenly isn't interested one night (ie, tonight) i'm so low. it's disgusting. i wish i could change. i wish someone just loved me. one hundred percent of the time. i hate myself. the only thing i can count on is losing weight. even if i keep drinking on weekends (3-5 shots max, which will still amount to a loss for the day) i won't eat. i don't want to. losing is the only thing i can do for myself. even if i'm tired. even if i have to curl into a ball and practically scream because the pain is so much, i don't care. it's the only thing i can do to matter to myself. i work fucking eight hours a day, just to pay for car insurance, and living expenses. and i just want to be thin. that's the only reward i can get. this is my life, this is what i can control, i can finally take a look at my body and say, okay, we've improved, i'm not a huge cow any more (i hope i'll feel that way, at 99 lbs, 93 lbs).

i love you all and i'm sorry i keep disappearing i'm just going through a lot of shit and keep getting depressed and unable to deal with anything and even accept that i'm doing this to myself. but i'm really really low tonight and i needed to at least let you all know i'm here, you're wonderful, and not alone, not ever, i love you, really. we're all here for each other.

love&luck, hope, happiness, i hope it comes to you
anastasia kirstyn

crisis mode.

2010-04-27T01:18:00.000-04:00

someone took pictures of our a cappella concert this saturday.

I'M GOING THROUGH A CRISIS.

as in. i'm fucking huge.
like. huger than huge. i thought being 116 was huge? oh no. this is DISGUSTING. 123 is DISGUSTING.

solution? not eating.

can i eat under 100 calories each day for the next three days?
YES.
cause then it's a drinking fest at my school for two days.
and then it's back to restriction restriction restriction.
this is ridiculous.

I LOVE YOU GIRLS.

2010-04-19T23:59:00.003-04:00

quick post cause i've been thinking about you all a lot.

i'm currently writing a paper for my abnormal psychology class

and the topic is the pro-ana movement on the internet.

(yes yes i picked it i can't help that i'm obsessed with this mess that is whatever i have)

but in reading these studies, some of which have quotes from websites that girls like us have used,

i just felt again an overwhelming sense of support and compassion and empathy coming from them,

and it makes me again feel so grateful to be part of such a supportive and wonderful community.

you girls are all amazing, and all working hard at figuring things out for yourselves, and supporting each other in whatever is happening. you have all made such a difference in making me feel better about myself and less alone. i love you all.

also amazing thanks to Alice for the sunshine award! just more proof that you ladies are amazing and reaching out to each other has really helped a lot of us.
i've thanked her here. [elusively] given my tumblr is open to my realworldfriends.
&i'll be giving out my own awards when i have more time.

i unfortunately really am amazingly busy and stressed out. as this paper is supposed to be 10 pages and it's due in two days, alongside a 16page essay exam, and another 4page essay. i promise i'll be much more present after these next two weeks are over (end of classes)

a few more brief things i suppose, though. since you want updates&isuddenly want to procrastinate to update you (!)
my weight and eating habits have been bouncing during my absences. i'll have a few good days, a few bad days. a few good exercise days in a row, a few days where i have zero time, &am probably stress eating for flavor since there is a lack of interesting things beside coursework in my life. my weight is sadly not 120 like it says, it's 123 :( back to my highest. but i took adderall tonight (actually for studying purposes, ick) which has the added bonuses of me not needing sleep and losing my appetite. i might even take another tomorrow depending on the workload, because i doubt i'll finish it all before the effects run out and i crash. just keep the high going! haha. also through the sneaky tricks of a fellow blogger i've figured out i can order generic topamax (topiramate?) online through sketchy, non-prescription-necessary international pharmacy websites. it's used for a variety of things but helps with weightloss and is prescribed for binge-eating disorder. [visit Lola for some more info on side effects&risks] it'd be great if i could stop those binges and actually keep weight off for once (my 'purging' methods of intense restriction periods have gotten fewer and farther between, ugh. though my weight's been pretty stable. no loss.) we'll see if they come ( in 10-21 days! ah!) and if they actually work, or if they're fake or something. also it's only 25 mg (whereas the lovely 20-lb-loss-in-one-month Zen is on 400 mg/day) but that's because that's all they sell, and i am kind of poor, so at ~$1 a tablet i can afford 30 of them as a trial in case it's a scam or something. maybe i'll take two a day so i'll be at 50 mg. don't know. we'll see how it goes.
wow. that was tons of logistical rambling. it's the adderall, sorry (!) making me talkative even on the internet, goodness!
although it's also because i miss you guys, and i figure i'll be up all hours for the next day so i'll have time.

oh fuck. this is going to be a long one, isn't it? (so be it).
here we go then. got rid of the boy i'd been screwing regularly. it got weird, and was hurting me (as you can see in my recent posts), because i was attached without liking him. and i think he was moderately attached, but less than i was. it's fine now though. i didn't hang out with him last weekend and barely saw him all week, but then this week i've run into him a few times and we're totally fine and friendly, which is PERFECT-exactly what i want. i hate post-fuck-buddy awkwardness. it's GREAT.

also i found out some things about this other guy i hooked up with before this last one, J. (i know i've gone through a lot of boys so if you don't follow, don't worry). this one i hooked up with before winter break, and we had to use plan b, and it was complicated. but i thought we were fine because we hooked up again at the beginning of this semester, but then after two weeks he spazzed and wouldn't look at me. it clearly bothered me, but i let it go to the weirdness of guys. however, a few weeks ago my guy friend who lives on his hall was talking with me, and realized that i had been the one J had the whole plan b thing happen with, and told me that J was actually really freaked out and scared, and that's probably why he pushed away. i feel bad, since i wasn't really worried, i have lots of faith in that stuff (haha). but we're also fine now and he's been saying hi to me a lot. oh silly boys.

so anyway. doubt you'll read all that. but you asked for an update, so you got one! there's still more but i should definitely write my paper (6.5 hours before i have to go to class,work,AEROBICS,&filmingstuff until 9pm. ohgodohgod.notenoughtime)

ok. onto work. also. texting buddies in the US. i'd love you right now to keep me on track with the eating! let me know!

again-

i really do LOVE you girls.

STAY STRONG.

&thank you for being there for me, and each other

you're the best, and have made so much of a difference for me

<3 love&luck,

anastasia kirstyn

ps. another plug for my [tumblr]
i'd love it if you followed, &if you have one, let me know, i'd love to follow you
it's a little less time consuming than this blog, fewer words/real experiences, more photos/quotes
&therefore my newest quick artsy fix
consider joining if you don't have one, it's a nice outlet

wednesday=fasting day!

2010-04-14T00:59:00.001-04:00

hi loves.
promise i'll update you on things when work calms down.
in the meantime, fasting today (wednesday).
i need something to keep me honest.
anyone want an ana texting buddy (US)?
i would love one, though i've never done it before.

although, kudos to me, i've been to the gym 7 times in the past 9 days.

love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn
[tumblrrr]

ps. ^this makes me wish i put a little time&effort into being trendy.

here. love you all.

2010-04-13T02:04:00.000-04:00

i'm sorry i've disappeared for a week.
things have been crazy. they still are.
but i love this place, and i want to be here.
i'm back.
i hope you're all doing well.
better yet, tell me how you are.

also, visit my tumblr for some pretty things... &somehow she got lost along the way

love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

lost

2010-04-05T01:52:00.002-04:00

friday night. got too drunk, didn't want to be so drunk. was too clingy with the boy. said so many things i wish i hadn't said, things i don't remember. i think i scared him away.
i got attached. attached to having the same body to sleep with, the same arms wrapped around me.
i don't like it. no more of that boy for me. late saturday night i walked by his room, empty, i'm sure he found some other girl to be with that night.

friday we slept together. fell asleep quicklyiwassodrunk. woke up at fiveish. he left. he didn't care. i cut myself. again and again and still didn't feel any better.
saturday got drunk again, better this time. was with friends. danced all night. parted ways with them, smoked cigs sitting in beach chairs on the third floor fire escape steps with two guys from my hall while they had shared a bong (i hate weed, makes me anxious, too much in my own head).
then. they just left. went inside. i just wandered. down to the ground. back of the building, there are these really cool steps in the back, stone, with big ledges to sit and lean.
probably smoked like six cigarettes quickly. alone. found a safety pin on my skirt, started scratching up my thighs again. oh right, i remember now, my best friend saw all those lines on my thighs when we went to the bathroom together saturday. she wasn't drunk. she remembers. she thought i was doing okay, that it was in the past, because all she'd seen were my arms, healing.
went inside. found a guy i'm friends with. he smoked a cig outside with me. i just wanted a shoulder to lean on. he gave it, but i could tell he didn't really want to. wasn't totally comfortable. went inside. up to bed, supposedly.
cut myself some more. i just can't seem to stop. my thighs hurt when i bend my legs up now, i like that. masochistic, it seems.

and i can't seem to stay happy. i'll go out, have a good time (alcohol necessary for that part), but that's short distraction. i'm so unhappy, so much of the time.
laid around all day wishing i could do coursework. i just couldn't do anything. i didn't do anything.
my family decided to come take me to dinner because it's easter and i miss them, they're only forty minutes away from my school. it was nice to see them, but again, once they left, here i am again, feeling empty.

i don't know what's wrong with me. is this the start of depression? why? where is it coming from? i find myself all the time just saying "go away, go away, go away" to whatever this feeling is that i can't name and can't find a source of. i don't know what's wrong. i don't know why i'm not happy. i don't know what to do. i don't want to do anything. essay, readings due tomorrow. 1:45 am, haven't started. can't see myself writing anything with quality.

i just want it to go away. go away. go away.
-anastasia kirstyn

ps. i made a tumblr. it's not going to be superthinspo-y, my real friends are reading it, and they can't know about this blog. it will definitely involve beautiful thin people though. if you want the link, comment with your email or something, i'll give it to you. too afraid people will find it.

love you all though, really.

control.

2010-04-03T05:07:00.000-04:00

i am sick of boys.
i am sick of being unwanted
(aside from my physicality)
i hate myself
i can't stop physically hurting myself.
(thin red lines found their way into my arms again tonight,
i thought i'd decided to just do thighs. i can't help it.)

the only thing i have control over
is getting thinner.

my turn.
boy, stop fucking me up. i can't do it anymore.
it hurts so much.

new motivation

2010-03-29T21:36:00.005-04:00

can't really keep this to myself.
just got personal thinspo thrown in my face, by my friend posting last year's memorial day pictures on facebook today, first time i've seen them. let's remember that last year at memorial day i was somewhere between 100-106.

i remember all i ate that day was a salad without dressing, and drank tons of strawberry powerade zero to keep myself hydrated. pretty sure that's how many of those days then were. there's no fat on the inside of my knees in that picture! there's extra space around my arms in that xs abercrombie jacket (now it's skin tight) no muffin top! my stomach had to have been so little to enjoy fitting in that tight jacket loosely.

it's by no means perfect, i still want to be a decent amount thinner than that. but maybe this was exactly what i need, the most opportune thinspiration, remembering i have been there, i can do this.

love&luck to you all,

because we can do this,

anastasia kirstyn

also, intake today: 400kcal. cutting down to 200 or less tomorrow.

quite a weekend

2010-03-28T20:23:00.002-04:00

hey ladies,

sorry for it being a few days, again. again very busy with schoolwork, but also fun. this past week was weird. by the end of it i got into a rut, had a very "fuck it" attitude about food, and ate for the past few days what i thought was normally or even too much. amazingly i got on the scale this morning (which took a lot of courage, i was so afraid) and I LOST WEIGHT! one little pound, I am 120.0. but i didn't even think i was restricting at all, i was eating dessert, drinking. i was sooo afraid i had gained like three. i guess i just wasn't really paying attention to the fact that i wasn't eating too much.

also, my other slight theory is that i probably burned significant amounts of calories given i was with a boy (the same one!) the past two nights. we like to go in for round two, three, four... lol. it was nice to hook up with him, E, the same guy i hooked up with twice in the beginning of the semester. he's also the last guy i hooked up with. which is such a long time for me, as i normally find someone new every weekend. partly it was because i wasn't drinking a lot for a few weeks, and just wasn't into it.

i'm starting to get a little scared now that we've hooked up like four times, because i'm not used to attachment, and i'm afraid to get attached, and things seem to be getting a little less "random hookup" and a little more sweet, intimate, caring. something. i don't know. i freaked out a bit last night when we started hooking up and sort of spilled this to him, and his sentiments are the same. he also gets around. but we're both really confused and neither of us are looking for relationships. i think we see them as unrealistic for ourselves or in our situation being that we're in college, and partly because we're afraid of them. i know he tried to date a few girls in the beginning of the year, and realized that's not what most college girls out on weekends are looking for...so he kind of got defeated. but he told me last night that where he's from (italy. so jealous) that's all people do. they date, have relationships, no random hookups. so it's different but he totally 180-ed. I don't know. things are weird. on friday he wasn't even drunk at all and still wanted me, it wasn't just random sloppy drunk running into each other kind of thing. i don't know. it's really confusing. especially because last night he stayed, we fell asleep, and then by like early in the morning he was like 'my back really hurts on your mattress...would it be ok if i left? like are you okay with that?". when he normally just leaves after like 20 minutes of just lying there, not asking, just saying he's going to go. it's weird. it's like we must care about each other on some level. it just feels like it.

ugh. whatever. i think i'll be better if we either keep hooking up or don't, but nothing more. i'm a mess.

aside from the sexcapades, this weekend was lovely because i just read a novel basically all these past two days, for my lit class, and it's really good and feels like reading for fun! so nicee. also the show at our college's basement space was amazing, so many amazing indie bands. the best show of the year, i think. also E showed me this neat little alcove outside the window of the basement that fits like 10 people if you squish, because they weren't letting us smoke inside on friday. it was kind of amazing. anyway. today eating was good, probably under 400 calories. i'm going to try really hard this week, i want to keep losing, at least three or four pounds a week until i'm happy. i have five weeks until finals. i would love to be 101-106 by then. i'd finally be at the same weight as last year, when i only moderately hated myself.

love&luck ladies,
also, it's almost april! spring! and new beginnings!
<3 anastasia kirstyn

(my weekend: skinny boy, champagne, &cigarettes)

and today i picked a daffodil

2010-03-25T02:06:00.003-04:00

wow. you're all so sweet and understanding. thank you for all your supportive comments on my last post, i'm sad we all have these types of experiences, but it's a bit better to know someone else understands and doesn't judge. also to clarify. it's not that i don't want to cry. i just can't. it won't happen. i wish it would. i know chances are good i'd feel a lot better. isn't what i do just a way of getting the pain out, of trying to fix something, through food, through numbers, through straight lines etched into skin?

yesterday went really well food-wise. today not so much.
fasting tomorrow.
and have aerobics class.
i kind of just don't want to eat. just to like. have something, you know? just so i can say to myself: hey, look. you wanted to lose 25 or 30 pounds before school ended. you wanted it. and you made it happen. and you can do whatever you want and you can make things seem better by setting these goals and doing whatever you have to do to make them happen.
honestly just not eating. requires no physical effort. no extra decision-making. just say no and stick to it. it has been so simple in the past, i am capable of doing this. i used to be 90 pounds for god's sake!
(ugh that knowledge hurts. anything over 102 used to be unthinkable! i didn't even think i was capable of hitting 110 and now look at me! ugh. well. get over it. move on. weight comes off. it's magical.)

aside from that, i was wondering how people feel about using adderall as an appetite suppressant. have you done it, did it work, how hungry do you get once you stop taking it, do you like it? i know to really be in control i should be able to just turn down food all by myself all the time, but sometimes i need a little push of food in general just seeming so entirely unappealing. i don't know. feels like a fake to me. but i'm getting desperate.

hope you're all doing well, i'm feeling optimistic.
love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

i can't

2010-03-23T02:36:00.000-04:00

cry.

i can't cry.

why has cutting into my thighs

become the only option?

i am so sad. so much of the time.

correlate with lack of thinness?

most likely.

pleasegoawaypleasegoaway

busy&fat &SWIMSUITS SO SOON.

2010-03-23T01:22:00.000-04:00

sorry i'm neglecting posting and commenting.
literally worked on a paper all the hours of sunday.
fasted saturday, then decided to drink, got drunk, binged while drunk, ate the next day due to a hangover and a "fuck it" attitude, then got my period.
so i'm fat. and disgusting. and i hate myself.
fruit "fasting" tomorrow. as in it's the only time they'll have fresh berries and melon for the next month at the dining center tomorrow, and i'm craving something healthy!!
trying to do under fifty calories for the rest of the week. might take that adderall i've been saving as a cheat. i just need to see a real change. the weeks before school's over are getting less and less. and then it's bikini season. and then i have to be around my family who will make me eat again. so i need to stay committed.

hope you're all doing well
got to get to schoolwork again
love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

Faaaasting.

2010-03-20T03:47:00.000-04:00

FASTING TODAYY!! (saturday)
and i'm actually really really excited about this.

is that weird?

ps.
i have a fake girl-crush (i am supersupersuperstraight. like the male organs too much) on some pretty blonde named amy, who apparently is in my abnormal psych class.
preparing to outline 20+ psych studies and write 6-7+ pages of my psych paper today.
time for adderall, perhaps? Perhaps.

looove&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

finally things are moving up, and the weight's going down

2010-03-18T22:46:00.002-04:00

well, hello!
(sense the better mood?) it sometimes strikes me as sad that a little bit of weight loss and feeling like i've got control over something and can be successful puts me in a better mood. i joined that blog 10-day weight-loss competition and so far it's going well. i ate more than i intended yesterday but was definitely still at weight loss level (~500 calories) and i dropped a few pounds (as of this morning)! By the end of today i was down to 120.5, hooray! even though that's still huge, the numbers are going down. wonderful. all i ate today was a salad (~a little bit of lettuce, a few pieces of tomato, a few edamame beans) which was probably somewhere between 25-50 calories. lovely.
at this rate, i hope to be down to my stagnant weight (116) in like five days. we'll see how that goes because i know technically my body should only burn off a half pound a day. so anything more doesn't really make sense, since even if i exercise to the max it'll probably only add like one more pound off a week. lame.

aside from that school is actually kind of stressing me out. i have a huge paper due sunday night that i've barely started, and things just seem to be piling up already and we only have six weeks left before finals (WHAT?! WHERE DID FRESHMAN YEAR GO?? give it backkk). luckily finals is two weeks long, and i'll only have two new papers to write and one to edit and resubmit. Totally doable. I could do that in like four or five days. Plus all that extra time without having classes and other work means I can go to the gym more and go to work more, because i'm in desperate need of money. I'm also looking forward to the end because our school does this huge two-day party on the green as soon as classes end where they have things like moonbounces and hire bands and everyone's just totally trashed the whole time. should be fun. then in the middle of the two weeks my a cappella group is doing recording for a cd, at some place in philly! and then after finals i have five weeks to hopefully work a little, relax a bit, and then i'm off to be a camp counselor for the last year. i'm hoping to go back at the low weight i went in at two summers ago, when i was 92 lbs. take that other skinny bitch counselors. i'll be hotter than you again.

anyway i hope all you guys are doing well and i hope the weather is nice for you (because it's 60+ degrees here!! this never happens here in march!!)
also i hope you're all doing well with your weight goals,
it's hard, definitely, but we can all do this, really,
even if you've had a bad month (or a bad couple months, years) you can start over,
that's the best part: the weight will come off again. really, it will. just knowing that is a relief.
looove&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

ps. here's some Kaya Scodelario thinspo. She plays Effie on the british tv drama "Skins". If you haven't heard of it or haven't seen it, GO. Watch it NOW! It's awesome, and the first series has a lovely thin ana girl named Cassie who's quirky and adorable to idolize (i'll give you some of her thinspo later). Last episode of the second series tonight! (well tomorrow for us silly americans who have to watch it on youtube or whatever tomorrow)

Let's compete.

2010-03-17T00:10:00.002-04:00

So my superskinny guy friend from home (he's still a senior in high school) told me he can't visit me at school this month because during his free week (when the rest of the seniors are on senior trip at disneyworld, and he chose to save money and stay home) he will be participating in a sort of "biggest loser" competition with another friend. They're basically running, going to the gym together blah blah all week. not like he needs it. Whatever. And today I was reading The Skinny Waste and she mentioned A COMPETITION (!!) a fellow blogger has started at her blog Miss Burton In Wonderland. 10 days. Post current stats, and daily stats, and a goal for the end of the 10 days. Granted I always feel at a disadvantage in these things as a result of being short and therefor my body burning fewer calories on its own and during exercise and such. So i'm just trying to set a goal for myself, and hopefully my body will follow suit.

Guess it's time to own up then, I've ballooned up to 123 lbs. Which is disgusting and is horribly, a new high weight. :( I'm super disappointed but i guess i should have expected it after eating horribly and drinking all of spring break. But now i'm even more committed especially because i'll have to report everyday and look at everyone else's progress! Sounds great.

I went to my first aerobics class today, which was good but i hadn't eaten all day and hadn't drank much water so i started to feel faint after about a half hour and had to sit for a few minutes (silly me, i know i always pass out when i'm dehydrated. even if i'm not exercising!). but i got back up and it was great. apparently my abdominal muscles aren't completely gone even though i stopped working those out months ago, and my leg muscles are there too, just grossly covered by fat. I can't stop staring at the pictures of my friends and i on my walls when i was 100 pounds, 95 pounds, etc. I look so much better. I'm going to do it! Also I have about nine and half weeks of school left where no one can force me to eat and i have free (well, truly, paid for in tuition i suppose) gym access. Might as well use it to my advantage. Even if i only lose a measly 3-4 pounds each week i'll be back down to the double digits by the time i leave for summer vacation. and that would be perfect. TIME TO GET SERIOUS AGAIN. eating today went okay actually, even though i did have dinner because i felt sick and truly afraid i would pass out, it was much better than these binge-filled days. I am back on track. I hope you all feel that way too!

Also a reallyyy reallyy huge thanks to Ella, who commented on my last post. Hearing that i was your thinspiration made me feel so good, and your confidence in me is so helpful. It made me realize I CAN do this, i've done it before, and it got so easy with a little bit of time. It's so great to know that people are reading and trying too, and inspiring each other. THANK YOU!

love&lotsofluckladies,

thinking thin, thin, thinner,

<3 anastasia kirstyn

AHH

2010-03-15T19:38:00.000-04:00

i'm depressed and fat (gained weight over spring break, great)
and can't stop fucking this up by eating at the end of the day
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??

going to meals with my friends keeps messing me up. making me think it's okay to eat.
iwillnotgotomealsfortherestoftheweek.iwillnotgotomealsthisweek.iwillnotgotomealsthisweek.
ahhhhh!

mm willa holland

2010-03-14T03:18:00.000-04:00

hey all,

don't have much to say. my superstrict plan starts tomorrow (well today i guess, given the time), since i'll be back at school. i'm not going into details out of fear i'll jinx it, but i'm committed. i have to drop all this weight by the end of the semester, otherwise it'll be much harder to hide eating habits once i'm home.

leaving you with a little willa holland thinspo. she played kaitlyn cooper on the OC (lovee). also she's got a gorgeous face.

love&luck,

anastasia kirstyn

there are so many of us scattered around

2010-03-11T04:45:00.003-05:00

sorry it's been a little bit. i went down the shore with my two friends for a few days. couldn't really post on this.

got drunk every night. two nights ago my friend Car and i got to talking. she saw the lines on my arms, told me how she used to do that. how she almost tried to kill herself. lying on the ground, knife aimed at her heart. i've never wanted to end it all like that, but we had people over that night and i guess i was flirting with some guy a bit, cause that's how i always am when i'm drunk, even if i want nothing from it, and my other friend just comes up to me and says in my ear "he's not into it, okay?".
so then i found something sharp, and cut up the skin on my thighs again. it had been a while, really, i thought i was done with it. apparently rejection or feeling unwanted is what makes me most want to do it. rejection's hard for me. i normally get any guy i want.

so car and i talked, and then we got to talking about our eating disorders, cause we both have them. she used to be anorexic, and she over exercised like crazy, and then she just became bulimic. i didn't know this, but she still is now. throws up two or three times a day sometimes. it was really different but nice to get to talk to someone who's been there, and is kind of in the same place right now. not someone who's going to try to tell me to stop, because she's in it right now too. not that you all aren't amazing, reading your blogs and getting comments is so helpful. it was just nice to know that one of my best friends knows exactly how it's going for me, but isn't going to tell me to stop. my two other best friends (the four of us hang out together) have had/sometimes still have eating issues too, but they always always always get mad and tell me to stop. i told her car i'd been successfully losing and wanted to keep going, and she just said "of course. we're always trying. always."

sometimes i wonder if this will ever go away. and then i wonder if i want it to. i don't. at least not right now.

i made new rules. in essence it's no day over 500 calories. i want to hit the double digits. and really, really want to hit 90 pounds before the spring semester ends and it will get more complicated around people to restrict. that gives me approximately nine weeks. to lose somewhere between 20 and 30 pounds. i think. if i go really minimal on the eating (like under 100 calories a day), that it's totally possible. i think at the smallest loss, it would be three pounds a week. but it will probably be more, especially in the beginning, and more with exercise. also i'm going to start trying to buy adderall more often (even though i'm basically broke), like for the weekends and stuff so i don't have to drink but can have some sort of change, and there's the added bonus of it suppressing your appetite. also i'm afraid of any harder drugs, and my friends at my college don't really do anything like that. weed makes you hungry. plus i don't like it.

well, loves, i hope you're all doing really well,
sorry it's been a few days, comment or something, and i'll start commenting again because i feel like i've disconnected from you,
and to the couple of you i've been following who have just stopped their blogs, maybe for the hope of something better than this life, i wish you lots of luck and strength, i hope all goes well,
lovelovelove&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

trigger me, please

2010-03-06T01:45:00.000-05:00

random things from today.
i'm home, for spring break. went to see my brother play at his high school acoustic coffeehouse tonight. twas lovely. we had to get those silly supersticky paper bracelet things on our wrists (i suppose, one would call them wristbands...haha) and the guy who was putting mine on was so shocked at how little my wrist was. which makes me both happy and sad. happy because it means i have a really small bone structure (i do that whole thumb to index finger around the wrist thing and i have extra space...and i have small hands). but sad because i feel like it's the only thin part of my body. gross.

while driving with my mother in the car she mentioned to me she thinks my brother isn't eating right because he keeps getting sick, and when she picked him up from school once she discovered all his sandwiches from lunch in the top of his locker. i'm sure he's eating (though he's naturally superthin), just not sandwiches, probably crap (lucky bastard). then she decides to remember out loud how i used to not eat my sandwiches, but that she knew i threw them away so she would think i was eating. "all i had to do was look at you to know you weren't eating". "actually, i was. you just didn't believe me." and back then, i did eat (i think), and i lost one lousy pound a week. i just got light. what i didn't say after that was how her not believing me triggered me, made me not eat, led me to binge, HELLO BULIMIA. thanks, mom. not that it's her fault. preexisting risk factors, onset brought on by specific triggers. i know, i know.
terribly, her saying that she thought i didn't eat before, and her clearly thinking i'm over all that, i've grown out of it, makes me even more motivated to not eat. did you know there are two average ages of onset for anorexia? age 14 and age 18. for bulimia it's 16 (check, been there, done that, right on time) looks like i'm right on track. great.

whatever. since i'm home this week it will be more difficult than usual to restrict. but i don't care, no one can make me, and i am sick with a sore throat, so i'm using this excuse. plus i'm huge so it's not like they think i haven't been eating (or trying). after i get back to school i'm full-on restricting for sure. also i signed up for an aerobics class with my friends that meets twice a week. and i have to go because we're required PE credit at our college (almost all the students are skinny-normal here. seriously it's moderately ridiculous.) so that will be extra calories burnt on tuesdays and thursdays!

well i'm off, happy weekend everyone!
love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

just fucking do it already.

2010-03-04T00:14:00.000-05:00

i keep fucking this up.

by eating.

somebody tell me, how i can do this. inspire me?

i want to fast tomorrow.

i can do it, right?

right. it's called thinspiration for a reason.

other reasons would be that spring is around the corner

and i want to look damn good in some short shorts.

also. if i just suck it up and commit to this totally

i could hit double digits in 3-4 weeks.

something crazy? i don't completely hate myself when i'm in the double digits.

it matters. it's also underweight level. 99 lbs. that's a landmark number for me.

just fucking do it already, i'm sick of this.

st. vincent, st. vincent (annie you are beautiful)

2010-03-03T02:23:00.000-05:00

listen to her. look at her.

beautiful.

ah St. Vincent

2010-03-02T21:38:00.000-05:00

i forgot to mention (and i'm not sure how)
that i saw St. Vincent play last thursday night. Annie Clark is basically one of the most beautiful human beings ever. She also covered These Days (by Nico...well i don't think hers was first, but that's the one i listen to) and basically made me fall in love with her. she was absolutely amazing live. wow. if you ever get the chance. go, see her. i can't stop listening to her either, now. all day. on repeat.

thank you for all the comments of support, they're really helping me pull through.
hope you're all doing well,
love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

(i didn't take this, but this is how she looked that night)

and of course, she's so thin...

i can't not be thin anymore, i just can't handle it

2010-03-01T23:07:00.000-05:00

i've basically failed over and over again lately.
and today i failed, but not as badly as i have been.
luckily it is a new month. a fresh start. i just don't think i can handle not being thin any more. i hate myself, i avoid the mirror, i don't feel comfortable in my own skin. i haven't been able to bring myself to step on the scale for a few days, i'm so afraid of what it will say.

so the plan is 100 calories tops a day for today through friday.
continued restriction as best as possible but nothing over 500 calories for the week that i'm home.
(saturday i have to go home for spring break) and i'm afraid because my family will want me to/expect me to eat. but i'm going to try and work the "being sick" excuse out for as long as possible and then the "going out to dinner with friends" excuse. my mother is still continually bothered by my eating habits, she knows they're moderately messed up, and sometimes she freaks out. but i remember recently hearing her say to my stepdad something like "i don't care anymore if she wants to be unhealthy let her do it!" probably just a moment of frustration but whatever. it's just one week, she can't make me do anything.

i think i've been having a lot of trouble truly realising and accepting the fact that i definitely became briefly anorexic and then bulimic two years ago. i never really looked at it that way, and the fact that i didn't realise it for so long is kind of freaking me out. a lot. also i'm at the point where i could never talk to anyone about it, because i'm not thin enough yet. and admitted this has bothered me, affected me, would mean something crazier like 'recovery' or just general 'therapy', which i'm not about to do. especially if i'm not underweight. sigh. i really am fucked up.

i hope you're all doing better than me, and are taking this new month as a fresh start as well,
love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

all i want from life today

2010-02-28T15:34:00.000-05:00

all i want from life today is to be skinny&pretty forever, stay cozy in bed listening to music (beach house, bowerbirds, dirty projectors, today), read blogs, watch skins, and look at pictures of pretty, thin people. oh and to drink this wonderful coke cherry zero which i am thoroughly enjoying. and actually, i would like to do this all week long.

instead i have two essays to write by tomorrow, and three more by friday. bollocks.
spring break starts for me friday at five. it is going to be a long week. but it is going to be a weight loss week. i've decided.

lots of luck skinnies,
anastasia kirstyn

smelling of cigarettes, ethereal floating

2010-02-27T05:09:00.000-05:00

right now i smell of cigarettes. and laundry soap of some other person who must have worn/washed my sweater. tonight was beautiful to me.

i decided for the first time in a month to drink (i've been trying to avoid empty calories) and it's been a serious commitment but tonight i kind of just wanted to let loose a little. it was perfect, and now i think this good feeling can sustain me for the next month. i'm trying to do a five-week serious restriction plan to get down to my ultimate goal. when i think about how short five weeks is, i feel like i can do it. yesterday went really well, i haven't gained back as much as i was afraid of. today eating was bad because i drank and lost inhibition so i ate when i was drunk. another reason not to do it for a while.

tonight was beautiful because i really enjoyed my friends, and i hung around with this girl in my lit and french class i really like; honestly i find her beautiful and captivating. and she is. and so passionate (english major). the strangest part is, i think that, but she's not thin. like not ideal thin the way we crazies look at it. she's average but she has the most beautiful face, and, it must be her personality or something about her air. i kind of love her. anyway. i also loved tonight because i was in a version of drunkenness where i just felt sort of ethereal and like i was floating amidst the masses. went to one of those weekly concerts in our college's basement space. people everywhere. a wonderful band played that was just kind of mellow and i think brought the entire crowd down in a lovely sort of lulling way. i'm having difficulty describing it but it was kind of magical. i was even all stuck in my own head the way i always am when intoxicated. or all the time really, i suppose that's just me. my two best friends here, they get drunk and they're sort of a package deal. they get all giggly and crazy together. which is great for them, and there i am, always, keeping up the composure, even though i feel differently on the inside. i suppose that's how i always am, really. i seem fine, or moderately so, at least, normal, to everyone around me but if they saw inside my head they'd know just how out of it i really am. seems that's just me, then. drunk or not. there's always that disconnect.

my friends looked at two girls on my hall tonight. gawking at the skinnies. but saying they just thought they're sick-looking (and no they don't have EDs at all, you can tell. carefree, beer-drinking, dessert-eating skinny bitches. really skinny.) i just thought to myself how funny it was, because they are my ideal. perfection.

sorry, sleep is overtaking me. bedtime. more later lovelies.
also thank you for the beautiful comments.
it makes me feel so amazing to know you feel the same, that you want to keep my words and read them, because we share this experience. it kind of sucks we're all going through it, but it's a bit of a light to feel not so alone.
love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

today

2010-02-25T00:36:00.000-05:00

today i've turned my back on mia, this strange, trickery version of mia that made me 'binge-restrict-binge-restrict' two years ago before i even realized it was her, before i even heard that she had that power; she found me and captured me in a roundabout way, i didn't even know. i don't throw up, so i've never known mia (wrong, so wrong. look how well she tricked you.) mia who whispers suddenly, strongly into my head "if you don't eat all of this right now, you'll never have the same chance. just eat it. NOW. GO!" what fucking lies. mia has become this incessant, neverending cycle i've been caught in. a circle. round. which is exactly how you'll stay as long as you let her creep into your head.

today i turn back to ana. a long, straight line. a road, the further down it you go the thinner it appears in the distance. you don't turn back from her, she leads you, straight ahead. thinner, thinner, thinner. a thin red bracelet sneaks its way around my wrist today. this is my choice. i alone have the control i need.

i don't want to eat anymore.

2010-02-23T22:21:00.001-05:00

i don't want to eat anymore.

i don't want to.

whether i eat or not, i feel sick, i feel tired, i feel disconnected from life, i feel disconnected from people.
and i want to be thin, and weak, and frail. i will stay tired, and disconnected, but i will be connected to me, i will get what i want.
and i don't want to eat anymore.

thanks, anyway.

iamsofatiamsofat

2010-02-22T18:03:00.001-05:00

ifeelsofatifeelsofatifeelsofatifeelsofatiamsofat.

not to mention sitting in abnormal psych twice a week just makes me feel more and more like i meet the criteria for bulimia.
oh and learned something to clarify: there are two subtypes of both anorexia and bulimia
bulimia is split into "purging subtype" and "nonpurging subtype". purging-type involves actually getting rid of the food from the body (ie. throwing up. laxatives.), whereas non-purging-type involves other methods of making up for the consumption of calories (ie. restriction/fasting, exercise). it is a compensatory method, and in a way it's "purging" but just not as literally.
in the same vein, anorexia is divided into and restricting subtype and a binge-and-purging subtype. the only clear, distinctive difference between anorexia and bulimia (for meeting diagnostic criteria) is weight. anorexics are at a BMI lower than 18.5 (or less than 85% of their ideal body weight) and bulimics are above that. so basically, anorexic binge-and-purgers are just lighter, and probably have fewer episodes, sometimes they start out at a lower weight, or they have a faster metabolism, etc etc individual differences. i'm not entirely sure of all the specifics.

sorry if you don't want to hear all that, it's just been shoved at me the past few classes.
also i have a friendcrush in that class (haha). meaning. i want to be friends with this guy cause he seems awesome. there's a thread about him on our own collegeacb.com discussion board. haha. okay. moving on. naptime. thanks for letting me get that out.

love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

not again, you broken record

2010-02-22T01:48:00.000-05:00

so. ate horribly again today. i don't know what's with me, but i do know that going to meals is what's triggering this eating. letting people drag me to meals is not allowed to happen. i'm starting this 7-day grapefruit cleanse over and i'm sticking to it, that's the only option. i will not slip back into this starving/gaining everything back pattern again. i'm sick of it.

maybe when i drop my calories so low, sure, i get hungry which hurts a little, i get really tired, i get weak.
but even if i do choose to eat i feel fat, i feel disgustingly full, i feel lethargic anyway from eating too much at once. i feel worse. i hate myself. i hate my body. i even hate my face with its little bits of excess weight here and there. the skin not pulling at my bone structure like it does when i'm thinner. i like feeling empty. i love seeing the numbers go down. i'm living for it. i will be successful. i will continue losing. i will win. also i just ordered two beautiful pairs of abercrombie size 0s jeans (don't get too excited, i'm 5'2" and i've never gone beyond a size 2, i've always been skinny-average). and i won't put them on until they fit perfectly.

also i had this crazy scary dream that one of my best friends became a follower on here, meaning she knew me and had read through the whole thing and knew what was going on. it totally freaked me out for my first few waking minutes. anyway. new week. fresh start. and absolutely not allowed to go to the dining center. no. no. no. no. take a nap. a shower. go to the gym. anything but. i will not step foot in that building. i just don't have the self-control right now.

much better luck than i've been having,
stay focused,
love,
anastasia kirstyn

(motivation one: look like this in new jeans)

(motivation two: i have this shirt. look like this in it again.)

(be in control.)

i did it anyway

2010-02-20T00:34:00.002-05:00

i knew i was going to do it. and i did it. yesterday i ate and ate and ate until my stomach felt like it was going to burst. then i ate a little more. i didn't even enjoy the taste.

i've never felt so much stomach pain in my life. i've taken about a million pepto-bismol tablets. perhaps this will serve as a reminder that binges after serious restriction are pretty much the worst idea ever, in multiple ways.
7-day grapefruit cleanse is starting tomorrow (well, today, saturday) because it hurts too much to even think about putting anything significant into my stomach. i'm pretty sure i'll be able to stick this one out, given i feel so utterly disgusting. who knows though, i just keep fucking up.
however i found one of those countdown clocks that does a 'count-back' type thing, mine being 'time since a binge'. i'm pretty much trying to never have to reset it. i'm now at 3 hours and 21 minutes (well, since the end of the day's eating really). bingeing is the most disgusting thing ever. ugh.

i'm choosing to believe though, that this will be serious motivation to get through the next two weeks (it seems my tipping point for a binge has only extended to a week, which always makes the week's loss pointless, as i gain it all back with the binge). i'm not going to the dining center. i'm not looking at what they're serving. i have no food in my room. just grapefruit. i know i've said this before, but each time i get closer and closer and the eating gets more spaced out. what sucks is that right now, given my weight and these ridiculous restricting/bingeing habits i'm basically bulimic. i really would like to get rid of that title. it just implies that i'm not successful enough to be skinny enough to meet the anorexia criteria. lame.

something happier later. i'm exhausted again on four hours of sleep (screw you two friday essays being due). sorry this was kind of a bitchy rant.
to add to it, i'm out of my mind jealous and sick of hearing about my friend L's new boyfriend and how cute he is and how much she likes him and every little detail of them spending time together. i love her and i'm happy for her but god it just reminds me of how incapable i am of finding anyone to care about/who cares for me. i haven't felt anything for anyone in five years. maybe it's because i'm so self-absorbed and focused on beautiful things.
luck to all of you,
anastasia kirstyn

ridiculous

2010-02-19T00:44:00.003-05:00

i've been eating today. too much too much too much.
thinking about my one very catholic friend giving up something she loves for lent. giving it up for something symbolic. something she feels is worth it. it's a miniscule amount of time in the grand scheme of her life. i need to just give up all those additional calories, turn away from food, for something inherently more important and gratifying: being thin. i don't love food. i hate it. it represents the antithesis of what i desire. honestly, if i just committed to this for even three to four weeks, i'd already hit underweight level. three weeks? there are fifty-two of them in a year. it's ridiculous to even think about not being able to do that, when you look at it that way. i have plenty of weeks to have a little more food. i need to be devoted to attaining the weight, the body i want, that i feel is a truer image of who i am, how i feel.
i'm starting a grapefruit cleanse on sunday. only half a grapefruit. every day. for seven days. i need to work up to it, however, that's why it's sunday. minimal eating for the next two days. i'm sorry i've been so bad and i've binged and not bounced back. but my binges have gotten fewer and further between. and i want this so badly. so badly.

i am exhausted, exhausted, exhausted.
   and cold. always cold.

   also i've moved onto my legs as my new canvas for my straight red lines.
   no one gets to see these. they're for me.
   this is all for me.

   and were we ever happy?

mind flitterings

2010-02-17T17:42:00.000-05:00

today i told my friend i'm giving up chips for three weeks. "are you going to start eating real food to make up for that?" oh, so you've noticed. and the other day, my other friend "yeah but you never eat anyway," and another "yeah all you eat is celery and lettuce". i wonder what they'll say as the weight keeps coming off. the weight isn't noticeable yet. i wonder if i can keep this up, and get down to 100 or less by spring break (17 days. 17 days of minimal eating. if the weight loss keeps going at the rate it was, and i'm successful, i should be able to). my best friend at home will notice, last time she said to me "really though? switching out the anorexia for cutting? it doesn't help. you should stop." well look now, i've fallen back to my old ways, with more success than before. sorry.

i'm mostly trying to lose so fast so i can already be thinner when i see my mother again, so she'll think i lost the weight healthily over a period of seven weeks, instead of three or four. she's not naive, she'll suspect it. but she can't prove anything anymore. and i'll just have hit underweight level, so she really can't force anything on me. maybe i'll only go home for a few days, come back to school early, so i won't be forced to eat. maybe i'll just "go out to eat with my friends" all week long. i have a feeling she'll be watching me a lot. i will not let her pressure force me to gain anything.

but, that's 17 days away, right now i just need to focus on losing. the fasting today is going well. six hours and twenty minutes to go (not that i'm going to eat at midnight, it's just symbolic.) i have nothing here to binge on. i'm skipping dinner. i sat in my other psych class earlier today, smelling the overpowering scent of pizza and fries that a few people had brought from lunch as take-out. i did not go to the dining center after. i drank a diet soda. also the boy in front of me spent a good ten minutes disgustingly chewing off piece after piece of a huge carrot stick. even though it was a vegetable, just his eating made me so sick, so distracted. i don't want food today.

today the lecture in abnormal psychology was on anorexia. my professor tried to shock us with "i once had a patient who only ate 300 calories a day". hilarious, professor, my goal is under 100. today, it's zero. will you notice, in a month? or are the 35 students in the class just too many to see us? i've been sitting in the front row. perhaps i'll move to the back. continue to keep my coat on for the entire lecture. what can you do anyway, i'm eighteen.

time for a nap (not eating actually does make me exhausted, yet makes it really hard for me to get to sleep at night) and more virginia woolf. i've been reading all your blogs incessantly, in my free time: they're reassuring, and inspiring, we're not alone, stay strong.

love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

tuesday update

2010-02-16T23:36:00.000-05:00

okso i skipped out on the ice cream cake at the birthday party. but i did slip and have some chips and a few pieces of candy.

and so i have revised my plan. i'm doing every other day fasting for the next five days. full day of fasting tomorrow. allowing 40 calories thursday, in grapefruit or salad (only fruits and veggies) if i feel like i need it. then fasting again friday. allowing 60 calories of fruits or veggies saturday, if i need it. and fasting again sunday. i'm trying to get down to my next goal of 106.0, so i'm trying to keep it really low until then, when maybe i'll give myself one day with some more calories than that. i really seem to be an all-or-nothing type, so just denying myself completely seems like the only way to go.

also, in the spirit of lent (even though i'm not catholic, and don't do that), i'm joining in (slightly). i'm not allowing myself one chip or piece of candy until i hit 98 pounds. added to that is dessert in general which i don't care that much about and don't eat anyway (cookies, pie, ice cream, etc). i'm really just not a fan, and i'm lactose intolerant. really it looks like my food choices for the next few weeks will be fruits, vegetables, and maybe a few crackers or a little cereal every once in a while; it's bad for me to try and cut out all bread products at once, that leads to binges. but i'm feeling good about it. and i'm telling my friends (although i'm just telling them i'm cutting them out for three weeks, so they don't think i'm trying to lose weight) so they won't let me eat them in their presence. which is the only times i have been, at random parties/gettogethers.

i wish everyone else luck with what they're giving up!
love,
anastasia kirstyn

ps.
my friend was so surprised about her birthday party!! we got her new boyfriend in on it to distract her, and she didn't suspect a thing!

(kate moss. a goddess)

better, but still, weighted

2010-02-16T18:50:00.002-05:00

firstly, thank you all for your motivational comments to keep going, that slip-ups happen to all of us. and they definitely do. so my words to you are to not give up, you will get there, mistakes happen. we're here for each other, and i'd just like to extend my support. more thanks to even more followers, i'm feeling so popular today, haha.

that said, today has been good. i only woke up to find 110.5 on the scale, so the damage hasn't been that bad (or so it appears, so far). i haven't eaten today, and don't plan to. tomorrow should go okay also. i didn't go to the gym, being that i am absolutely exhausted and have piles of work to do. i did however walk home (briskly, if you will) from cvs, listening to the dirty projectors all the way. i've missed them!
today i also applied to a few babysitting jobs online, as i realized i'm probably going to run out of money spending (on what? i don't even know) as much as i do. and continuing to hate my workstudy job. so hopefully i'll get babysitting jobs and make some extra-tax-free cash.

hope everyone else's days are going well, i'm off to read, read, read (it honestly is all i do with my life these days),
love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

(and yet, peculiarly, today is one of those days i just feel heavy and weighed down by any and all the things that bother me in the world. one of those days where i wish i was that little girl again, finding myself in the clouds with my mother, no preoccupations with food, or weight, or a skewed body image pulling me back from enjoying life in the normal ways. tonight we're having a birthday party for one of my best friends. i won't eat the cake. i won't let one chip touch my lips. and that, is heavy. but at the same, i wouldn't give it up. i know if i did eat them, i would feel miles worse than i already do. if i did eat normally, i wouldn't lose this weight that's been making me hate myself for months, making me feel as if it's not really me all these people are seeing. the real me found comfort in her 93-pound frame, in being smaller, lighter, more delicate, fragile. it was as if my outside matched the inside, and people looked at me with more concern, care, and caution. it's as if i don't warrant sympathy when i'm bigger. yesterday a girl on my hall caught a glimpse of the cuts covering my left arm when i momentarily forgot about them while going into the shower. she didn't say anything, but with the look on her face i realized, and i felt so ashamed. but it's like i can't even accept sympathy for that, i'm just not thin enough yet. i feel crazy)

failure

2010-02-16T00:58:00.000-05:00

so i binged. what a fucking failure.
i don't think i've ever felt this defeated from a binge ever. honestly. i never want to binge again. i'm heartbroken. and we all know. binges are hardly enjoyable. and that was a real one. not like an "oh i'm eating more than usual for a few days blahblahblah", like a straight-outta-the-textbook definition of a binge: eating abnormal amounts of food uncontrollably in under a two-hour period of time. i'd say it was fifteen minutes. it was tortilla chips and salsa, crackers, and fucking valentine's candy.

i thought about it, however.
and, caloriewise, i should only gain like a pound of real weight back, unless my metabolism is totally shut down. i kind of doubt it with how quick the weight's been coming off though.
gonna try to go to the gym at least three times this week. obviously, fasting for the next two days. then reevaluating whether i should keep fasting or not, but not stepping above 100 calories at all for the next five days. i did this last week, and it worked fabulously. it's making me feel better.

also. things to make me happier. today my friend's sister (whom i just met) told her that she thought i was the cutest person ever, that my face was supercute. how nice.
on friday, one my friends from school (a brutally, yet genuinely honest one) told me (out of nowhere) that she absolutely thinks i'm hot. which is nice to hear, even if i don't believe it myself. she was serious. that's her logic for half the reason i get so many guys.
also i got a message from my mom on fb today: "Kirstyn. [she calls me that] Do you remember me? Once we laid on the lawn and found ourselves in the clouds. And now you are in college... And sometimes I miss you." Heartbreaking? Absolutely. But so sweet. It makes me feel bad for how distant we had to become because of my eating issues. it's a big deal to her. so i've had to lie a lot.

anyway, i'm sad. and i feel like i've let you down. but that's why these next few days are fasting days. i threw out the rest of the candy (magically, i didn't eat it all!) and i'm walking to cvs tomorrow to stock up on calorie-free flavored water, and then going to the gym. i'm back in control.

love&more luck than i just had,
anastasia kirstyn

hit first goal weight!

2010-02-15T17:16:00.001-05:00

another quick update, but expect something lengthier later tonight...

i hit my first goal weight!! 110.0 lbs! which is six pounds loss in the past six days. this is real. i haven't been this low since like this past july-august. now onto the next goal. hopefully my suitemate won't notice...

also i want to give a quick thankyou to all my new followers! 23, wow! that's amazing. i hope you're all doing well on your own journeys!

love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

five lbs in five good days

2010-02-15T02:21:00.002-05:00

just a brief update.
checked the scale at the end of the day (sunday). 111.0
i've lost at least 5 pounds in the past 5 days. why did i ever stop restricting before? the happiness i get from a lower number on the scale every day is incomparable to most other things in my life. for one, that's how i know i'm not right, in a conventional sense. on the other hand, it makes it easier to eat less, easier to lose, and still makes me happier in general. i feel like since i haven't even come close to a binge for these past five days, it's like i've surpassed it. i'm either fasting or doing only 100 calories tomorrow. i haven't decided. but i know i won't go over that. i turned down so much food today (tons of candy, cookies, a bagel) and i can sit at dinner and not eat a thing, just sipping my diet coke or water. hunger means nothing to me. i know if i eat anyway, it will only be a little, which won't make the hunger go away, so it's pointless. god how i've missed this control. i haven't really felt it so strongly since i was a junior in high school.

also: i like this losing way too much.

lovee,
anastasia kirstyn

(surprised at how easy this is becoming)

(and way too happy about it for me to be a normal person)

whatever. i'm gonna ride this out as long as it lasts for me.

lazy days, smoke-filled basements

2010-02-14T17:04:00.001-05:00

so yesterday was good. i recommend seeing that movie, Valentine's Day, it was really cute and happy, and i actually laughed a lot (which doesn't often happen with movies). philly was...snowy, icy, cold, but a nice change from our tiny campus in an upscale area. at dinner i basically just picked at the lettuce in my salad, and managed to turn down the garlic bread and all the other things on the menu! i'm so glad. ah and i bought four new pairs of earrings, which i lovee! and am so excited about. also being in the city involved tons of walking, which is a plus since i haven't managed to get my lazy ass to the gym yet. i'm a bum, i know.

when we got back to campus i made it in time to catch the last half hour of that band i wanted to see. god that's one my favorite atmospheres...dorm basement with the small stage, low lights, band playing, the temperature risen from all the bodies, drunk kids, horny kids, old, but comfy sinking couches, the cafe in the connected room, and getting to smoke inside (finally, i hate smoking outside and freezing my fingers off)

after that i was dead tired and went back to my friend's room. we made tissue paper heart chains, haha. we're having a valentine's gettogether tonight. one of them just got asked out today by this supercute, sweet boy!! like now they're "in a relationship". i love it! i feel like i'm living vicariously because if i had a boyfriend he'd probably get sick of me or i'd fuck it up because i seem to have so many problems (eating/weight/body image issues, cutting issues, blahblahblah). that on top of the fact that i feel quite self-centered at this age and point in my life. even so, i'm kind of getting tired of all the random sex. i haven't even done it in like two weeks. also, though, i haven't really been drinking for two weeks because i've been trying to keep my calories really low, and alcohol is really what triggers my weekend hookups. whatever. i've had so much sex these past few months, it really doesn't matter to me right now.

well, i'm going to nap or something and then head to dinner (don't worry, i'm not eating). oh right, i'll give you my intake for the past two days, because i did eat a little.
yesterday: lettuce & tomatoes (~20)
   7 crackers (100)
   total: 120
today, so far (planning on that being it):
   1 mini-reese's (25)
   m&m's(30)
   grapefruit (100)
   cereal (225)
   total: 380

   yea yea, the candy, the sugar. but it's valentine's day. it was practically forced on me. but you'll be proud, my friend brought me a bagel from breakfast (unasked for, trust me) and i simply smelled it and threw it away! with thoughts of "later, later, once you're thin enough, once you're trying to maintain". i'm getting to be pro at this. i love bagels. maybe, depending on how much i lose this week, i'll have just one (or a half of one) next weekend, with one little pack of cream cheese (so i can count exactly how many calories). we'll see. i was still 112.0 today, kind of expected that, since technically my body only burns about 1500 calories a day (that's actually a pretty low estimate, just to be safe) just from doing like normal walking around, and a loss of one pound is 3500 calories. so given my little exercise, i should only really be losing a pound every two days. unless my body is magically burning more calories than i think, but i highly doubt that.

well, love&luck everyone,
and happy valentine's day!
(come on, it's really not that bad, even if you're single. it doesn't mean much)
anastasia kirstyn <3

(exactly. perfect.)

112.0? magic.

2010-02-13T14:10:00.002-05:00

so i didn't even get the chance to be happy about getting to 113.0, because today when i woke up i was 112.0 (!!) it seems fasting is working. (also, is it terrible how much happier losing weight makes me? probably.)

have a lovely day ladies, mine is really busy (going into the city, coming back for parties & shows) but i'll tell you all about it once it's over. also i'm ordering clothes online this weekend. hopefully those badass shoes i've been ogling over all week (see posts below). and a new circle scarf from american apparel. yay.

love&luck,

anastasia kirstyn

(things my day will include)

(marlboro menthols, mm. and texting, comme toujours)

(train rides. eye makeups. yum)

(friends! and heels!)

don't be a self-righteous bitch, bitch.

2010-02-13T02:56:00.000-05:00

so thank god, the wonderful man from maintenance fixed the leak on the roof. and my room is dry! although i still have to wash my sheets, great.

since i was 113.5 this morning i'm reaaally hoping for 113.0 when i wake up, which would put me back on track from starting last week(assuming i lose a minimum of two pounds every week). today did eat a little, but it was two slices of grapefruit (20) and one mini-reese's peanut butter cup (25), which puts me at 45 calories for today, which is still under 50. right now i'm afraid of a few things: a)my weight stagnating. i know my metabolism is fucked up from all the disordered eating i've done for the past three years, so i really hope it doesn't just shut down from the fasting/low intake. therefore i am also afraid b)to up my intake above like, 200 calories, for fear somehow it will make me gain the weight back. i guess i'll reevaluate it in a few days to see if i've lost anymore, because i'm still sticking with under 100 per day right now. i've been avoiding going to meals, and because of that i actually haven't been craving food at all. i think i'm kind of one of those "all or nothing" types. if you give me a little, i'll want the whole plate plus another. if i just don't touch it at all, i won't eat anything for days. i feel like right now i'll probably try to stick at a superlow intake until either i stop losing this quickly, or once i hit like 107-105, which was my high weight for all of the last school year (crazily, i only hit my highest weight at the end of the summer...i was fine before that. whatabitch).

ugh. there is one thing that will make this rapid loss difficult. my one suitemate. unfortunately everyone on my hall knows about my eating problems, and my closest friends, who live on the other hall, on the same floor as me. my closest friend here has had friends/boyfriends with eating issues forever, so she knows she can't control me and that if she tries, it will hurt her. so she lets me do what i want (at least for now). but my one suitemate (i live in a single that is directly connected to two other rooms) has this heightened sense of self-importance and likes to put on this stupid act of caring and having responsibility over me when we're not even close, nor do i want to tell her anything. today she sees me and goes "ohmygod. you look thinner. i haven't really seen you in a few days, it's so drastic." and i had to insist, "no, i'm not any thinner, god i wish though. trust me." and i get back "...i'll trust you. but just this once." Honestly, it's all bullshit. she doesn't really care about me, and she the superskinny but-with-perfect-boobs-ex-ballerina has no right to tell me how much i should weigh, or how i should get to that weight. plus, it was like, three, four pounds loss tops. which is hardly noticable, and only appeared so because i've been fasting, so my stomach was completely flat and my hip bones were sticking out like they always do when i have no food in my stomach. whatever. point is now she's watching me like a hawk. not that she can force me to do anything, but she can tell the older students on our hall who are part of our orientation team, who are in a way a bit "responsible" for us. i'm mildly furious, to not explain it very well at all. point is, i'm independent, i'm an adult, no one can force me into a hospital ever, or a program, they can't force me to eat, they are not my parents. and no way is this bitch going to prevent me from being successful at this the way i want to.

so that's it for today. i'm going to sleep, since i had only three and a half hours of it out of the past twenty-four.
love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

(i wanted a cigarette so badly when i was out tonight. but i forgot them, and i felt bad bumming one from someone i didn't know. i hate giving away cigarettes to people i don't know)

(oh how nice my bed will be once my favorite sheets are clean)

AAHHH!

2010-02-12T10:37:00.001-05:00

i woke up this morning. an hour early at 10. after going to bed at 6:30am. to WATER DRIPPING ON MY FACE. MY CEILING IS LEAKINGG. i don't even live on the top floor of my door (the fourth) I LIVE ON THE THIRD FLOOR.
no one from maintenance is calling me back, THIS IS ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING.

on the plus side, i weighed in this morning at 113.5 lbs. which is only .5 more than what i wanted. THANK GOD FOR FASTING.

thanks for letting me vent, I'M STILL COMPLETELY FREAKING OUT.
more later,
ANASTASIA KIRSTYN (so grossed out so grossed out so grossed out)

ps.
this is why i absolutely hate the snow.

sunlight in the afternoon

2010-02-11T16:30:00.000-05:00

yes, it's only 4:15 pm. but i don't feel like starting work. i've been searching around to find out what's the cheapest way for me to get cases of bottled water delivered to me at school. it's proving more difficult than i imagined.

fasting again today. tried to c&s a couple crackers. did it with one. decided i didn't want them at all. magic. i suppose i figure if i don't allow myself to eat all the binge-triggering foods (french fries, pizza) then it's like i don't really want anything at all. maybe i'll eat a few slices of grapefruit late tonight though? i haven't decided. i'm running out of kool-aid packets.

my friends and i are going into philly on saturday, i get a free check-in to see if my back piercings are healing correctly. we're also going to see that movie, Valentine's Day, and do dinner for my friend's birthday. i'm not worried though, being vegetarian always allows me to just order a salad "with dressing on the side" (aka dry because i won't use it). the way i'm looking at it now is: the food will always be there later. our DC menu repeats every six weeks. just because i can't have the food today, doesn't mean that sometime in the distant future it won't be there. it will always be there. it's just not for me right now. fine. i can handle that. and i will be skinny.
to be entirely honest, i'm pretty sick of philadelphia. i've lived right outside of it my whole life, and it's just getting tiresome. i need a new city. i think after i graduate i might move to california. i hate the cold.

well i suppose i'll leave you with that, maybe i'll update on how the rest of the day went later. haha, sidenote, i love how i follow people, and some people follow me, who live in like the uk and such. you're all finished with your successful days turning down food, while i'm still in the middle of mine. and people on the west coast are three hours behind me. time is such a funny thing in that way. anyway, off to read some social cognition study, some more virginia woolf, and abnormal psych on depression and suicide, yay!

love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

(if only it was warmer!)

fast.

2010-02-11T00:20:00.002-05:00

today, i fasted. for the first time (on purpose) for ages. drank tons of 0-cal koolaid spruced up water.
it is now 12:00 am, and i have made it.
cool. i still feel fat from the three days of actual eating i did out of the past eight, but that means four days of under 450, which is better than i've done for a while. i'm now continuing through the weekend with a (hopefully) 50-cal max per day, allowing myself to hit 100 cals if it's a really hard day. haven't decided if i'm drinking on saturday night or not...it can add up (normally only 500-cals max though, if i haven't eaten all day), especially given i'm still making up for those three bad days. i'm thinking maybe i won't this weekend.
maybe i'll fast again friday or something. i think tomorrow i'm going to have a little something for flavor. i wonder how well c&s-ing works on not absorbing calories?

news! i don't know if you've heard, but the APA (American Psychological Association) is working on editing criteria for disorders for the new version of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel of Mental Disorders), the DSM-V, and today announced new criteria for eating disorders. Surprise, surprise, now you can be anorexic and still get your period! (before you weren't classified as anorexic even if you met all the other criteria) That was a long time coming, lame. also they're adding binge-eating disorder. bulimia's staying relatively the same, it appears, but that one's the most common anyway.

other things i've been learning since i just read the eating disorders section of my textbook. PURGING ONLY RESULTS IN GETTING RID OF ABOUT HALF THE CALORIES CONSUMED. so the other day, after i binged at lunch and went to that psych class, with super-ultra-high anxiety just dying to go to the bathroom and throw it up, i still couldn't bring myself to do it. i've tried before unsuccessfully, and now i feel better, because i know that purging starts a really bad cycle where you feel like bingeing won't lead to gain, and maybe you'll lose. chances are you won't. better to restrict. i'm fine with that. my own form of purging is restriction (which, i believe actually makes you meet the bulimia criteria, rather than EDNOS...although i don't think my binges are as bad as the DSM requires them to be: massive amounts of food in under 2 hours...well, actually, maybe they are...haha).

anyway. i didn't eat today, and i'm sticking this out, and not budging in upping my calories until monday where i'll allow myself 200, and no more than that until i hit at least 113, which was my end goal for this friday, which i probably won't hit by then, now.

so, it's back to reading for me, because it's unclear whether my class tomorrow is canceled or not (thanks, professor for emailing me back). today actually also kind of sucked, despite having no class, because i didn't even leave the building, and just slowly slowly slowly dragged by in my reading. it was boring. also tomorrow i have to go to the DC to pick up some more equal packets, and i'm thinking maybe some celery. i kind of hope i do have class, just to get my lazy butt up!

love&luck,
anastasia kirstyn

(oh my god the shoes, the shoes!!!)

getting to know each other

2010-02-10T03:02:00.004-05:00

in the same vein as the last post, i decided i'm going to try to tell you some random things about myself. eating and weight do not define me, even if they do take up a significant portion of my thoughts.

a) i'm most likely going to be a psychology major (i'm a freshman, so i have a year left to declare), and considering minors in english and cultural anthropology (it is seriously amazing! i recommend taking at least one class in your college career). perhaps a double major in psych and english? we'll see...
b)i'm obsessed with music! mostly indie/alternative/folk, i guess, if you have to put a label on it.
my most-listened to's of late are:
   St. Vincent (who i'm seeing this month!!!)
   Bon Iver (title of the blog, courtesy of that lovely man)
   Beirut
   Elliott Smith (actually my allll-time fave)
   Sufjan Stevens
   Bright Eyes (who i saw in 2007, i can die happy!)
   Peter Bjorn and John
   The Beatles (genius)
   Of Montreal
   Fleet Foxes
   The Tallest Man on Earth
   Yeah Yeah Yeahs (saw this summer, Karen O is insane)
   Grizzly Bear
   Andrew Bird's Bowl of Fire
   Why?
   Atlas Sound

i recommend them all, and so much more, if you're interested (told you i was obsessed)

c) related to music, i'm going to Bonnaroo 2010 in Tennessee in June!!! so excited.
d) i love fashion, but blame my severe lack of style on not having money, or time. it's a lame excuse, i know, but i like to think i'll work on it after i graduate or something. anyway, my walls are completely covered with magazine ads from Vogue. i'll put some up, sometime.
e) i just got my back pierced! microdermals, in the spot of back dimples. i love them.
   they look like this: (though this is not me, and mine are diamond-like gems)

f) i love the french language, french culture, french film, french impressionist art, french fashion...i'll hopefully study abroad there junior year.
g) i love art. i miss painting and drawing, but still sometimes collage. i honestly have no time during the semester, but next week, i'm going to open art night on wednesdays on campus, which is like free studio time with figure models!
h) i hate the cold. don't ask me why i still live in the northeast. the reasoning still escapes me.
i) i haven't grown in height since i was like 9. and i still own and wear sneakers from the fourth grade. haha.
j) i used to dance, all the time. i was in a company and did ballet, modern, lyrical, jazz, tap, hip-hop for like 15-20 hours a week. i stopped once i got to college. i am so tired of scheduled dance time.
k) my major weakness is french fries. they serve them at school every single day.
l) i am extremely vain about my long hair. i have a fear that someone will cut it off when i'm sleeping; not a joke.
m) i want to learn photography more than anything! i hope i get into the intro class in the fall semester!
n) i am a serious researcher. if i want to do, see, buy anything, i have to research it to death and know every possible angle and fact. it's good in some instances, bad when what i'm researching is not related to schoolwork at all...
o) i have a pet fish! he's beautiful, a blue and red beta fish. and i need help naming him, open to suggestions :)
p) i miss my car (silver hyundai elantra that i bought allll by myself). freshman aren't allowed to have them on campus. i call mine both "carcar" and "ma coche", so creative, i know.
q) one thing i do like about my body: so far, my hip bones, ribs, and bones in back have remained visible forever. merci to whatever gave me this, i suppose.
r) i have casual sex. lots of it. really for a lack of someone i care about. it works for me; i'm not really slutty, i just like it, and i tend to work the cute factor in getting hookups. plus, it's college, alll the boys want it.
s) i take a daily multivitamin. you should too!
t) i constantly keep my toe-nails french manicured. and if i had the patience, i'd keep my fingernails that way, too.
u) i have a sudden dangly/big earring obsession. i keep buying them, and i wear them every day. also my french professor remarks to me at least once a week "Tes boucles d'oreille! Très belles!"
v) i'm in the middle of reading Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov. it is ridiculous, but recommended.
w) my perfume of choice is Polo Sport by Ralph Lauren. it vaguely reminds me of boy, and it is delicious.
x) i never go out without mascara (this month's new choice is covergirl lashblast, the orange one), and my necklace with a diamond charm on it (though i change that from time to time), which currently looks like this:

y) i'm a summer camp counselor, and a serious babysitter. i love kids, and arts & crafts, haha.

z) i would be seriously surprised if you read all of this! but if you did, do your own, tell me, and i promise i'll read it!

also, here's a random, mildly funny fact i just read in my abnormal psych textbook: The food of choice for those who have "night eating syndrome" (which is a component of obesity) is a peanut butter sandwich.

why my textbook feels the need to tell me this specific fact is beyond me, but i had a good laugh.

well, lovelies, off to read some virginia woolf and sleep in more than usual (my first class on any given day is at 11:30 anyway; i always sleep in!) because of the snow.

lots of love,

anastasia kirstyn

ps.

just cause i know you want it::

a sham(ed)

2010-02-09T20:46:00.002-05:00

yesterday was bad. today was better, but not by much.
trying to do less than 50 calories through sunday. trying right now seems to be the key word.
i feel disgusting. i'm sorry you all have to hear about my failures, i'm just going to leave it at that.

on the other side, my three wednesday classes are cancelled for tomorrow because of the massive amounts of snow we're supposed to get. which means i can snuggle in bed most of the day doing my readings, and not going to the dining center. i'm trying to not go at all for the rest of the week, to avoid temptation.

anyway, to throw the light to some other topic. today i'm playing "What's in your bag?" which i read on anna maria's blog, fake fading memories, and though was kind of fun, even though my bag is kind of school-filled right now.

the bag: a beige and white thin-striped calvin klein tote bag. matches almost everything i wear. love.
open pocket one: three mechanical pencils (the thinnest ones), four pens (black and blue ink), a few empty equal packets and an empty koolaid packet (yay 0 cals!)
open pocket two: headphones for the ipod, tissues, ibuprofen, sugarfree orbit gum (wintermint!), my cellular (an env touch, i really like it)
zipper pocket: marlboro menthol cigarettes (tsk tsk, i know), a green lighter that matches the pack, more equal and kool-aid packets (full), my ipod that i cannot live without, birth control kept in a starbucks card holder, haha
brown coach clutch inside the bag: student id card (which i actually like my picture on, crazy), my room key, peptobismol tablets, lactaid pills (fucked up digestive system, anyone?), more pieces of gum, some spare change, more ibuprofen, and burt's bees chapstick!
coach wallet: containing my driver's license, health insurance card, debit card, gift cards to clothing stores and starbucks, money (a whole fifteen dollars, whoa!), and old receipts/crap.
the big portion of the bag: english lit notebook, a letter from my mother (actually, bills, from my mother, haha), a bottle of poland spring water, hand sanitizer, a comb, some random pretty earrings, and normally, my white macbook, which i am currently using.

sorry that was kind of a filler, but maybe it will inspire you to tell me what's in your bag!
anyway, time to get to even more reading so i can watch Damages later (Rose Byrne who plays the young badass lawyer Ellen Parsons, is the most amazing thinspo!!)

i love her!

i also can't get over shoes like these!

so if you see any for a steal, let me know, i'm dyingg for some!

love & luck,

anastasia kirstyn

successful sunday!

2010-02-07T20:10:00.002-05:00

so just a quick update before i get back to my psych and french readings and then head off to a capella rehearsal...today was a success!

i only had: 2 grapefruit sections (15)
20 pieces (~1/4 cup) of cinnamon toast crunch (45)
total: 60 calories.

i may allow myself two more pieces of grapefruit at the end of the night, but that will only bring it up to 75, so i'm satisfied with that. I'm keeping up with my 120 calories or less for the next four days at least, but hopefully five. i decided i don't want to do no-carb just yet, have to work my way up to that. and i'm allowing myself one night each week of drinking, but this week will not include a french fry day because of how bad yesterday was. Plus side is today i was 115.0 (which is sad because the day before i was at 114.0, but i'm still lower than when i started this serious restriction).
also, my latest favorite no-calorie pleasure: 0-cal koolaid packets! they're actually for like quart-size containers, but i just add ~1/2 a packet to a bottle of water and ~3-5 equal sweetener (also 0-cal) and then you have tons of flavor, no sodium, and no calories! seriously it's my savior for when i'm sick of plain water and want to taste something sweet. and they're only about 30 cents a packet in the supermarket, which i'm pretty sure is cheaper than those crystal light packets and what not.
today was low-key, full of reading, enjoying my clean room, and the sunshine (finally!!) streaming in through my window. hope everyone's week starts off well, mondays are always a new beginning.

love always,
anastasia kirstyn

(why yes, i am feeling happier than usual today)

failed.

2010-02-07T02:12:00.001-05:00

hey guys,
firstly, i want to thank all of you for your supportive comments on all of my issues and stuff i'm going through, it really helps to know someone's listening and actually cares, and believes that it will get better. you honestly have no idea how much it means to me, THANK YOU!

secondly, on a darker note, today, i failed. i ate. like a normal person. i feel disgusting i feel weak i feel heavy and out of control. but this has happened before, and i feel a lot more overall control than i have before, so i'm feeling moderately hopeful. therefore, i'm making the next five days 120calories or less days, with maybe 1 or 2 days of fasting thrown in. tomorrow is actually a 100 calorie or less day. i have to make up for the ridiculous amount i intook today, and hope to still lose some weight this week. really the ideal will be 50-75 every day, which i'm planning on accomplishing by eating only grapefruit and celery, and cutting out carbs completely. no going to dining center meals for me this week.

anyway, i'm overexhausted and need to sleep so i can get up and do tons of reading,
love and better luck to you than i've had,
anastasia kirstyn

(if i had a marker around, this is what my stomach would say today, even though it's not this small at all)

(but, a plus is i look nothing to close to this bad, so i'll be okay)

i've never been able to cry about my own tragedies

2010-02-06T03:16:00.002-05:00

yesterday (which was three hours ago, true) i said that the day was interesting. having finished the day, it was actually confusing and sad and lonely.

i felt attacked by one of my best friends, who lashed out saying i was being really negative to the ideas of our other friend to go to chinatown. i told her i didn't think chinatown was at the spot she was referring to. and that the chinese bakery would probably be closed at night. i didn't think i was being negative, simply realistic and unenthusiastic. my friend later told me she felt attacked by me, because i was shooting down her ideas. i felt strangely overburdened with sadness, left her room, and walked to my own room, sat down at my desk, and cried. it was the strangest thing. i never cry about my own life. ever. i hate that about myself. also if i ever do cry, like yesterday, i'm never exactly sure what i'm crying about. it was so weird. it wasn't really about the chinatown exchange. i just felt alone, i think.

yesterday i felt the most depressed i've felt in a really long time. i could actually feel a physical weight pressing down on my chest. like how it's described in my abnormal psych textbook. i've never felt that. i've been cutting my arms for months, but yesterday i felt so sad, and i didn't-i cried. it's sad but it's a pivotal moment for me. i've been dealing with this issue since november where i was afraid i was raped, because i woke up somewhere i'd never been, knew i had had sex, and didn't remember anything. i lost eight hours of my life. they're gone. something took them from me, and i can never get them back. this week the detective closed my case, saying there was not enough evidence to pursue it any longer. the guy came forward. he goes to another college around here. he told them everything he remembers, and it appears it was consensual at the time, but i remember nothing. i got to the hospital too late for there to be any trace of drugs (such as roofies) in my system, so i will never know what happened. the not knowing is what kills me. i've struggled for control over my life forever, and this part has just been taken from me. if the boy ever sees me again, he will know who i am. if i see him, i will have no idea.
i never cried about it. i just couldn't. everyone else i know cried for me. i couldn't do it. i just felt sad. when i was first told there was a chance i had been conscious, that it was just my normal one-night stand, i couldn't handle it. that's the first time i ever cut myself. i couldn't even think. i was just shaking, and i just reacted. sliced my arm open. it looks like a mess right now, i don't know how it got so bad, so frequent. not deep, just always there, always a new line.

this week, was lonely. my life, has been lonely. i have sex with someone new almost every weekend, and i've never felt more alone. i like the sex, truly, but for some reason i can't even begin to start a real connection with even a boy, friend. no one intrigues me. i feel like i'm going to go through my whole life without falling in love with anyone. perhaps that's irrational. i love the idea of love, i love love stories, i cry for love stories. i have none of my own. fuck buddies, that's it. so casual. another irrational fear? i'm afraid i'm infertile. i love kids. i would make a good mother. but for some reason, i just have this foreboding sense i that i won't be able to have my own. it's dumb, i know, but it's real.

i had two crackers around 2 am this morning. that starts my day's calorie count at 35. i want to get drunk tonight, and have sex with the same guy i've slept with the past two weekends. he's nice, it's really fun, lighthearted, and we've become friends. we live in the same building, and we walked home together tonight, after i felt like i was going to pass out or throw up. it's my own fault, i smoked too many cigarettes too fast without realizing it, and that makes me physically ill. add to that my low food intake, i'm a huge warning sign for passing out. my body does it from simple dehydration or exhaustion.

i hope today will be better, i hope your todays were okay, and, if not, i hope they will be better,
anastasia kirstyn

(it appears we have a few things in common, except that my hair is brown)

my (ednos) history.

2010-02-05T21:32:00.002-05:00

i know it's the second one in like a few hours, but i deleted my old post about my eating history, so here's a shorter version:>
sophomore year of high school: decided i just wanted to lose a few pounds (i was probably 104-106, since the beginning of high school). tried the special k challenge and ate special k for breakfast and lunch (110 kcals each), plus a light and fit yogurt (60) and grapefruit sometimes (100), ate dinner normally. no snacks no desserts. hit 98 pounds. was happy with it.
junior year of high school: had gained back the weight lost over the summer, eating unhealthily and not dancing all summer (i was used to 15-20 hrs a week). decided i would lose the weight immediately. i started counting calories, cutting out 500 a day, lost 1 lb a week. i initially tried to totally starve my way through the day until i had to eat dinner with my family, but i kept getting strep throat and my mother noticed me not eating; back then, it wasn't worth the fight.
by december of junior year i was my goal weight by losing just one pound a week, and i was 93 lbs, the lowest i could still be before being considered "underweight". my mom was constantly freaking out and trying to force food down my throat. and then it all went downhill.
given the stresses around eating during the holidays, as soon as christmas was over i fasted for about four or five days, hit 90 pounds (or less, i wasn't home and wasn't really able to check). when i came home for new year's, was forced to eat by my mother, i binged like crazy. it was horrible. it's the first time i ever felt out of control of my eating, and i HATED it. it lasted a few days, when at my most stuffed i had gone back up to 98 pounds.
junior year, january: there was no wayy i was letting all that work go to shit, so i got into a really vicious cycle where i tried to lose more weight but instead ate only very little at dinner or managed to avoid it from monday through thursday or friday, and then couldn't control myself and binged the weekend away (most weeks). i couldn't purge (restricting has been my only form of purging, ever), it was too hard, and i hate throwing up more than anything, really. so the cycle began itself again on monday, and i went through june weighing between 94-98 pounds every week depending on whether or not it was a restricting day or a binge day.
summer: worked at a sleepaway camp. no scales. lost control and binged more than i restricted. hit 112 by the end of the summer. i honestly hated myself more than ever.
senior year: struggled with restricting and bingeing all year. initially got down to 105-107 on a bad week, 99-101 on a good week. ended senior year at 101.
summer: i was sick of all the lying. summer killed me. i hit 119 by the time i went to college. my metabolism and my digestive system were completely fucked up, i hated myself, my body, my friends who still watched my eating like a hawk.
freshman year, college: i've remained stagnant at about 116, with varying periods of restriction, bingeing, and just "normal person" eating. hit only a low of 111, gained it back.
now: completely determined to lose weight on my terms. pretty sure i'd call my issues EdNos. it sometimes overtakes my life more so than other times, but it is always lurking, i am ALWAYS thinking about it. right now, i'm giving in, and full-on restricting as much as possible to lose AT LEAST 2 lbs a week (1000 calories less than i should every day. i'm supposed to eat between 1430-1500 a day to remain the same.) until at least the end of the semester (May 1st), preferably longer.
the goal that i'll feel most accomplished at is 93-95 lbs, because that was probably my most stagnant low weight that i enjoyed. though i would like to go lower, and find myself under 90 lbs. just to see.

so that's it. it's fucked up, eating/weight has actually been an underlying issue for me since middle school (i used to count calories and keep food journals back then, too), but i've come to understand it better throughout the past few years. i still deny the problem to my parents, even though they think i have/had one, and i know i do, admitting it to them would make it a million times harder for me to eat how and when i want. most of my best friends know it's an issue for me, but they have no real control or authority over what i do.

i'm sure plenty of you have stories so much like mine, i'd love to hear from you, and know i'll support you in whatever your choices are with this monster we're living with.

love love loveeee, and support,
anastasia kirstyn

ps. think happy!

thank god it's friday?

2010-02-05T19:51:00.001-05:00

so today was interesting, in some ways.
woke up, weigh-in today: 115! which, i know, kind of sucks, but i started this week weighing 118 (i gained two since coming back to school) on monday, so that's 3 pounds, and for me, water weight/food in the stomach before-hand weight is only tops 2 pounds, so i'm going to look at it as a loss of 1 pound. sounds silly, but it means something to me, because it's the beginning!
by some miracle of god (or whatever forces) thankfully i was able to resist eating at lunch. i knew it was a pizza and fries day at the dining center, but it ended up being two types that i completely hate; so my faith in the cosmos and myself are renewed, haha. french fries and pizza are absolutely my two worst weeknesses. in all honesty, calorie-wise a little bit of pizza is okay for a day, but fries are the worstt. no worries though. i've decided i'll allow myself french fries one day a week, otherwise i'm afraid i'll completely binge one day.
today's intake is (similar to yesterday):
   grapefruit (100)
   chips (170) [i will eat less of these, but right now it's the one thing i actually enjoy that doesn't entirely ruin my count for the day]
   1 cup cinnamon toast crunch (175)
   total: 445.
so, definitely not perfect, but i'll make up for it this weekend. i could tell people were watching to see if i would eat at dinner, so they cinnamon toast crunch was kind of to keep them off my back. unfortunately, my best friends at school do know i've had eating issues ("in the past") alongside many other problems/addictive qualities! they worry, i suppose. it's fine, i'll just skip more meals with them, but i've been doing that all week, i missed them! so, today was friday but ugh. i stayed up last night until 7am writing a paper that the professor decided to make due on monday, but did not clarify on the online syllabus. so. pointless. but it's okay because now it's finished! and my work study job today sucked. actually it always sucks lately. i spend three hours editing scholarship fund descriptions looking for typos and incorrect grammar...it's getting old doing it nine hours a week, even if i do look at it as a time for me to listen to a bunch of the new music on my ipod (i currently have 14,154 songs-which is absolutely too many to ever listen to, but that's okay).

tonight's going to be a chill night, movie night with my girlies. we're watching dark knight, which i paid for a ticket to see but slept through most of (i had pulled an all-nighter the night before!), but i'm excited because everyone says it's really good. the snow kind of sucks. we're supposed to get 12 inches, and all these things are getting cancelled here...like, it literally takes 15 minutes tops to walk from one end of campus to the other, i don't see why parties and things should be cancelled...so lame. whatever, i'm sure i'll at least wander down to the first floor to watch some beer pong tomorrow night (i never play, beer=massive amounts of calories. straight vodka shots, please!). and yes, i do live on the third floor with no elevators, lots of stairs!! i plan on exercising again next week. i've been avoiding it because schoolwork's been crazy, and also because one of my biggest fears when i first start cutting serious calories is that i'll pass out at the gym. it's happened before, and it was so embarrassing, and also caused all my friends to FREAK OUT about my eating. so. have to be careful with that. i have a natural predisposition to passing out, it used to happen to me about once a month...when i'm tired, or dehydrated, or haven't eaten in days... so it's something i worry about.
anyway, this is long, and i doubt you're reading still, but i'll update you more later. maybe on my actual life; i realized this is really food-weight heavy lately, but i do have a life!

leaving you again with something pretty...

(from america's next top model, the short season...she's under 5'9"!)

(don't we all feel this way, wayy too often)

love&luck,

anastasia kirstyn

somehow this february will be good

2010-02-04T19:46:00.001-05:00

normally february sucks. it's cold, windy, and gray, and snows too much. and although those things are still true this year, this february i'm going to lose at least eight pounds. therefore, good. i've been really motivated by everyone else's blogs and commitments to this new month, keep going!
also, i rediscovered the amazingness of 'personal thinspo'; which is looking at pictures of myself at my skinniest (actually, four pounds above my skinniest [20 lbs less than i am now]) and using them as motivation now. in a way they're depressing, yet hopeful, because i know i can get there. strangely i have no pictures from my thinnest point.

the one one the right; and actually this is probably around 100-102, but it was the first picture i remember thinking i looked okay in, and when i lost weight without really trying or totally caring.

left; 99.

second from the right;

on the right;

those are 96. back when i was comfortable dancing. i will absolutely be able to do this.

anyway, i have lots of reading and essays to do (on a thursday! ugh!), but i'll probably be back with another post later tonight. i'll leave you with my intake for the day (up from yesterday, but still under my 400 calorie limit) and some thinspo.

intake:

1/2 a grapefruit (50)

chips (175) [i know, i know! so bad!]

1/2 cup of cinnamon toast crunch (90) [ugh more carbs]

total: 315.

so tomorrow can only get better! also i've been leaving out beverages because i only really drink water and diet pepsi.

lots of luck to the rest of you for today!

lovelove,

anastasia kirstyn

something pretty.

2010-02-03T17:38:00.006-05:00

they kind of have a photography feel; i'm addicted to flickr.
on another note, i would lovee some comments? i feel like i don't know any of you!

also, today i only ate: 2 strawberries (15)

1 grape (5)

12 salt&vinegar chips (140)

celery&dressing (20)

i tend to overestimate the calories, which is a plus.

total for the day: 180 calories. success.

love, anastasia kirstyn

a list of things to do in my life

2010-02-03T00:54:00.005-05:00

some people call them bucket lists.
i like my title better. anyway, my friends and i decided to make them, and so far, this is what i've come up with, though i'm going to keep adding on. this also might give you a better idea of who i am, so enjoy, and make your own. also i feel like it probably puts things into perspective.

Fall in love

Have sex with someone i actually love

Speak French fluently

Get back to 95 pounds, then drop to 89

Have a dream in French

Spend time in France, Italy, the UK, Australia, Ireland, Seattle, Norway

Get married on a plantation-style backyard of a mansion

Own a huge mansion

Have tons of money & live lavishly, BUT donate lots to charity

Be involved in the fashion industry for a period of time

Dye my hair blonde

Jump off a cliff into the ocean

Learn about photography and take pretty pictures, put them on flickr

Visit the Notre Dame & the Sistine Chapel

Cry about my own life more than twice a year

Learn to play Beethoven's Piano Sonata #23

Learn to play the violin

Go to Quaker Meeting in another country

Go to New Orleans for Mardis Gras

Work at a trendy job for a period of time

Go to a wine tasting

Spend a whole day in bed with someone i love

Have a love letter written to me

Do a painting i really like

Make a difference to a kid (or teenager)

Buy myself a trampoline

Own a baby grand piano

Be told i'm beautiful by an intriguing stranger

Shoplift

Leave a nice note for someone in a library book, and a book in a bookstore

When i'm sad go to one of those lifeguard stands on a beach, have someone find me there (à la marissa cooper)

Date a badboy

Date a celebrity

Be proposed to in a really romantic way

Learn to sing L'amour est une oiseau rebelle, from Carmen

Have a kitty cat

Read a book that changes my life/outlook

Own and drive a Black Escalade

Go to the Sundance Film Festival

Go to Bonarroo [going this summer!]

Be part of an independent film

Read some of "How to Make Friends and Influence People"

Become a good enough runner that I enjoy it

Be confident enough to go to an ABC party wearing only police tape

Dance naked with my friends in the rain

Have sex against a wall

Make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in a tree

Spend time doing interior design

Go to Fashion Week

Be unexpectedly kissed under mistletoe

Go back to the Space Needle

Fork someone's lawn

Make out passionately while being carried up the stairs (like that scene in The Notebook)

love,

anastasia kirstyn

shopping classes, reading books, starving, mmm.

2010-01-20T19:11:00.001-05:00

so classes have started, i think my schedule is figured out. i'm taking two psychology classes (one is abnormal psych, with a professor whose main area of study is eating disorders, lucky me), one 20th century british lit class (the novel) which i'm really excited for, and this contemporary french culture class. it should be a good semester, i hope. i'm easing my way back into not eating. i braved the scale yesterday and found out i didn't gain any weight over winter break, so i'm neutral. the past two days i've probably cut intake down to about 600-700 calories/day, but i'm really aiming for under 400. i can now easily skip lunch due to my schedule, especially once i start up work again. i decided to go on birth control, it seems like a smart idea given my weekend excursions. i'm pretty sure it won't make me gain weight though, no worries, i looked it up. forgive me if this is boring and short, i'm still kind of sleep deprived right now; ahh college. soon i'll put up some pretty pictures to make this more interesting, promise. well i should go delve into Heart of Darkness (one of my least favorite books ever) as it's due tomorrow.

lovee,
anastasia kirstyn

back at school, back to me, whatever that may be

2010-01-19T02:50:00.002-05:00

hi girls (and guys but right now my followers are girls),

I'm back. Sorry it's been a while but I was on winter break from school and like i said i can't hide it from my mom very well, let alone my best friend. so i didn't lose any weight cause i decided not to try. i'm back at school and back in the swing of what i want. updates? i've now fucked thirteen guys, i'm fucking the same guy at school as i was before, and i like the consistency. we talk a little after. maybe we'll fuck during the day, it's my goal. so i started smoking cigs since break started. all my friends from home do, and now i just like it. also right before break i started cutting (with safety pins), and it's gotten pretty bad and kind of out of control. i told my best friend and my guy friend who has been through depression and gets where i am and understands we all have to deal with shit in the ways we can. i know my friends at school will notice. i got sloppy and when i'm drunk i just can't stop or can't help it. it seems all a bit tied to guys. if i get denied a hookup i cut a lot cause i feel bad, if i do fuck someone i still do it cause i like it. i want to see blood red, i want to feel something. it's weird and very different from how i've ever been. now i'm starving again. again, i like it. cigs, sex, slices (i've demolishedd my left arm, truthfully), starvation. it's okay. i'll figure it out, it's just taking time, and it's new territory. kate says it won't help. the cutting. she's probably right, but it's just something i need to do right now while i try and figure out why i keep doing it. it's not stopping, i'm not, even though i told her i would, that i was trying. i'm not. right after i told her i went to the bathroom and cut up my arm even more. i don't know any more. i'm sure some of you have been there and if you haven't, i hope you don't get there. it came out of nowhere, i thought this shit was a middle school thing; apparently not. okaywell. i have class in the morning and i'm working on five hours of sleep so i should go to bed. lots of love, more updates when i can.

feel better, i know you/i/we will,
love always,
anastasia kirstyn

The beginning, it seems

2009-12-26T03:32:00.003-05:00

I suppose this could be interesting. If you're interested. I'm Anastasia. Eighteen years (whether that's old or young I've yet to uncover for myself). I go to a small, prestigious liberal arts college in the north-eastern united states. I don't entirely know what I'm doing, where I'm going to end up, or how I'll get there. Given the people I'm surrounded by, I assume most of us don't. I used to keep a journal; sometimes I lied to myself in it. At some point, I stopped writing in it. Cutting to the chase here a bit, I'm going to take a reach and assume you're looking for someone like you, or something interesting, readable. I'm not promising anything. I guess I'm reaching out, maybe some of us will find meaning, comfort, strength in another's similarities, differences, perspective. the title gives my thoughts & preoccupations away. I've lost my sense of my body, what is skinny and thin, what is okay, how to eat normally. I don't love, I sleep around a lot. Others are pulling at my sides, wisping away through their fingers, wanting me to figure it out, to let go of whatever's pulling me back, but I don't know what happened. Or how to, or if I want to, find my way back.

Maybe we're similar in that, or different, it doesn't entirely matter
At this point, I'm not even sure what truly does...

jusqu'à plus tard,
anastasia kirstyn